Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #182: It fucks our partners too
June 30, 2010, 2:18 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Last week, the huz and I were were at our marital therapy session, and the big topic of discussion was the fact that I want another baby, and I feel like he doesn’t. So we’re sitting there, hashing it out, when finally he began to talk about how he has so much responsibility since I am so afraid all the time, and everything falls on him. This is completely true. As most of my posts show, I am afraid of many many things, and this leaves all kinds of slack that the huz is either forced to pick up or let go. I don’t like the noise of the dishwasher, I can’t shower when he’s not here, laundry machine makes noise, etc. All these things can only be done when he is home, or not at all. Sometimes I do these things when he is home, sometimes he does these things, but the fact that they are timed for only the times when he is home makes the whole thing a lot more difficult.

Then there are the other ways he gets fucked. I am afraid to take the baby for a walk by myself, afraid to take the baby to the mall by myself, etc. The theme here is ‘by myself’, and since my fear stops me from doing these things, they of course fall to him or us together. The man never gets any peace, except for when I watch the baby here at home and he goes outside by himself.

The thing is, I didn’t know he felt so fucked up by all this that it was inhibiting us from having another baby.  Now, a 2nd baby might not be in the cards for us right now for many other reasons, starting with the fact that we’re not fucking each other.  Unless a star appears in the East again, we need to start fucking each other to have a baby.  Lately it seems like he’s ready for sex, and I of course am not.  Every time I think about trying to have sex, I get all fucked up and scared.  Not at all unusual for me, as this reason has come up several times in this blog.

So, to sum up, everything falls on him, and we’re not fucking each other. That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  You not only fuck us, you fuck our partners too.


12 Comments so far
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I’m sorry Butterfly. When I was with someone he was an awful person and was very emotinally abusive, so I never thought about him having to adjust to my limitations, etc, mostly because he never did. I’m glad that you have someone and sorry that he does have to carry an extra burden. Good and healing thoughts to you both.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

My condolences, Butterfly, to you and your husband. As I hope you know, none of this is your fault, and it’s good to hear how understanding your husband is about all of it. Not that it’s any less frustrating or easier to deal with. I am no example, but many of the things you talk about are reasons why I’ve mostly avoided relationships where I could, despite wanting one very badly. The fact that you’re in a healthy relationship and always working on it is a beautiful display of your courage.

Peace,
NR

Comment by Natalie Rose

I’m sorry for intruding here. My comment isn’t really related to this most recent post of yours, but I just read your entire blog. I’ve also read many others in the past few days as I have been searching for ways to help my daughter. She just revealed to me a few days ago that she was given ecstasy and raped when she was 11 or 12 by my cousin who was around 32 at the time. My daughter is now 22 and it breaks my heart to know that she has held this inside all this time. I can look back now and see the clues and I am so sick that I didn’t know. She thinks that she is numb to this and is ‘ok’ because she has shoved the memory so far back that she never thinks of it. I am trying to be gentle and supportive without my anger & thoughts of killing him scaring her… (not just killing .. but all out torture). But I will not allow this to hurt her anymore by me ending up in prison. What angers me even more is that he has just started coming around her again. He is showing up where she works, etc. Plus my other daughter is getting married next week .. and the whole family will be there. EXCEPT HIM .. I will confront him just as soon as he returns to town. Of course she believes it is all her fault. I see so much shame in her eyes and it breaks my heart. She doesn’t want to tell anyone and I know that this secret stuff only makes the shame worse. How can I help her? How can I make her know that he planned this & made it happen & that nothing she did caused this? I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown when telling me .. shaking & she couldn’t even talk … blatant fear in her eyes. OMG! I don’t know what to do. She was so afraid & blames herself because she wanted to try the drug ecstacy. WHY DID SHE EVEN KNOW THAT DRUG EXISTED AT 11 or 12? That’s what I keep telling her… he planned this baby … he made it happen. Please tell me how to help her. I am afraid of getting a bad therapist… she is still just a baby. I don’t know if she will even go at this point. She wants to just pretend it never happened. But I tried to explain that even if you don’t think you remember it .. you are still exhibiting behaviors & acting out because of the shame & damage. Please .. anyone .. any advice?

Before I close, I want to thank you, Butterfly, and the other survivors with blogs connected. Thank you for telling your stories with such honesty. Your courage amazes me.

With love & appreciation,
Stacy

Comment by stacedee

I’m sorry about this. My partner also covers for me a bit, which isn’t ideal iether. May someday this be very different and much better for you two.

SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Dear Stacy,

What happened to your daughter was wrong. However, there are some good things here: 1) your daughter trusted you enough to disclose the abuse, 2) you believe and support her, and 3) you understand that vigilante justice might put you in jail, and you won’t be any help to her there. What happened to her was not her fault, it was completely his fault, and even if no drugs were involved, it still would have been his fault. He groomed her into thinking that it was her fault because she wanted to try the drug. This is the same technique that many abusers use: the drug could have been candy, love, affection – basically anything that the abuser senses might get the victim to accommodate his sick need. Let me repeat: nothing that has happened here was her fault. And it’s not yours either. It’s his.

A good place to start is with the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): http://www.rainn.org/

RAINN has a link to local crisis centers here: http://centers.rainn.org/

May you both heal from this tragedy, and become stronger at the broken places.

Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Thank you for your kind words. I want to apologize for just throwing this out there.. I have felt horrible about it all day. I was so touched emotionally by your blog and your struggles that I felt compelled to comment.

I have printed a few of your ‘Reasons’ and your response here with the hopes of my daughter reading them. I have also researched crisis centers through RAINN. I don’t want to push her but I want to be prepared and possibly just gently guide her in the direction of help.

Again, I apologize. It was thoughtless of me to just blurt that out. I was too caught up in what was happening to me … her … us.

Your response gives me a sense of … how do I explain it .. almost like hope & a little bit of calmness mixed with a small pat on the back .. I’m doing ‘good’ for her.

Thanks again!

Stacy

Comment by stacedee

Hi Stacy,

No need to apologize at all. These blogs are meant for people to think about and comment on, and I am glad that you did.

Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

When you and your husband are ready, you could always adopt a child. Hell, you could be saving the child from being adopted into a different family where one of the parents might abuse her/him.

Comment by donteatthemangopeel

[…] is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  We know it fucks us up,  it fucks our job, and we know it fucks our partners, and apparently, it fucks our mothers too. Leave a Comment Leave a Comment so far Leave a […]

Pingback by Reason #194: It fucks our mothers too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] written before about how the abuse has fucked me, my mom, my job, my choice of life partners, and my partner himself.  Now we know it fucks our partners’ jobs too.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck […]

Pingback by Reason #206: It fucks our partners’ jobs too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I wanted to add something for stacedee too. As family members and allies of children and adults who were abused as children by our relatives, it’s absolutely the right thing to do to have a firm and absolute stand on keeping him away from your daughter and other children in the family. While survivors of abuse need to reclaim their power by making their own decisions about how to confront or report to the police, your young relatives need to be protected from this predator. I suggest talking to your daughter about what ways would work best for her for you to warn the other parents and chilren about this predator. In Canada we can report suspected child abuse (for example any child you know he has access to) anonymously, which may be an option if your daughter is opposed to sharing what happened to her to protect others. Child abusers don’t just abuse one child, they will abuse whatever children they have access to. For example, I told my brother about the abuse and let him know that if I ever heard that my abuse had access to his children, I would call the authorities immediately.

Good luck with your and your daughter’s healing journey. Things do get better and she can heal. A good therapist is a must. I personally like to go to feminist counsellors, as they have a nice clear boundary about who is at fault (the abuser).

SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

[…] written before about how the abuse has fucked me, my mom, my job, my choice of life partners, and my partner himself.  Now we know it fucks our partners’ jobs […]

Pingback by Reason #313: Pyrrhic Victories | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids




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