Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #219: I don’t want to do that
February 2, 2011, 9:44 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last night, the huz and I got into bed, and he moved his face near mine to kiss me.  I said loudly “I don’t want to do that.”  I heard myself say it, and I sounded like a little girl.  A panicked little girl.  I was immediately embarrassed at how I sounded.  The huz said “It’s okay, baby.  No one has to do anything they don’t want to do.” 

I’ve been fucked up ever since that session with my mom.  No interest in sex or kissing or anything.  This is what happens when you fuck kids, truly.  All our ‘normality’ around sex is completely gone.  Shattered.  How could we possibly be normal around sex when all of our formative experiences around sex were against our will??

This is where the pedophiles really have skewed logic.  They think kids are sexual, and so they’re helping them be sexual.  The thing is though, if kids are sexual, they are sexual with other kids, not creepy old men.  Would these pedophiles want some man older than themselves being sexual with them??

I have no idea what kind of sexual person I would have been had these people not molested me when I was a child.  I wonder if I would have been promiscuous.  I wonder if I still would have been a virgin when I got married?  I dated my husband for 2 years before I lost my virginity to him. 

My husband is a really sweet, generous, kind man, and I am grateful every day to have met and married him.  However, I wonder if without my history of sex abuse, if I would have still married my husband.  The thing is, this year of marital therapy has taught me that I married the safest man on the planet, one who has almost no interest in sex.  I married a nice safe man that would never push me into having sex with him.  The flip side of that, of course, is that when I am interested in sex, I am shit out of luck.  Lucky for both of us, that session with my mom stirred up the trauma for me again, so I have no interest again either.  For now, our libidos match.

The ‘Praise G-d’ side of me says that maybe this did happen to me so that I would meet my soulmate and recognize him for the beautiful man that he is.  Maybe being abused led me to someone who is a rescuer, in the best sense of the word.  Maybe marrying a rescuer will help me become a rescuer too.

I am grateful to have met him.  Of course I am grateful.  But this is the reality of living with the miracle of love in my life.  I don’t know what normal sexuality looks like, and I sure as fuck don’t know what it feels like.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’m sorry you have gunk that gets in the way of kissing your sweetie, Butterfly. That sucks. May it transform. Maybe you and he are healing one another.

SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Butterfly,

You have already become a rescuer, in some sense of the word, just by virtue of writing about your experience. It inspired me to start my own blog about my experience. Already, I can feel that I’ve changed and grown because I’ve chosen to write. Thank you for doing what you do.

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

Dear Butterfly,

I know that you help me to heal and I consider you a miracle. Though I really wish that we had never met because you were never abused and didn’t have any of these reasons.

I’m sorry that the session with your mom has triggered you and made things worse. I think having that session was one of the bravest things ever. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Dear Kate and Chungyen – thank you so much for your kind words – they mean so much to me. – Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] into bed together, , when I described it to my therapist as ‘fucking it up’ for us, and when my voice became that of a little girl’s. Each and every one of these experiences was humiliating and […]

Pingback by Reason #324: The Fosters | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids




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