Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #209: Beating up the little girl inside

The other night, my husband and I were in bed, and he started kissing me.  As my regular readers know, we are having trouble trying to fuck each other, and the kissing was a really welcome surprise.  Anyway, so we’re kissing, and a picture of my brother flashed into my brain.  I quickly pushed the image away and told myself I am with my husband, I am safe, everything’s okay, and BAM – there’s my brother again.  Dammit.  So I push his image out of my mind again and beg myself not to fuck this up for us, that it’s been so long since we have kissed like this, and BAM – there he is again.  ‘Okay,’ I tell myself ‘He’s not really here.  It’s just me and my husband. Please, please don’t fuck this up.  It’s been so long since we have kissed like this’ and BAM – there’s my brother again.  At that point, I stopped kissing my husband.  I yet again fucked it up for us.

My husband realized what was happening and said in a quiet, soothing voice, “Everything’s okay.  It’s just us in bed, just two adults relaxing.  We only do what we want to do and when you don’t want to do something, we stop.”

His hand was still on my hip, and I was laying there trying to breathe, but it was dark and I was afraid and I kept staring at him and trying to will his hand away.  He realized what was happening and took his hand away, gently.

“I’m sorry” I said. 

“You have nothing to apologize for, baby.  Like I said, nothing’s gonna happen that you don’t want to happen” he said.

So we talked about it in our marital therapy session this week.  She said that I have a “sex map”, that we all have “sex maps”, and that my road always goes to that scene with my brother.  She said that the more times it happens like that, the more times it is imprinted on the map.  She said that I keep trying to will it away, but she explained that instead of trying to be a hero with this, I need to listen to myself.

Then she said some pretty interesting stuff.  She said that these flashbacks and scary thoughts are really my body’s way of warning me.  She said that when the sex abuse happened to me, I didn’t have a choice, and now I am in a situation where I am about to be sexual again, and this is my body warning me that last time this happened it was bad.

She told me I need to stop beating myself up over this every time I fuck up our intimate times.  She said it nicer than that, obviously.  Whenever I say ‘I fucked it up’, she says “You didn’t fuck it up, the trauma fucked it up, and you’re reacting to the trauma.”

Anyway though – this is the part that stuck with me – she said “When you beat yourself up like that, you think you are going to beat yourself into not ‘fucking it up’ again, but that’s not what happens.  When you beat yourself up, I want you to imagine beating up that little girl inside you, the one who is trying to warn you about the bad stuff. When you beat yourself up like that, you are really beating her up.  She’s trying with all her might to protect you, and you keep beating her up for it.  Instead, you need to open yourself to listen to the message, not beat yourself up for getting the warning signals.” 

Then she said that in our next alone session, she would teach me how to find out what my body was trying to tell me.

6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I like your therapist so far, and I’m proud of you for working so hard.
Best wishes…

Comment by PhoenixAscending

I agree with your therapist, feeling the feelings and integrating the memories that are driving the miniflashbacks you’re having during sex are likely to make them diminish. It did for me. I don’t have to kick my abuser out of my head nearly as much any more.

It may seem scary to face them head on, but resisting them is worse, and they’re still there to be faced. Listening to your little girl will help her calm down enough to stay out of adult business.

For me, also a change of scene, sound, scent etc… to make it the most possibly unlike the abuse situation as possible is really helpful. Different lighting, scents, location, music all that makes a big difference. I wonder if you could get your husband to wear a cologne or something that reminds your unconscious that he smells nothing like your abusers.

Blessings to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior – I think you’re onto something with the different scents, lighting, etc. This is a great idea!

TreatInfamy – imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; thank you for thinking so much of my idea that you wanted to do it yourself!!

PhoenixAscending – thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,

I am so glad that your therapist continues to be a healing agent in your life. I agree with her.You are going through this, not because of you, but because of what was done to you. You are working on this; that takes an incredible amount of courage.

I would definitely try different lighting, sitting up, and being dressed and kissing. For me, that is the only level I am would even be capable of doing right now. So please realize working in this shows that you are doing many great healing things for yourself and your life.

I agree with her, your body is trying to tell you something. I am glad that you have the individual time with her to work on uncovering the facets that will lead to healing. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] Like how I’m so afraid to kiss my husband – she keeps telling me to embrace it, and hug the little girl inside for protecting […]

Pingback by Reason #224: The babysitter in the room with me « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] though mom will be staying with me, I am stressed.  I am afraid.  And I am beating myself up for being afraid, even though the therapist told me not to.  This whole thing is so embarrassing, […]

Pingback by Reason #225: Unhealthy coping mechanisms « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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