Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #198: The Nutritionist

I have begun seeing a nutritionist. During my first appointment, she asked me why I was there. I said “I am fat, and I don’t want to be.” (I tend to be blunt.)

I described my eating patterns to her. Her response? “You have a full blown eating disorder.”

A lot of survivors seem to struggle with weight issues and disordered eating. The research literature is full of studies showing a link between bulimia and child sex abuse, and anorexia and child sex abuse, and compulsive eating and child sex abuse.  In this way, I guess I am yet another statistic.

I wonder – if that babysitter hadn’t used my body as a weapon, and my brother hadn’t used me like I was nothing, and my father hadn’t betrayed me – I wonder if I would only be eating for hunger reasons, the way I see a lot of thin people doing? I mean, I wonder if my relationship with food, and also my relationship with my body would be different? I can’t help but think that it would be.

I know for sure that I use my fat as a method of insulation. I know that most men find me less attractive when I have fat on my body, and that they find me more attractive when I have less fat on my body.  Fat is protection, and that protection is more than I had in childhood. 

I suppose that the hard truth is probably that no matter what I would have weighed, that babysitter would have molested me anyway.  And probably my brother would have too.  I guess my dad would have as well.  Somewhere in my head, I understand that logic dictates that none of the sex abuse was actually about my real body, in that these people in my life would have used me anyway, no matter what my actual body looked like.  None of it was about attraction to my actual body, except their attraction to an easy victim, which I was.

But somehow in my distorted way of thinking, I feel like if I insulate my body with layers of fat, then perhaps I can ward off the kind of evil I have already experienced.  It’s disordered thinking which lead me to a lifetime of disordered eating, and I am sure it plays a heavy part in my constant dieting failures.  That is the 198th way that surviving child sexual abuse has fucked me up.

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I have it in my head that the reason my brother abused me was because I was a chubby kid, and therefore not innocent. All the skinny kids around me would have never had happen to them what happened to them…so now I tend on the side of disordered eating to lose weight, in the hopes that somehow I can make up for deserving what happened to me. The less I weigh, the less guilt I feel, because I feel like now I can say, “Okay, maybe I did deserve it then, but look, I’m underweight, so I don’t deserve it now.” It makes zero sense logically, but it’s how I think.

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