Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #199: I still react like a fucked kid

Today, I had to go to something akin to the emergency room.  Not quite the emergency room, but a way to see the doctor if you happen to get fucked up sick on a weekend.  Anyway, we had been sitting there for about an hour when the huz noticed that two people who came in after us got called in before us.  He went up and talked to the people in charge, and the head nurse called us back within two minutes of him speaking up for me.

When we got back to her station, she was completely nasty with us.  Her first sentence to us was to explain to us why the other people got called in ahead of us.  She attributed it to someone else’s mess-up, but my husband didn’t buy that explanation.  He said nothing, but afterwards when we were alone in the car, he said it was fairly obvious that she was so defensive because she fucked up. 

I am sick, and have lost most of my voice.  It’s very hard to speak and be heard today.  Getting sound to come out is like a Herculean task, so I was grateful to have the huz there to speak for me today.  I thought two things today:

1) I felt powerless, without my normal mental and emotional faculties and my voice.  I had no voice.  I was yet again voiceless.  When my brother was molesting me, I had a voice and I used it and it meant nothing to him.  I was nothing to him, I had no power with him. 

2) That nurse was completely nasty to me, the sick person in her care.  She took my blood pressure so roughly that I am bruised all over my right arm where the blood pressure cuff was.  My take home message from that was “When we speak up for ourselves, people hurt us.”  And instantly, I was back there, that 8 year old girl whose brother was secretly molesting her on the couch in the living room.

I wonder if people who haven’t been fucked think this way?  I mean, do non-abused kids go where I went in terms of “When we speak up for ourselves, people hurt us”?  Or do they just think “Wow, that nurse was defensive”, or worse, “That nurse was a bitch!”  The thing is, she wasn’t a bitch.  She was someone who was obviously overworked and tired, and the last thing she needed was a customer pointing out that she fucked up.  Or am I identifying with the abuser when I have empathy for her?

Maybe the sickness is making me more emotionally vulnerable than normal, or perhaps it puts me in a better place to assess things.  Or perhaps this is just the 199th way that being a survivor of child sexual abuse has fucked me in adulthood again. I knew the blood pressure cuff was too tight, but I said nothing when my arm was hurting like that.  I was afraid of the nurse today, the way I was afraid of all the other people in my life who have used my body.

I am not a child anymore, and yet I reacted to this hurt today as if I were a child.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


4 Comments so far
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After years of abuse from my mother and partners and friends who picked up on my vulnerability, the message in my head is, “If you speak up, not only will people not care, but the people who say they care will abandon you.”

I don’t think that fear will ever go away, and it hurts to feel it every time.

I’m sorry that nurse was such a shitstain to you.

Comment by thehappyfangirl

I have run into many bitchy nurses over the years. A lot of them being psychiatric nurses no less. We are all tired and overworked. I’m not sure why they go into this line of work when deep down I suspect they don’t even like people. I would have jerked the cuff off my arm and told her to re-do it without the attitude, but that’s just me. I respond to a bitch by introducing her to a real bitch—-me.

Comment by 1elemental

Butterfly,

I know that feeling of not being able to speak up. I lived most of my life that way and with less of a reason for it than you. It ultimately made me miserable, unstable, and eventually psychotic. I really believe that our voices are one part of our bodies each of us need to learn to connect with, or they will grow up stronger than our own. And it hurts me to think that you also are feeling this way because of a physical illness combined with a terribly uncomfortable social situation. You needn’t worry about your ability to empathize with an abuser. You are a compassionate person with enough strength to help those who are suffering as badly as you, which says a lot about you.

Thank you for another beautiful post about another shitty day.

Comment by sandma1half

Happy Fan Girl – Thank you for the laugh about the use of the word “shitstain”.
1Elemental – Thank you for the laugh about this: I respond to a bitch by introducing her to a real bitch—-me.
Sandma1Half – Thank you so much for your kind empathic words. They are a gift.

Comment by butterflysblog




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