Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #206: It fucks our partners’ jobs too

The huz and I were talking last night about his job.  There is a possibility that another job will open up in his company, and he was thinking of trying for it.  I always think that trying to better yourself is a good idea, so I encouraged him to try for it.

Then he said “The only thing is that it requires a lot more travel than I am doing now.”

In a spectacularly selfish move on my part, I said “Ugh, forget it then.”  He is, of course, free to do what he wants.  If I know him, he’ll try for it anyway, and will try to take care of me in some other way (like hire his sister to stay with me).  He is a sweet man who tries to think of my emotional safety; one of the many reasons I love him so much.

The thing is, he married someone who is afraid to be alone.

Bad things happened to me when I was left alone, and consequently, I am terrified of being alone, especially in the dark.  I have already written about the trauma of his business trips before, and the idea of him having to take more of them in the future already causes me no small amount of panic.

The whole time we were dating, I tried to warn my husband about my fear of being alone, and I tried to warn him about it some more the whole year we were engaged to each other.  I tried to explain to him how difficult it would be to be married to me, and it was one of many reasons I told him it would be stupid to marry me.  There’s no arguing logic with someone who is in love though, so he married me anyway.  Plus, I guess you can warn someone all you want, and they won’t understand it until they are living it with you.

When I was still with my ex-girlfriend, she had this job where she was required to do overnight shifts.  Being left alone at night fucked me up so much that I asked her to ask for a different shift.  Her boss told her she would lose her job if she didn’t do the overnight shifts.  My sweet girlfriend chose me over her job.  I really don’t know why she or my husband put up with my shit, but they do, and I am eternally grateful. 

I suppose the right answer to all of this is for me to learn how to not be afraid of the dark, or to learn how to be okay by myself.  I am 37 – I haven’t figured it out yet, and I have tried so many things to reduce the panic that constantly encircles me.  I am not entirely sure there will ever be a ‘cure’ for me, though my marital therapist seems fairly confident that survivors of sexual abuse can heal.  I hope she is right.

I have already written before about how the abuse has fucked me, my mom, my job, my choice of life partners, and my partner himself.  Now we know it fucks our partners’ jobs too.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  The effects are much more far-reaching than you’d think.

2 Comments so far
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Dear Butterfly,

I wanted to say this and don’t know why I didn’t leave a comment the first time I read this post. You wrote you don’t know why your ex-girlfriend and huz put up with your shit. First, it is not your shit, it is the aftereffects of child sexual abuse. You are and were terrified to be left alone overnight. That is abuse shit, that is not your shit. And you are not trying to manipulate, abuse and control others. There is a huge difference. I’m sure they love(d) you and care(d) for you and that is why they are willing to make necessary accomodations, when possible, for you.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] example, from reason #206, where I discussed how my sex abuse was fucking up my husband’s choice of jobs: “I have […]

Pingback by Reason #313: Pyrrhic Victories | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids

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