Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #186: Damaged Goods

When I was 19, one of the reasons I wanted to kill myself was because I felt that I was damaged goods.  Do other survivors ever feel this way, or is it just me?

This concept of ‘damaged goods’ keeps coming back to me, as a theme in my head, ever since that wriggling fucking ant fell on my face while I slept. I am obviously still ‘damaged’, since a fucking ant can drive me right into weeks of crisis.

Many religions teach about women needing to be ‘pure’ when they get married.  Pure, so that men know they are buying whole goods, not damaged ones.   I’m Jewish, and in Judaic law, an incest survivor who was incested before the age of three is still considered to be whole, while a four year old who is raped by her father is considered ‘unpure’.  ‘Unpure’ children who are survivors of rape are not allowed to marry into the Levy or Cohen tribes, because we are considered too unpure for that. 

I was pretty disheartened by the whole thing.  Of course, I could go on for a while about the ways that fundamental/Orthodox religions fuck kids left and right by making them lesser than.  I understand enough now to understand that religion is/was created by men, and men wrote their Bibles and their Talmuds and their laws to suit their needs.  Some of these men were bad and some of these men were good.  I subscribe to a G-d that loves me, all of me, and wants me to heal.  However, when I read about this ‘unpure’ shit, it only reinforced my notion of myself as damaged goods.

The thing about damaged goods is that if they are considered to be good enough to be sold at all, they are sold at a discount.  Like day old bread or dented cans.  Those things sell at a lesser price, and then the rest is tossed out as garbage.  And that is what I felt like.  Damaged goods.  People had done things to my body, and it had a lasting physical and psychological impact, and I knew for sure that I was always going to be damaged goods, and that would mean that no one would ever love me.  I felt that I would never be able to let anyone in, and no one would even want to get in.

I am married to the love of my life.  Thank G-d.  Thank G-d.  Thank G-d. But I am realizing that I am still damaged goods.  It is apparent in every panic attack, and every bug sighting, and every fearful thought that I have to quelch in order to live.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  You damage us, and you create damaged goods.  Some of this is repairable, and some of it isn’t.


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“I’m Jewish, and in Judaic law, an incest survivor who was incested before the age of three is still considered to be whole, while a four year old who is raped by her father is considered ‘unpure’.”

Holy shit. That is BEYOND fucked up. Yet another reason why I don’t follow the Bible (although I do believe in God).

I can definitely relate to how you feel. In my last relationship, I spent so much time asking my girlfriend is there was anything wrong with me, or if I was okay. Each time, she would tell me that I was fine just the way I was. My repeated questioning wasn’t because I thought she was lying, but because i’ve been trained to think that I am not worth anything from a very early age.

Before I get into any relationship, I make a point of basically telling the other person that i am “damaged goods”. But I’ve found that there are far more people who are “damaged” than we realize. It is almost a norm.

Comment by TreatInfamy

Even though I am pretty consistently consciously aware of it, I still struggle with this too. And I can assure you that the many survivors I’ve worked with either through rape crisis advocacy or online support networks can also empathize.

I can also relate to the feeling that every single panic attack or tiny incidence of transference or small trigger can make you feel like your inner structure is fragile and flawed, collapsible at the slightest provocation. But this is not the case.

You’ve already shown your strength and resilience by identifying the ant for what it is–a traumatic reminder of things that others have done to you–and for attempting to process it by hashing out the psychological connections and the emotional fallout related to it.

If you were really a weak fuck-up, you would just ignore or deny that the ant had any effect on you whatsoever, and then go take out all that anxiety, aggression, and panic on someone else. You know, like our abusers did to us.

It takes tremendous bravery to suffer with something and really try to handle it appropriately even though you know that it will hurt for a while before it gets better. The people who hurt us were instead so damaged and fucked up that they couldn’t even bear the thought of that, and so chose easy, convenient, self-serving outlets for their pain instead.

They’re the ones who deserve the damaged goods title. And every time you have a panic attack or feel triggered by some stupid ant, all that is is a testimony to how weak THEY were over and over and over again, to the point of pretty much transferring their own processing and baggage onto your shoulders in much the same way that a bad friend stiffs you with the restaurant bill or leaves you with five bags of their luggage at the airport.

If you end up paying that bill or carrying that luggage, it only says great things about you and your character and reflects poorly on what douchebags they are. Know what I mean?

Comment by blackswan30

I also struggle with this. Some days more than others. Whenever something like an ant comes up for me (as it did this week), the feelings of being damaged and broken are twice as bad.

I really like what Black Swan says about this. I can so relate to the part about pretending nothing affects me – I did that for many, many years.

On good days I know my reaction is “normal” for someone who has been abused, and that this is no reflection on me. But so so hard to remember when the ants appear. Take care, Butterfly.

Comment by Kerro

Hi Butterfly,

Yes I did feel that way. No I don’t think that you are at all alone in this. I have altered my view on that as I have healed. I don’t think that I am damaged goods. I think I am a wonderful, vibrant, courageous, strong survivor and I know you are too.

I wrote a poem about this, about a relationship with someone who reinforced this belief with his abusive treatment of it and titled it damaged goods.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hi Butterfly,
You’re right about those rules being created by and for men. Injured for sure, ‘damaged goods’ never. The whole concept of women as property is wrong too, so it makes sense that all of how it plays out would be messed up. Patriarchy sucks.

I’m proud of who I am, and a lot of what I’m proud of were the strengths I developed actively healing. A person who has faced adversity and resisted with integrity is a better person, not damaged goods.

Blessings to you,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Here is a quote about damaged goods from The Courage to Heal. I remember when I first read this quote in the book, the year the book came out, more than twenty years ago. The thought that other survivors felt that they were damaged goods and had been working on healing that, well it was so validating and healing. Here it is:

http://kate1975.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/survivor-quotes-11/

Comment by kate1975

Hi Butterfly,

I wasn’t sure if had posted my poem about being damaged goods to my blog, finally I had time and remembered when I was online. Here is a link to damaged goods; http://kate1975.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/my-poetry/

Good and healing thoughts to you dear butterfly.

Kate

Comment by kate1975




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