Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #210: Feeling like a disgusting fat pig
December 29, 2010, 7:44 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Things are still weird with my mom.  Ever since she told me that she resents me for making her feel guilty for the sex abuse, it’s like she opened up a vault of shit for me and I can’t close it back up.  Even though she has apologized, I feel weird talking to her.  So I have tried not talking to her very much since the apology.

The truth about sex abuse is that it happens because there’s no ‘good’ adult around to stop it from happening.  Predators know this.  Predators count on this.   So they swoop in when there is the best opportunity to fuck a child.  First they ingratiate themselves into your life, make nice-nice with the adults around you so that they can look innocent when they are caught.  ‘What?  So and so couldn’t have done that!  He’s such a nice guy!’

My mom was just not around (sometimes just not even emotionally there when she was actually physically present) when the three abusers abused me, all at different points in my life.  So to tell me that I make her feel guilty for it, and that she resents me for it, well, I have a strong reaction to that.

I talked to my mom last night and I said that I think this problem is probably bigger than us, and that now that it’s out there in the open between us, I can’t make it okay inside myself.  I suggested that we do a ‘together’ session in therapy.  We’ve done this several times in my life, usually due to the sex abuse, and these sessions have always helped us have a better relationship with each other.  She immediately agreed, and said that we should use my therapist because that’s who I am comfortable with.  I am grateful she wants to work on it with me.

I threw up yesterday; first time in a few months.  I was surprised by it.  I don’t know why I was surprised; every time shit gets stressful in my life, one of the ways that I handle it is by forcing a bunch of food down my gullet and then throwing it all back up.  It’s so disgusting.  That’s how I feel, disgusting. 

The sex abuse wasn’t my fault, but I feel like a disgusting fat pig.  I throw up food at will.

7 Comments so far
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You’re not alone, Butterfly. There are lots of us here who get what it’s like to have entire families that didn’t care enough to protect us, and feel the undeserved shame of it. I know what it’s like to feel murky about your mother, to feel her need to have things be all right when they can never be all right in the way she might want.
Virtual hug to you.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior – As usual, you are compassionate and understanding – thank you!!!

Comment by butterflysblog

I understand these feelings of conflict with the mother. And I think it is normal to have them. I also think that you are not any kind of fat and disgusting pig. You are just hurting. Sometimes I hurt, too. I don’t think you are abnormal. You are smart and beautiful. Please don’t forget that. You are the voice of the child and most people just don’t have the balls to be that.

Comment by 1janedonut

Hi JaneDonut – Thank you for your sweet words. Man, I needed to hear them today!!

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #210: Feeling like a disgusting fat pig […]

Pingback by Reason #211: Ricki Lake, Food, and Fat « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] Reason #210: Feeling like a disgusting fat pig […]

Pingback by Reason #213: Me and my Mom « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

I can relate to how you feel from this, bodywise, I have gone through so much of my life hating and loathing my body for being fat and ugly, even though it usually wasn’t either.

I thought that it was very significant when you wrote that she wasn’t there, not even emotionally, even though she might have been there physically at times. That is a lot of sorrow and a lot of her making you vulernable to abuse and abusers.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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