Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #189: The year my brother molested me

The huz and I were talking about how shitty the day before the first day of school is.  There’s that weird horrible glum feeling of impending doom.  I was thinking about my son, and how after some time of vacation, he will go back to school/daycare.  He’s so young, I wonder if it will be shitty for him.  I wish I could save him those shitty feelings.

I thought about it, and suddenly said to my husband “The year my brother molested me, no one liked me.”  My husband was kind of startled by this sudden admission and said “How do you mean?”

I said “No one liked me.   I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere.  I think I was eight years old when he molested me?  I was in 3rd grade.  After doing fine in kindergarten and 1st and 2nd grade, suddenly no one liked me in 3rd grade.  My teacher didn’t like me. Then about 3/4 of the way through the school year, my teacher got sick, and another one replaced her and she didn’t like me either. My grades that year sucked.”

I thought about it some more and said “I had no friends in school that year.  My great grandmother died that year, and I remember the teacher telling the class that my great grandmother died, and this little shithead next to me said “Don’t expect me to be nice to you just because your great-grandma died.”

My husband said “Wow.  What a dick. I’m so sorry sweetie.”

I said ” I felt incredibly unspecial that whole year, unloved and unloveable. I had no friends at camp that year either.  The counselors didn’t like me, and it was like every day was just something to get through instead of something to enjoy. We went on this day trip to a baseball game at some famous stadium, and they left me alone in bleachers far away from the rest of the camp, next to two adults who weren’t even part of the camp, while the counselors sat off somewhere else with the rest of the kids.  If that happened to my son now, I’d be fucking PISSED.  But when it happened to me, I never said a word to anyone.”

The year my brother molested me, no one liked me.  Maybe people did like me, but I didn’t feel like anyone did.  I felt like the worst piece of shit on earth, and in my mind, every time no one liked me was like evidence that my inner feelings matched my outer self. 

In the wild, when an animal is sick and dying, sometimes the pack leaves it to die alone.  The reason for this is that predatory animals come for the sick, and the rest of the pack is smart enough not to be there when predators come.  Maybe it was like that for me.  Maybe everyone sensed I was fucked up, and didn’t want to be around me.  I was fucked up, and arguably still am.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


4 Comments so far
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Hmmm, Butterfly, I’m so sorry you feel this way. But, you are not a fuck up… or if you are, then I am too.

I need to challenge you on the everyone not liking you thing. How do you know? How do you really know? You don’t. You’re seeing your childhood through your own lens, which was distorted by some true fuck ups who molested you.

Of course you feel like no one liked you. Me too, for so much of my childhood. But, I’m learning that these feelings weren’t ours, just more shit thrown on us by our abusers.

((warm safe hugs))

Comment by Kerro

I can relate somewhat to this post. I had heaps of friends in K, 1 and 2, then was suddenly all alone in grade 3. I couldn’t figure out what happened, what had changed, why no-one liked me anymore. And that included my teacher too. Once a girl took pity on me and asked me to play but a couple of days later she told me frankly (and as tactfully as an 8yo can I think) that I didn’t belong with her group of friends.

Now, looking back with an adult perspective, I think I wasn’t really friendly. I was dealing with so much shit in my life and I just plain wasn’t happy. I was probably walking around looking at the ground constantly with a very gloomy facial expression. And I didn’t FEEL valuable at all, I didn’t believe I was worth having friends. I think I probably sent out a strong vibe of “Leave me alone” even though I desperately craved love and attention.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming myself and I don’t think you were to blame either. The abusers are to blame for making life so miserable for us. I just don’t believe, at least in my experience, that the kids, teachers, etc were purposefully being nasty or mean. I think that I was walking around with a big flashing light saying “I’m being abused and I need help”, but back then people just didn’t know how to interpret it. I sure hope that things are changing for today’s kids.

It wasn’t your fault that no-one liked you Butterfly. And this is a damn good reason you shouldn’t fuck kids. It wrecked havoc on my social life for decades.

Dawn

Comment by dawnawakening

Hi Dawn – thank you for sharing – it made me feel less alone, and less crazy.

Hi Kerro – thank you for the hugs.

Comment by butterflysblog

Kids didn’t like me iether. I wasn’t popular till university when I was out of my abuser’s house. I think it has to do with being overwhelmed all the time and kids noticing I was different but not understanding why. I would cry easily, and had low self esteem, of course, so it does kind of make sense they wouldn’t like me, not having the perspective to identify that I must be unhappy for a reason and choose to be kind that an adult might (or might not) do. ditto for teachers, although less so since I was a big people pleaser and teachers pet and put a lot of energy into getting teachers to like me. I think I was looking for safety and a saviour.

Comment by sworddancewarrior




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