Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #215: Scenes from our Session Together, Part II

Read Part I here.

At some point during my together session with my mom, I said to the therapist “You know, here’s a perfect example of my mother and the sex abuse.  About a month ago, I made some reference to my three abusers.  Mom replied “Who were your three abusers?”

And sure enough, at that moment in therapy, Mom said “I was just about to ask that again, and then I reminded myself who they were.”

I said to the therapist “See?  This is what I am talking about.  The truth is, Mom is very comfortable with Dad as one of my abusers, because she hates him and so admitting he abused me is comfortable to her.  Mom is less comfortable with my brother being one of my abusers because that’s her son.  So she admits he abused me, but she minimizes his role, my reaction, everything.  Mom is least comfortable with the babysitter as one of my abusers, because –“

And here’s where Mom interrupted me to say, through tears “Because it’s all my fault.  I hired her and she did this and it’s my fault.”

I said “Mom it’s not your fault.  I’ve told you a million times it’s not your fault.  It’s her fault.  You couldn’t have known she was going to do that to us.”

The therapist looked at both of us and said “Is this what happens every time you try to talk about the babysitter?  Mom feels guilty and then you try to protect her and so you reassure her it’s not her fault every time?”

Mom and I both nodded and said yes.  The therapist explained that this was counterproductive to my healing.  She said that we never get to talk about any of the other stuff regarding the babysitter because we always focus on Mom’s guilt with the babysitter.  The therapist told mom that she needs to put her own guilt aside because it’s not helping me heal.  She said I need to be able to talk about it, and if I am constantly protecting her, then I won’t feel free to talk about it.  Mom seemed to really take that to heart, and agreed to discuss her feelings of guilt with her own therapist.  It was an important hurdle to get through, and it really paved the way for the rest of the session, which I’ll post more about in the next post.

But look at what had already happened in the session.  Mom felt so guilty about all of it that it not only stopped us from being able to talk about it, we were actually fighting about it.  This is what happens when you fuck kids.  It’s like a bomb that goes off and afterwards everyone is just scrambling for survival.  Then once we’re sure everyone has survived, then we begin the real work of asking the tough questions: Why did you do this to us?  Because the truth is, the guilt work always comes first. 

We always start out believing it’s our fault.  The non-offending parent blame the victim or themselves.  See who gets off scot-free?  The abuser.  It takes all of us so long just to understand that it’s the abuser’s fault. 

Look how much time, money, productivity, energy, etc. has been spent on all of us trying to heal from the bomb that babysitter detonated on us.  And then the subsequent bombs that my brother and father set off. That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

2 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

I think that was great of your therapist pointing out the process that happens about your mom’s guilt and you having to protect her, how that is stopping any process of talking about it all and how it is counter-productive in general and interferes with your healing. I am so glad that you have a good therapist who really does a good job.

It takes a lot of courage from you and even your mom to be able to do this work. Good for you both. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] Reason #215: Scenes from our Session Together, Part II […]

Pingback by Reason #216: Scenes from our session together, Part III « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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