Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #203: A truck on my street
November 16, 2010, 11:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Today, I was driving home in my car, and when I pulled up in my driveway I noticed a truck driving down my street somewhat slowly.  I was getting out of the car and meant to get the mail out of my mailbox, but I got so freaked out by the presence of that slow-moving-truck that instead of getting my mail, I panicked and fumbled and opened my garage door and ran in and closed it real quick and breathed really hard and my body was shaking and I hurried to see my doggie who I knew would make me feel better.  Once inside, I couldn’t quite catch my breath and I was just so afraid and I couldn’t stop shaking.

Later on, the huz got home and I asked him to bring the mail in.  In the rain.  But I was honest, and I told him why I didn’t get the mail.  It was humiliating, like so many other times I have had to come clean with whomever about some shit like this.

I bet that when non-fucked kids see trucks on their street, they think it’s a truck on their street.  When I saw it today, I thought it was some predator looking for prey.  I didn’t want to be that prey.  I have been that prey before.

I think everyone’s a predator.  Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong.  Who knows.

3 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly,
I get paranoid too sometimes when I’m triggered. I hope this won’t offend you, but it seems like you’re feeling paranoid a lot of the time. Regular survivor fear, where you’re terrified but know it’s just a memory of fear from the past is one thing, or getting triggered, is one thing, but it sounds like you’re actually afraid of present day stuff that is almost certainly not happening, which is more on the paranoia end of things. I’m not saying this to judge you, but to suggest looking in another place for a solution.

I’m wondering if you have gotten checked out by a psychiatrist for the paranoia. Us abuse survivors are apparently at higher risk for things like psychosis – hallucinations, paranoia, delusions etc… probably because of all the stress years of terror puts on the brain. If you have anyone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or depression in your family that’s a risk factor too. If so it’s a good thing, as there are meds that can turn down the dial on the paranoia so you can tell the difference between getting triggered and really being in danger again. Sometimes even knowing it’s your brain misfiring can help. I had some hallucination type things (I still don’t know what they were) when I was younger and under enormous stress and it turned out to be a bizarre way my brain had of expressing repressed anger. Once my therapist figured that out for me and I started figuring out how to express my anger and making the connection between the images and my anger, they gradually stopped, which was a big relief, since they were terrifying.

Sending my support,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior – I am fairly certain I agree with you, in terms of panic disorder. I am not sure about paranoia – I thought that was something else entirely, like where you think people are talking about you and they aren’t, and that sort of thing. But I agree about the panic disorder, definitely. What types of drugs help with that?
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hey Butterfly,
I’m not a doctor, so I don’t actually know much about drugs for anxiety disorders, or whether paranoia is a common symptom of panic disorder.

However, as part of my work, I’m good at finding medical info online. I looked and there are some journal articles talking about the connection between paranoia and panic attacks. I found some academic links, but couldn’t get the full articles online. I did however find an online psychology advice column that gave an example of the differences that might be helpful.

If it is paranoia (instead of or as well as anxiety), it might be why the treatment you’ve had for your panic disorder isn’t working as well as you’d like. I’m guessing the meds are different. Some of what I read is how paranoia and panic reinforce each other. If you look up paranoia, you’ll get a bunch of information on psychosis and schizophrenia, which could be off-putting, but keep in mind that paranoia is connected to other things as well. However, if you have a near relative with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or severe depression, I’d make sure to tell that to the doctor, as that puts you at higher risk for related issues.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

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