Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #204: So you were never safe

This week I told my marital therapist – in one of our individual sessions – that my Dad used to punch my brother and I.  He would get angry, lose his temper, punch us, and then we were all supposed to act like nothing happened.

The weird thing about talking about it and remembering it is that I don’t feel a thing.  I can’t remember how being punched felt, I don’t remember it hurting, etc.  I don’t feel a lot even when I talk about it.  It’s like I know existentially that fathers punching daughters and sons is terribly abusive, but I am removed from it in some weird way.

Anyway, the therapist said “Where was your mom during all of this?”

I said “Mom has always had a way of dissociating for all of her life.  I mean, as an example, when she had my Dad arrested for almost killing her, he wanted to get back at her, so he called the electric, gas, and water companies and had all those turned off.  Mom lived in the house for a whole week before she noticed.  So she lived in a dark, cold, waterless house FOR A WEEK and didn’t even notice.”

Then the therapist said “Wow.  So you were just never safe, you were never going to be safe in a house like that.”

I think she hit the nail on the head.  It’s like I was never safe, never going to be safe, and now it’s like I spend all my energy trying to attain this elusive “safety”.  All my energy goes into trying to maintain safety.  I told the therapist “I think I married my husband because he is so safe.  I knew he would never push me on the sex issue.”  She said “I think that’s EXACTLY why you married him.” 

The piss of it is that I am fucking lucky that I married such a safe man.  So many of us survivors marry total shitheads who either beat us or fuck our kids.  I have already mentioned that when you fuck kids, you fuck us for life, you fuck our moms, you fuck our partners, and you fuck our jobs.  And now I realize – you fuck up who we choose to spend the rest of our life with.  We either recreate abusive situations or we marry total safety, for better or worse.

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[…] Reason #204: So you were never safe […]

Pingback by Reason #206: It fucks our partners’ jobs too « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Hi Butterfly,

For myself I can feel no response when I am around physical violence of any kind. I get calm, cool, and collected, totally shut down. It takes some time of talking about it before the emotions unthaw. Talking helps. Sometimes writing helps. And art therapy as well, brings up a lot of original emotions that I have trouble accessing in other ways. It helps me to remind myself what others might be feeling.

I can relate very much to not ever feeling safe. I’m sorry you went through that. I found it devastating.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] of jobs: “I have already written before about how the abuse has fucked me, my mom, my job, my choice of life partners, and my partner himself.  Now we know it fucks our partners’ jobs […]

Pingback by Reason #313: Pyrrhic Victories | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids

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