Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #207: Resentment

My mom and I were driving together in the car the other night, and inevitably the conversation came back to her recovery from food addiction. My mom is a member of a 12-step program for her addiction to food, and she loves to talk about it. For her recovery, she has to write these assignments based on the 12 steps. One of the things she has to write about is her resentment. She said she had like 75 things she was resentful about in her life, and each thing is an assignment unto itself.

I thought about that, and asked her “Hey, am I on the list?”

She appeared hesitant, and said “Yes.”

I thought about that. I wondered if maybe it was because I was so messy when I lived with her – she hated that. Finally, I said “So what is it? What’s the thing that put me on your list?” At this point, in the dark car, I was kind of smiling, not really taking any of this seriously.  I mean, really, if we were all to make lists of shit we resent, all our lists would probably be a mile long.  So at this point I figured who gives a shit what put me on her list.  But I was curious enough to see what exactly I was on there for.

Again, my mom appeared hesitant, so I said “Come on, why am I on the list?  Why do you resent me?”

And then she hit me with this bombshell: “Because you make me feel guilty about the sexual abuse.”

How do you like that, folks?  I make her feel guilty about the sexual abuse.  Mind you, she has never read this blog, so she has no idea all the ways that I am fucked up from the sex abuse.  I have purposely kept her away from this blog, because I was so worried about her feelings. 

I think when she says I make her feel guilty, I think what she really means is “You talk about how fucked up you are from the sex abuse, and I feel guilty because of it.”

When she told me she resents me for making her feel guilty though, I got PISSED.  Well, first I felt like a truck hit me, but after that passed, I got PISSED.   I mean – look – she did hire the babysitter that molested us.  She did NOTHING after I told her the babysitter did this to us.  I mean, wouldn’t a normal person try and track that person down?  Call the cops?  Something?

She did leave me home alone with my brother while he was molesting me.   However, to her credit, when I told her about that, she put an immediate stop to it.  She still left us alone, but she apparently threatened him with the beating of his life, and he left me alone after that.  For the most part.

Then, and this is the most painful part – she left me continually alone with my father and brother in my teenage years so that she could go fuck the guy she was having an affair with.  She was out almost all hours of the day and night, and there I was, alone, in a house full of animals.  Even after I told her what was happening with my dad, her response to it was to tell me to put some more clothing on, and she went to the doctor to get Valium for herself.  At no time did she actually stop the abuse from my father.  Not the punching, not the choking, not the belt, and not the inappropriate touching and exhibitionism.

She only left when he threatened to kill her.  She only got me help when the state threatened to take me away from her if she didn’t seek treatment for me.

And now she resents me.  For making her feel guilty.  I’m pretty resentful too.  Consider this my 207th resentment, frankly, and a reminder as to why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Everyone resents it.


12 Comments so far
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HER resent YOU? Pardon my bluntness, but she should get down on her knees and beg forgiveness for not immediately getting you and her and the kids out of the house, starting divorce proceedings and calling the cops when you disclosed her husband was sexually abusing you. Isn’t that what you’d do if someone hurt your son? That’s what a real mother does, period. Anything less is just not good enough. She should be contrite, mortified and apologetic continuously for life for doing that to her daughter.

My mother resents me going on about it too, but that’s just too bad. If she’d just done her job, things would be a lot different. It’s called accountability. The abuse isn’t her fault, but she colluded with it, which makes her an accomplice. I tried to be all understanding of her situation at first, but an adult (particularly a 12 step program member) takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t project blame on the person she’s harmed like she’s just done. Her sponsor if she has one should bust her rump over this.

Geeze louise, I just divorced my mom over exactly this kind of crap myself, so it’s a sore point for me, but really if she doesn’t get it now, she never will. (By the way, I don’t regret severing contact with my mom at all.)

Got yer back,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior – thank you so much for commenting on this one. I was worried that people would think I was a giant asshole for writing this, and I debated about it before including it. This blog is supposed to be an accurate representation of my life, in that my life includes many after-effects of surviving child sexual abuse. Since this is yet another after-effect, I figured I should include it.

I am grateful for your support, as always.

Comment by butterflysblog

wow, afuckingmazing….
I don’t know what to say Butterfly, but I am not shocked. I run into this denial/minimizing/blame the victim bullshit all the time.
I am so sorry you had to hear those words come out of her mouth.
I am so sorry you now know that she really isn’t all that empathetic to your plight.
I think you should print your blog out and mail it to her, let the chips fall where they may….that was all of the adults attitudes when we were all getting fucked, right?

wish you the best, don’t suppress your rage and keep working hard on your healing, dear one 🙂

Comment by PhoenixAscending

Sweet, sweet precious butterfly. Oh precious I am so very glad that you got pissed. You are totally entitled to be pissed.

You writing down all the ways that she allowed sexual abuse and other types of abuse to flourish, it was in so many ways and is so overwhelming. I am so enraged at her right now.

I know that I don’t normally go all medieval and swear online etc, but this has to be an exception. But here goes, fuck her!

Sweet Butterfly, she is so unworthy of being your mother. You are an angel and a saint to have anything to ever do with her. She was wrong and she knows that she was wrong and that is why she feels so much and why instead of acknowledging that and doing the best to deal with that and the damage and betrayal she put you through, instead she rebels, still, and wants to wallow in self-pity and self-obsession rather than act like an adult for one moment and take the blame that rightly belongs to her and takes step to make amends to you, and that never happens by making a shaming and blaming list of those she has victimized. That her depth of responsiblity has led her run from it and instead into victim blaming rather than sucking it up and for once being a mother, well I guess that says it all.

I cannot imagine for one moment that you would treat your son like this nor allow an abuser within a mile of him. You are a mother. She is just some sick old bitch.

I say again, fuck her.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Fuck her, indeed. I’m with Kate. Just who does your mother thinks she is to resent YOU when she treats you this way. Your mother, my mother, certain attitudes of my old therapist and many similar and toxic others are the reason we suffer THIS:

http://etherealhighway.blogspot.com/2009/09/shame-manifesto.html

You know what, Butterfly?

I RESENT YOUR MOTHER!! Up hers. She has no right to dump her toxic crap off on you when she was a player in the whole mess and you were HER CHILD. Frankly, she ought to be groveling at your feet and kissing your ass.

— E.H.

Comment by 1janedonut

I guess this particular entry seemed to hit a lot of buttons for people, and it makes me realize the complicity of the ‘non-offending’ parent. For some of the commenters, ‘mom’ was the abuser, and for others, ‘mom’ was the non-offending parent. I think perhaps the commenters are a bit farther on their healing journey than I am, as I am not quite comfortable with being angry at my mom, and never really have been. Maybe this is my normal need to attach to a parent figure, or maybe it’s discomfort with anger in general. Some good things to think about.

I just want to say to all of you though – Kate1975, Warrior, 1JaneDonut, & Phoenix – I appreciate all of your comments. You are showing me that you are upset by what she said, which tells me that my feelings were valid as well. I appreciate the support.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #207: Resentment […]

Pingback by Reason #208: Resentment, Part II « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] Reason #207: Resentment […]

Pingback by Reason #210: Feeling like a disgusting fat pig « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] Reason #207: Resentment […]

Pingback by Reason #211: Ricki Lake, Food, and Fat « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I think of my father, who was a non-offending parent, and think if he treated me like this, how would I feel about him, and that is how I feel about your mom. I totally understand you not feeling the same way that I do about your mother. You don’t have to feel or think the same ways that I do for me to care about and support you in your life and your healing. Sometimes someone else being angry at a parent of ours can be liberating and healing and sometimes it can freeze the survivor’s feelings, makes them feel guilty and further responsible. I only mean the best for you and for your healing and don’t want you to feel bad, I want to be supportive. You and the person that you are means that I love and care about you and want all the healing to come into your life.

I totally understand that you still want a parent to attach to. I also wanted to say that I don’t really consider your mother a non-offending parent, I consider her complicit, and I think that is a large part of my feelings and reaction to her. I don’t have a complicit parent, but I have known many survivors who have experienced that and I get a huge emotional response to that. I don’t think it is about my parents, I think it is about my over-identifying with other survivors and their pain. It doesn’t always come out right. Still finding my path on this. Please know that I am always on your side.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

[…] my upcoming together session with my mom.  I explained what happened with my mom, how she said she resents me for making her feel guilty about the sex abuse.  I told her that ever since she said it, I can’t help but focus on all the ways that she […]

Pingback by Reason #213: Me and my Mom « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] started the session with me explaining the problem (that Mom told me that she resented me for making her feel guilty about the sexual abuse).  Mom said that she always feels guilty about the sex abuse and when we fight she feels extra […]

Pingback by Reason #214: Scenes from our together session, Part I « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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