Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #185: That fucking ant
July 16, 2010, 2:19 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

We’re sitting in our marital therapy session, and I spent the majority of the session crying.  What’s funny is that with my other two therapists, I cried maybe twice in their offices.  With this new therapist, this is my 3rd time crying in the six months or so since we’ve been seeing her.  This makes me think that perhaps marriage, and the intimacy that is required of good marriage, hits me in a place so deeply that it makes me cry.

Anyway, so we were talking about the ant that fell on my face while I was sleeping.  That fucking ant.  That motherfucking G-ddammed horrible shithead of an ant that has torn my whole sense of safety in my home to complete and utter shit.  That fucking ant.

In therapy, I projected everything at the huz.  How I need to leave this marriage because he doesn’t want another baby, and this ant made that clear.  How I am tired of fighting with him about it.  How he obviously doesn’t care about me. 

She says “Wait a minute.  Last week, you were both taking some great steps, and you felt like you were really moving towards something great together as a couple.  Last week, he assured you he does want a baby and that he does care about you.  So let’s take a step backwards and discuss how an ant means the dissolution of your whole marriage.”

So we started talking about it.  As we were talking about it, I realized that it was ME who was afraid of having a baby, and that fucking ant was the crack in the system that showed it to me.  I have been unable to sleep in our bedroom since that ant fell on me.  I have been living on edge ever since that ant fell on me, because that ant, as miniscule as it is, is proof that things can and will touch you, by surprise, without your permission.  Can you imagine trying to care for a newborn while being afraid of your own bedroom?  Me neither, and that realization was fairly upsetting.  That fucking ant.

The therapist said “What if the ant falls on you?”  I said “Then it will have touched me without my permission.” 

She said “Okay, and what then?”  I said “Well, it can go in my ear.” 

She said “Okay, and what then?”  I said “Well, sometimes bugs get stuck in people’s ears.  Then I would have to go to the hospital and get it surgically removed. As a matter of fact, that is a major reason that children in the inner city visit the emergency room.”

She said “Okay, and what then?”  Here’s where I started to cry.  I said “And then I would have to walk around knowing that there had been an ant in my ear and I had to have it surgically removed, and everyone would act like I was normal, and I would know I wasn’t.  I would have been through this horrible thing and I would have to act like nothing happened in my every day life, when really my whole life had been torn apart. And I would be afraid every day after that because I would know for sure that ants fall in your ear.”

She said “Oh sweetie.  So you never get to ‘okay’, do you?  There’s always something worse down the line, and nothing ever gets to the point of okay.”

I looked at her through tears, and the truth is, ‘okay’ was never even a thought in my mind.  She was exactly right. 

She said “You have lived your whole life trying to navigate down such a narrow path so that danger never comes near you.  Really, if you think about it, it’s quite a smart strategy, and it has helped you survive terrible things.  But it’s not working for you anymore.  That little girl inside you is so afraid and she keeps alerting you to all possible dangers, and the adult you is suffering along with her.”

The truth about that ant is that it proved to me that no matter what steps I take to be safe, I am never 100% completely safe.  That ant is the crack in my system, the chink in my armor.   And if an ant can fit through the cracks of my system, who knows what the fuck else can fit through there?   And now I am worried that if something as small as an ant can show me my fragility and my lack of safety, I feel hopeless as to ever feeling safe again.  Hopeless.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

P.S.  I made an appointment with a second therapist.  I hope she is good.


15 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly,
I think too, that with a panic disorder, your body is lying to you a bit, and your mind gets pulled along. If your panic switch wasn’t set so high, you’d be able to talk yourself down from this stuff. It’s part of every survivor’s daily routine, once we’re past the first bit, to say “it’s okay honey, you’re safe now, it’s okay” to oneself, and to get that to work, but it seems like your body or nervous system won’t let you get down to calm, ever. This doesn’t seem typical to me, unless you’ve got current abuse or trauma going on.

I wonder if going at it through a physical approach might help, like exercise or meditation or calming supplements, or meds, alongside the psychological stuff.

I’m saying this because what you’re describing is quite a bit different from what I’ve heard other survivors talk about. I was in incest survivors anonymous for three years, and was a therapist to survivors for two. I’ve heard a lot of survivors talk frankly about where they’re at day to day, and I haven’t heard about panic this persistent from any of them. Because of this, I’m thinking there’s a good chance for you that it’s partly physical, which is good, because you can get at it from another direction that might be more effective, and get your body out of the way of all the good psychological work you’re doing. I’m going to try and hunt up some panic disorder physical resources for you, if you don’t mind. I think you’ll be a lot more successful getting yourself to feel safe, if you can get some effective treatment to turn down the panic false alarms in your body.

I mean this to be helpful, so please let me know if it is not. I’m sorry things are so hard.

with affection,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Here’s a link I found with some good stuff on the physical end of things:
http://helpguide.org/mental/panic_disorder_anxiety_attack_symptom_treatment.htm Especially the ’causes’ and ‘self help’ headings. And this one: http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/adult_hmpanic.pdf

May everything work out in the best possible way,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Warrior – you are wonderful. I think it’s awesome that you are able to help me navigate through what is happening, and through possible treatments for this. I am beginning to think that perhaps you are right, and that my journey is somewhat unique in its aftereffects, as I have not met many survivors who live with all these intrusions. In my understanding of after-effects, there is a wide variety. Is it possible that I happened to just get all of them?

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly – I’m sorry this happened to you. I agree with SDW that it’s physical for you. The body has amazing (but also weird) ways of remembering and, in your case, it sounds like those body memories have become tied to your “panic switch”, as SDW calls it.

Yoga and meditation could really help. I found yoga amazing for body awareness – REAL body awareness, not the ‘in-your-head’ awareness that I had previously. I’ve heard there are also somatic therapists who do this kind of thing in a psycho-physical kind of way.

Take care out there. I hope there are no more ants for you.

Comment by Kerro

Hi, Butterfly –

I am sorry you are dealing with so much shit as part of living day to day . . . I’m proud of you for digging and digging until you find what is at the root. I’m proud of you for making your healing journey a priority.

I think SDW and Kerro have great points about the body memory stuff . . . I hope you look into it!

– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

Comment by Marie

Hi Butterfly…

I’m thankful for your therapist; she seems brilliant. Over the past many years, I’ve been learning how the stuff that happens to us causes us to figure out a way to do life so that we never have to experience that (or any) pain again, and how our efforts at self-protection are rarely helpful for true healing.

And I know this happens for EVERYONE to some degree. I can’t even imagine to what extent that is amplified for survivors of sexual abuse, but I know everyone I lock eyes with is fucked up to some degree, and is self-protecting because of it. Myself included.

I applaud your courage to continue to fight your particular fight, and (as if that’s not admirable enough in and of itself!) how you invite others to witness your struggles and learn and be encouraged and strengthened by your experiences. That is something rare and beautiful and special…and more people should do what you do.

You talk about how you live in constant fear…and I don’t doubt that…but you also possess a rare bravery and boldness to confront this so publicly. Don’t discount that!

Prayers up for you and your husband. Marriage is hard work. Keep at it!

Comment by sjjnks

Hi Sjjnks – thank you for your kind words. They are so appreciated! – Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly,

I am sorry that you are feeling that the situation is hopeless. It isn’t. No matter what there is always reason to hope. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

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