Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #208: Resentment, Part II
December 21, 2010, 2:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

In my last post, I talked about finding out that my mom resents me for “making her feel guilty” about the fact that I was sexually abused.

I couldn’t take being so angry anymore, so I wrote her an e-mail saying that when I last saw her in person, she said something that upset me, and could we please set aside a time to talk on the phone about it.  She called me a few minutes after receiving the e-mail, but since she was at work, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it then.  We set a time to talk about it tonight after she got home from work.

She asked me what she had said that upset me.  I told her it was about her resentment list, and how she told me that I was on it because I made her feel guilty about the sex abuse.

She said “Sweetie,  I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings.”

I said “But what do I say that makes you feel guilty?  Why do you resent me?”

She said, “Honey, resentment for me is really just a mask for my own guilt.  I hate myself for what happened, and I know I can’t take the pain away for you, and it hurts me terribly, and I know that if I am in pain about it, your pain is 10 times worse.  I carry tremendous guilt over it, and I will for the rest of my life.  You didn’t do anything, and I am so sorry I hurt your feelings with this.”

I am not sure if she was saying that because she knew it would make me feel better, or if she really felt that way, but honestly, tonight I don’t care.  I am grateful she either feels that way or grateful she is smart enough to say what I need to hear.  I accept her apology, mostly because I need to in order to get what little sleep I do get.  I need to have a mom, and thus, I need to accept my mom – warts and all. 

I am worried that the survivors who read this will think I am copping out by forgiving her.  You’re right – maybe I am.  This is where I am in my healing journey, and honestly, it’s probably why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  If one parent fucks us, we hold onto the ‘good’ parent for dear life.

9 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly. You are in the situation, not us, so your judgement is going to come from the most accurate information. None of us are in any position to judge, just to give perspective. It sounds like she gets that what she said before is full of crap, which means that she probably flips back and forth between the two perspectives. You are absolutely right to be angry at her for her initial statement – which she must believe at some level, and even entitled to be angry at her if she now gets it. You can be as angry at her as you want to, even if she feels guilty. This is a big one. You don’t have to be fair or reasonable just because half the time she says she’s sorry.

I absolutely get trying to hold on to the good mother. I did it myself for years until I discovered the scars that proved she knew and covered it up, and then lied to my face about it. I was always flipping back and forth between enjoying having a ‘supportive’ mom, and being angry and resentful. Now I know why. My mom has always ‘apologized for not knowing’, but I have proof now that she did, so her lie compounds the betrayal. Your mom was complicit in the abuse too.

I think anger is an important and perhaps essential part of setting boundaries. It also gets me out of my anxiety and fear. Good for you for allowing yourself to experience your intense, justified anger. It makes sense you might flip in and out of it while you’re getting used to that.

Blessings to you.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior – I think you are correct in everything you said. I think I am starting to understand how this all happened to me, and my mom’s role in it. She put a definitive stop to one (possibly two) of my abusers, but not so much with my other one. Moreover, all of the abusers/predators saw some chinks in the system that allowed them to get through, (i.e., divorce, working mom, kids alone, etc.).

Comment by butterflysblog

No judgement here Butterfly.
I’m glad she said the right things to you, that is a redeemable quality, how can I disparage your forgiveness when I silently pine to hear the “right” things from my “good parent”?!?!?!

Much love to you and may you sleep the sleep of the just 🙂

Comment by PhoenixAscending

I wish my mother would say things like that to me. But even if she suddenly changed there has been too much damage because of all the times she said so many mean things to me for being hurt and because she called me crazy and a liar and tried to have me exorcised. Ain’t she sweet? She’s… repulsive. I am very glad that your experience with your mother is different. I wouldn’t wish mine on anybody. Remember that everyone’s experience is different and no one gets to judge you. I certainly wouldn’t judge you. But I will say this — you are SO brave!! It takes real balls to have that feeling of needing a mother and then picking up the phone to try to get one without knowing for sure how it would work out because of the resentment list thing! Well done! Balls, I tell ya. Balls!

Comment by 1janedonut

Phoenix and 1JaneDonut – THANK YOU. I was worried that my loyal readers would think I am a coward or an asshole for forgiving my mom. I should have given all of you a lot more credit for being the caring, thinking, feeling human beings that you are.

Comment by butterflysblog

I responded to you here:

It’s mostly about my own experience. But I don’t think you were wrong in acting the way you did. Not at all.

Comment by TreatInfamy

I’ve decided to borrow your idea for this blog– i think i need to do it too. I hope that’s okay.

Comment by TreatInfamy

[…] Reason #208: Resentment, Part II […]

Pingback by Reason #210: Feeling like a disgusting fat pig « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Hi Butterfly,

It took a lot of courage and healing to be able to feel angry, to identify it as being anger, and to bring it up honestly and cleanly with her.

Forgiveness is never a cop-out. I believe that in itself brings a level of healing. It does not eliminate the issue, or pretend your childhood was anything than what it was, it is a healing thing to do.

Feeling anger and confronting a parent both take a huge amount of courage and healing.

Please know that your survivor friends see you and care about you, your life, and your healing. My emotional responses are just that, my emotions, not meant to pressure you or judge you or to tell you what to do. I know that you are the best person to make the decisions of your life.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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