Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #211: Ricki Lake, Food, and Fat

This morning on Good Morning America, Ricki Lake disclosed that she was molested when she was six years old, and she began gaining weight soon thereafter. She has had a life-long struggle with obesity, and she credits it to her history of being sexually abused. She said she still struggles with food issues.

I have said this before, but I’ll say it again. I didn’t have an eating problem until my brother started his shit with me; I didn’t want the body that I was in, the one I was getting molested in. I didn’t have bulimia till my dad started his shit with me. Eating was the very last thing I could fucking control. I had no control over what they were doing to my body, but I sure could control what I put into it. Throwing it up was a release, a statement, a symbol. ‘I will not hold this in, I will not keep what you are doing to me, I throw it back out at you.’  I have not gotten through one year where I haven’t thrown up on my father’s birthday.

In one of our alone sessions, the marital therapist said that survivors of sexual abuse tend to change their bodies to be the opposite of what it was when we were getting molested. So if we were thin when we were getting raped, we try to be fat. If we were fat, we try to be thin. I was thin when my brother started molesting me, and I gained weight. I was already fat when my dad started with me, and I became bulimic.

Things are weird with my mom right now. Every conversation is tense. Our together session with the therapist is in a few weeks. My eating is completely out of control now. My old therapist once said “Food is mother.  When we are babies, food literally is mother.  Our source of food is our mothers, her breasts provide our nourishment.  Then as we grow up, we continually try to mother ourselves with food.”

Now that Mom and I are fucked up, I am mothering myself like crazy with food.  Eating until I feel numb.  I said to my husband the other day “I need to eat some more.”  He said, “Are you okay?”  I said, “No, I can still feel.”  I suppose this is what happens to alcoholics and drug addicts; these continual attempts at numbness because we can’t erase the pain of what has happened to us.  The pain of what is happening to us now that reminds us of the pain that happened to us then.

I keep hoping that someday I will heal from this, that I will stop using food as a means of anesthesia and instead use it as a means of sustenance.  I know there are people out there who eat because they are hungry, and stop because they are full.  Their relationships with food are so healthy. 

An unhealthy relationship with food.  That’s what resulted from my molestation, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

5 Comments so far
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Thank you for the kind comments at my blog. I’ve been trying to find blogs written by people who have experienced what my son went through so I can pull from them anything that can help me with John and I find a whole community. Your past posts about resentment are interesting and timely for us. The theme the other day for our family and the therapist was resentment. John had a session with his therapist and psychiatrist where he dumped, usually he does this recalling episodes of abuse but this time he just expressed anger and resentment about his brother because he didn’t have to go through what he did and resentment about the relationship Scott has with Justin because they are really tight and resentment against Scott because he is less compassionate with John than me. John has divulged a lot of his abuse and neglect history but nothing about sexual abuse but his therapist says he clearly experienced it. So I don’t know if it happened in the foster system or what. Anyway, again thanks for the kind words and for visiting. Sean

Comment by pinkshanty

Hugs to you, Butterfly, and good for you for scheduling a joint session. I use food to calm myself too, so I can relate. Certain kinds of music can help me too, and some aromatherapy stuff, and comforting touch (like my wife cuddling me or rubbing my back) sometimes they can scale back the need for carbs a bit.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I can completely relate to needing to suffocate myself with food, as that is something that tends to be my habit lately at bedtime. While I do notice that more self-care tends to suppress some of that urge, it rarely vanquishes it completely. A lot of good things happening for me have to be there to help. Until then, I am grateful that your mother is there for you, as weird and awkward and uncomfortable as that is. Not all parents are willing to be there through that, and with any luck, she will be there for you when it ends, too. I believe that it will end because you are doing a terrific job at surviving it and overcoming, becoming a butterfly.

Comment by sandma1half

Hi Butterfly,

“I am mothering myself like crazy with food. Eating until I feel numb. I said to my husband the other day “I need to eat some more.” He said, “Are you okay?” I said, “No, I can still feel.” I suppose this is what happens to alcoholics and drug addicts; these continual attempts at numbness because we can’t erase the pain of what has happened to us.”

This one of the most succinct and accurate picture of a survivor and the relationship with food as a consequence.

Although you might not see it, you see this pattern, you are mindful of it, many survivors cannot and do not see that, you are much farther along than them. You are talking in therapy, that is huge. You are having a session with your mom, that is so huge.

It is okay to use food to manage your emotions, you are trying to get through this, it is not easy. Hopefully you will be able to add some other coping skills as you go through this very difficult time. I find reading and candles help me to relax, sometimes I am too nervous for anything to work, and that is when I have a coffee or some food. Food is mother for me, as well, actually food has always been better to me than my biological mother.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I try to starve myself because my brother eats so much. And eating feels too physical for me, too much related to the body and to his body. But if I fail at starving myself, if I give into hunger then I hate myself so much that I just start eating constantly in the hopes that it will kill me, because slipping up in starving myself makes me wish I was dead than in this body.

Comment by presentlyhuman

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