Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #192: Belief
August 24, 2010, 12:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I once read this study that examined the after-effects of child sexual abuse.  This study found that when the victim disclosed their abuse to someone, and they felt believed by the person they disclosed to, they were more okay than the victims who weren’t believed (in terms of depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, etc.)  Then, this study looked at whether the victim perceived an unsupportive environment.  In other words, the study examined whether the victim thought someone would believe them if they did tell.  The ones who perceived that telling would do no good because no one would believe them were a lot more fucked up than the victims who thought their disclosure would be believed.

In thinking about that, I guess I instinctively knew my mom would believe me.  I told her about my brother, she believed me, and made it all stop for me.  Thank G-d.  Thank G-d.  I guess that’s one thing about belief – when you believe what we’re telling you, you stop future crimes from happening.  

Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually play out like that.  In general, when a kid is in a family where someone is fucking them, the rest of the family turns a blind eye.  The child perceives that they all kind of know what’s happening and aren’t doing much to stop it, so they also understand that disclosing isn’t such a great idea either.  Why bring to the surface the fact that your own mother doesn’t love you enough to stop your dad/uncle/stepfather/brother/whoever from hurting you. 

I recently read through a forum where a daughter disclosed that her mother was sexually abused and wrote an unpublished book about it.  The mother has since passed away, and the daughter is painstakingly putting this whole book on her blog, so that her mother can finally have a voice for all those horrible hurts (after being silenced so long).  The replies to this daughter, on that forum, were absolutely heinous.  The whole thread turned into this disgusting back-and-forth of “should you believe a disclosure” and “can you support someone without believing them”.  I don’t know why this shit shocks me anymore, but it does. 

A person’s mother died, and still people have to argue about whether it was truthful.  I guess it is easier to argue about whether to believe or whether support is real if you don’t believe than it is to talk about what the fuck we should do about all the people who are fucking kids, and what to do about all the already fucked kids.  That is one of the many reasons I keep this blog anonymous.  I have seen it too many times in my life where someone doesn’t quite know how to react to my shit, wants to be supportive but wants to balance it with some sort of weird belief system that says that I am lying.  My own aunt said “Things happen between brother and sister”.  I said “Not oral sex”.  She didn’t know what to say then.  She probably believes some shit went down between my brother and I, but doesn’t understand at all why I would be fucked up about that.

Here’s what I say about this.  Think about the last time you had adult consensual sex.  Think about what you were wearing, what your partner was wearing, what they were doing, how it felt, where their mouth was, their genitals were, what they smelled like, what setting the sex was in, etc.  Now think about describing that to someone.  Think about what it would be like to describe it to a stranger.  Difficult and embarrassing, right?  It’s hard to disclose anything sexual, even when it is consensual.  Child sexual abuse forces a situation where your introduction into sex is dark and weird and terrible. 

If something wrong happened to you or someone you know: Keep telling until someone believes you.  Keep telling.  Keep telling.  Keep telling.  Someone will believe you.  I believe you. What happened to you is wrong, and it is not your fault.  If you encounter people who don’t believe you, it is because they are wrestling with their own shit, and it has nothing to do with you.  Move on, and keep telling until you find the person who does believe you.

6 Comments so far
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Why bring to the surface the fact that your own mother doesn’t love you enough to stop your dad/uncle/stepfather/brother/whoever from hurting you.

I couldn’t help noticing that you list all male family members here. Now, it really irks me when someone is, for example, talking about how rape effects women and there’s always that one person who perks up and feels the need to insert, “Men get raped too!” We know, and that’s not necessarily what we were talking about. So, if you are specifically talking about young girls abused by male family members, forgive me for piping up. I just wanted to say that as a female abused by her mother, well, that fucks you up too.

As for belief… boy, you’re right, it’s quite the can of worms. I think a lot of people who’ve been sheltered and fortunate enough not to encounter child sex abuse either themselves or in their circle of friends don’t know how to react, and instead of reacting with compassion, react with disbelief. On the one hand, I am glad that these are still considered acts to be so heinous that they’re incredible, but I don’t understand responding with a total lack of empathy.

There’s a wonderful book called “Betrayal Trauma” by Jennifer Freyd. I swear, it saved my sanity. At a time when I was starting to recover memories (which adds a whole extra level of self-disbelief) and thought I was going completely crazy, I read this book. Subsequently, I did some research on the author and– get this– the “False Memory Syndrome Foundation” (that’s right, an entire foundation dedicated to telling survivors who dissociate that they’re all liars) was founded by Jennifer Freyd’s parents. Puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it? For me, at least, it certain kills any credibility the FMSF may have held. But there are still plenty of people out there who’d tell me I’m a liar, that my memories were implanted by a therapist (even though I didn’t see a therapist until AFTER I’d started to remember), and I’m destroying the reputations of the innocent. If the abusers are innocent, though, what does that make the children at their mercy?

I digress… point being, Belief is huge. I still worry that people won’t believe me. As recent as last night I had a horrible nightmare about my mother, in which she repeatedly declared her innocence while molesting me. By the end of the dream, I was weeping, saying I made it all up– just to get her to stop.

Comment by Natalie Rose

When I finally – as an adult – came out to tell my Mom about my abuse at the hands of my stepfather, it was because my hand was forced, so to speak. He’d failed a lie detector test for a possible job that asked the question, and he couldn’t hide the lie. The police called ME to ask if I could tell them anything. I said I couldn’t… and called my Mom to spill the whole story. She confronted my stepdad, and the next morning, he ran his car into a tree and killed himself.

She still lives partially in a state of denial about what he did. The rational side of me knows it’s because she can’t come to terms with loving a monster. The inner child still hurts, though.
After all this, I ended up diagnosed [finally!] with Major Depression and PTSD, with a course of meds and visits to a therapist. I’m starting to feel less broken, but it’s a process for sure. And it definitely corroborates to me the study you reference – I felt the lowest I’d felt in years after confessing my secret to my Mom, knowing that she doesn’t want to believe.

Comment by xiane

You said it, Butterfly. People can be such assholes about not wanting to believe that bad people can hurt their young relatives in a sexual way. I say to them: Get over it. We’re not shutting up.

@xiane – interesting that he failed a lie detector test. Although apparently sociopaths have an easier time defeating lie detectors (because they don’t feel bad about lying) I’ve heard it’s a good way to catch child abusers in the lie.

@Natalie – I recovered full memory of what happened to me when I was an adult too, and then found physical evidence (scars on my vulva) that proved I’d remembered correctly. There’s a link on my blog on the right hand sidebar to a website that has actual evidence about recovered memories of childhood sexual abuse that shows a lot of them can be independently corroborated like mine was.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

oops, it’s not in the sidebar anymore, it’s in on the links page which is a tab near the top.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

It was indeed ludicrous how those people responded to me on that blog. After awhile, I gave up trying to convince them. I had expressed myself, and anyone who happened upon the thread would see my logic. There was no convincing the guy who had a stated agenda, but it’d be almost impossible for him to really look inside of himself and see how ridiculous his point of view is.

Anyway, thank you for mentioning my project in your blog. After reading this entry, I was able to gather up enough motivation to continue on. I’ve been neglecting this for a couple of weeks, but tonight, I’m in the middle of typing up the next two chapters. Within an hour, I’ll have the next update posted. I need to finish this for my mother, if no one else. And I still believe others will benefit from it.

Also, I’m actually a son, not a daughter. 🙂 I certainly don’t blame you for thinking I’m female, though. 🙂

Anyway, this comment is going on a bit long, but thanks again for the mention.

Comment by hushlittlebabybook

Oh goodness – I am so sorry for assuming you were female!!! See what happens when we assume??? So sorry.

I thought it was disgusting the way those people reacted, and I can’t help but think they had some sort of personal things going on that made them react that way. Good for you for continuing on with this worthy project. You not only honor your mother when you do this, you honor all of us who have survived and transcended.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

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