Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #214: Scenes from our together session, Part I

Mom and I had our together session on Monday.  It went well, but I am left with all these feelings that I can’t quite figure out nor am I really sure what to do with them.  Maybe writing all this stuff out will help me figure it out.  To be honest, I have been a crying mess ever since, and the piss of it is that the session went really really well.  Better than I could have imagined.  Today was the first day I have been able to really process some of it and write about it.

We started the session with me explaining the problem (that Mom told me that she resented me for making her feel guilty about the sexual abuse).  Mom said that she always feels guilty about the sex abuse and when we fight she feels extra guilty because she thinks I am reacting in a certain way because I have been abused, and so she feels worried about fucking me up further by fighting with me.  I am not sure I believe that.

The therapist asked her if she had ever apologized to me for her role in the abuse.  Mom said “Oh yes, many times.”  The therapist looked to me for verification, and I said “No, I don’t feel like she ever has.  Maybe mom feels like she has apologized to me about it, but I don’t.”

Mom looked straight at me and said “I am sorry about the sex abuse.”

I said “No. What exactly are you sorry for?”

Mom burst into tears then and said “Because I didn’t protect you from it and I failed you as a mother.”

Wow.  I wasn’t expecting that.  Needless to say, we were both in tears after she said that.

This is some painful shit.  It’s been over 30 years since that babysitter fucked my brother and I.  And now my mom and I are in therapy together to cry about it still.  She feels like she failed me, and I am scared all the time, and this babysitter gets to walk around like nothing ever happened, like she didn’t fuck up our entire world. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


6 Comments so far
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Good! I’m glad she apologized. I always cry lots about this kind of thing too. It’s like it’s safe to feel the grief suddenly, when it’s been validated.

I wonder if you feel like you have to stop being mad at her now that she’s apologized. I can’t imagine you being done being mad at her yet, and it’s okay if that’s the case. My mom has apologized to me lots, although I didn’t realize till later that she had a lot more to apologize for than I knew.

Did you mom’s not protecting you from your dad come up in session too?

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I’m glad she apologized. It is bound to bring up a ton of things. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate – thank you for the kind words. You are such a warm-hearted person.

Hi Warrior – A lot of stuff came up, including dad (and mom’s role in it). This will actually be a four-part post. After our session, I needed about two full days to just sit and cry, to be honest. So it was only yesterday that I was able to actually sit down and write it all out. It was too much for one post or even two posts, because I felt like so much happened in that session.

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #214: Scenes from our together session, Part I […]

Pingback by Reason #215: Scenes from our Session Together, Part II « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Dear Butterfly,

Yes I am a warm-hearted person and my natural response is to downplay that, but I will try to accept it, so here goes, thank you for saying that, yes I am. I also need to add that it is easy to be nice and warm-hearted to you.

You are so courageous and brave. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but not sure if it ever feels that way. But your life and your blog attest to all that you are, someone it is easy to care about and want to be good to. It is my wish and hope that you are able to take that truth into yourself.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

[…] Reason #214: Scenes from our together session, Part I […]

Pingback by Reason #216: Scenes from our session together, Part III « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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