Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #180: Bad dreams and shower problems
June 15, 2010, 12:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

We were leaving on vacation, so I made sure to get some cash out.  I asked my mom to hire someone, and she did.  We let this woman, the one my mom hired, into the house.  Fairly soon, this woman pulled a gun out on us and told us to give her all of our cash.

All I could think when I woke up from this latest bad dream was that the person I trusted my mom to hire betrayed us.  This was, of course, yet another bad dream about that babysitter who molested my brother and I.  The babysitter I have no conscious memory of.  The babysitter my mom hired to care for us when she couldn’t be there herself.

I guess I am not going to get over any of this until I examine it from every fucking angle, and since I can’t make heads or tails of it while I am awake, sleep is a safer place to sift through this shit.

Since the dream is what I woke up from this morning, I subsequently couldn’t take my morning shower.  It kinda sucks because I feel smelly now, and will go to work feeling that way, wondering if people can smell me.  The huz always says I smell good, but who knows.  Does anyone else have showering issues due to the sex abuse?  Are there conditions upon your showers, such as not being alone in the house, or only at certain times of the day, etc.?

Shower problems and bad dreams are not new to this blog, and both happened to me this morning.  I like to sleep well, and I like to shower and be clean, just like everyone else.  I have a meeting at work today that I would have liked to smell good for.  The cost of showering this morning would have been the little bit of sanity that I am trying to maintain, so it is a cost I couldn’t afford today.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

12 Comments so far
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Yes, I used to have a hard time with showers too. The sound of the shower makes it hard to be vigilant for the pesky imaginary people that are always sneaking up on me 😉 Baths are a lot easier. You could always take a bird-bath in a pinch, wipe your armpits and such with a soapy washcloth, and then rinse out the washcloth and wipe off the soap.

Sorry your unconscious is stirred up. Dreams are like free therapy, but not always easy sessions.

May everything work out in the best possible way.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I had a therapist once who suggested I picture that the water in the shower is coming from a sacred stream, fed by the G-dess and was cleaning off all the gunk from the abuse. I would stand and let the shower hit the top of my head and imagine that it was running right through the flesh of my body, cleaning away all the shame and pain and all traces of my abuser and leaving only blessing. It helped that I had this beautiful bathroom at the time, with a claw foot tub and one of those brass shower-heads. If I looked up into the metal of the shower head after turning off the water, I could see my own face. Changed showers for me.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Warrior – you always give such good advice.. Thank you. I love the idea of the shower being a cleansing thing from a good entity, and I really love the line “Dreams are like free therapy, but not always easy sessions”. Fantastic.

Comment by butterflysblog

I have massive shower issues. It’s so bad that even the good advice from SDW could not work for me because then while I’m in the shower I would actually have to think about my physical body as if it is mine and I live inside of it – AM it. The whole thing is very disturbing to me. The only way I can take care of my body is to do it in a dissociated way as if I were washing someone else. The depersonalized shower for the depersonalized body that I live more ‘with’ than ‘in’. It feels much too disturbing to live ‘in’. And so I go in the shower and wash the body’s hair and take care of its skin. But first I brush its teeth at the sink. At this point I don’t think it’s going to change.

Comment by 1janedonut

That was me up there. For some reason I can’t figure out how to comment here as

Comment by 1janedonut

“”“Dreams are like free therapy, but not always easy sessions”. Fantastic.””

^^ I double-quote in agreement.^^

Showers are hard for me, too.

On an intimate level, that’s one thing I could never do with my significant other. When I tried, I would panic, shake, be too nervous and watchful, too vigilant of outside noise, scared of touches from my partner, making the enjoyable completely miserable. I hated not being able to enjoy this part of intimacy, not sex, just intimacy.

On a daily level, showering is my downtime; I love to take a shower or bath and cleanse.

But … if I am alone, it becomes the same as when I have someone in with me — I am hyper-vigilant and too aware of everything to enjoy the shower. It’s scary showering with someone, scary showering alone…

Ideally, I like to have someone in the house with me. If I am alone, I try to shower before dark.

I know where this comes from and can pinpoint the exact moment in my life when this happened. I was a child and my abuser intruded on my bath time in a very sneaky way at first, then more bold later.

Showers are one of the things I enjoy most in life, but are also a miserable affair.

It’s always struck me how many survivors have cleanliness issues stemming from our abuse (probably) yet at the same time we have these fears that keep us from enjoying the things that make us feel better, in this case a shower.

I’m sure you smelled fine, Butterfly. I think the icky feeling was partly a reflection of what was going on inside– some residual from the awful dream and the memories.


Comment by All Time Love

Point 1: Read through your entire blog. You are a good writer, your posts are long enough to get your point across, but not so long they are boring.
Point 2: The only problems I had with showering were during depression, when I didn’t have the motivation or energy to shower some days, so I can relate to feeling smelly. Honey, you won’t be smelly after one day, unless you were doing some form of highly intensive activity. A wash cloth and basin works wonders for making you feel less smelly though.

Okay, point 2 may sound crappy.

I’m not a survivor of abuse, I just heartily want to compliment you on your writing, which I really enjoy, and the opportunity to get an insight into your life as a survivor. Thank you. 🙂

Comment by Little Miss Sunshine

@Little Miss Sunshine – thank you for the lovely things you said. What a great pick-me-up on a day I was feeling more like an asshole than most.

@All Time Love – It makes me feel less crazy and alone when other survivors say they have issues like mine, like showering. Thank you for commenting.

Comment by butterflysblog

Yes- I can’t take a shower without locking the door. I only leave it unlocked if my girlfriend is with me. I also have to lock the door to my room at night, even when i know the door to my house is locked anyway.

Most dreams are metaphorical in some sense. Don’t let yourself get hung up on the details.

Comment by TreatInfamy

Hi Butterfly,

I read in one article about dream analysis that dreams are us dealing and working on healing while we are sleeping. I liked that idea, it helps me to easier release dreams that creep me out.

I have shower issues. I will try to do the healing water. I really don’t like them at all. It makes me feel even worse about my body in the shower. It really brings up a lot of body image issues and shame.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

i have problems with showering (though i still do it whether anyone’s home or not) but i bring a knife in with me and lock the door.

Comment by randym23

[…] darn it, I took one! It was WONDERFUL.  Generally, since the shower is such an issue for me (see this and this post), I have to wait until someone is home so that I can feel safe enough to shower.  […]

Pingback by Reason #316: One great step forward, one normal step back | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids

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