Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #222: Against my will

I told the therapist that I don’t feel like I will ever heal from the babysitter’s abuse unless I actually remember it.  I mean, come on, how can you heal from what you don’t remember?

She said that somewhere inside me I do remember it, but it might not be the kind of memory that I am considering ‘real’.  She said my body obviously remembers the trauma, and I might remember it in some sort of pre-verbal stage.  This would explain why I’ve been afraid all these years, why I put the covers over my head at night years before my brother ever touched me.  Why the night terrifies me.

I told her I have to remember it.  I need to know the details.

She said “You don’t need to know the details in order to heal.  You know everything you need to know already.”

I said “How do you mean?”

She said “Here’s what you know.  Something bad happened to you against your will when you were a child.”

That gave me pause for thought.  In a way, she is right.  This quest for memory is not helping me heal, and if I could heal just knowing what I already know, then that would certainly be the *right* path, right?  The quest for memory may also be fruitless, as my memory may never return.  I may never feel safe enough to regain what has been lost, in terms of my memory of what she did to me, to us.

I might never feel safe either way. That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  May we all find our safety and heal from our wounds.

9 Comments so far
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Hey Butterfly,
I think your therapist is on to something. I think if you ‘act as if’ you have enough information to heal, you may actually find it works, and you may get more information along the way. I had to do this too. If you had pre-verbal-age abuse, the kind of information you’re looking for might not even exist, even if you had complete recall.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hey Butterfly, I came across this blog by a Jewish woman survivor and she had some resources in her blogroll I thought you might like. Here’s the link:

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I agree with your logic about needing to know, and yet I also agree with your therapist. It’s possible both of you are right. I think we all make up our own truths in this world where perception is only as strong as your own ability to make sense of this weird, wild world called life.

Lately, I’ve been using “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron to heal. One of the things she says to do is write “Mourning pages” which helps you every morning, writing three pages of all the messed up stuff that ruins your day, as well as anything that comes into your mind, no matter how seemingly insignificant. She asks us to take care of our inner artists as if we are taking care of a child, and mentions she believes that artist abuse is like child abuse. I listen to her voice on cd while driving to and from work every day lately. It’s good therapy for me.

I think that you have inadvertently found a perfect way to write your “mourning pages” with this blog, and I want to read more each time I read anything from you. Thank you for sharing your heartaches and your wisdom.

Comment by sandma1half

Hi Warrior – Thank you for the link, and the kind words. I will check out her blog!

Sandra – thank you for your kind words – I feel the same way reading your blog.

Comment by butterflysblog

I have heard the same thing from others. They have had healing, even though they don’t remember. I met one survivor who told me she had all the aftereffects, but no memories, but was working on healing for several things. We kind of have a map of what happened by what problems we have.

I think you can also always learn new coping skills, work on self-esteem, and the aftereffects of being a sexually abused as a child and those things are the same as healing from specific memories.

You can talk in therapy about it happening, though you don’t know the specifics, I have done that, and found a lot of healing. I did that with the sexual assault that resulted in my becoming multiple. I was told by another insider that it happened and who, and I was a baby, so pre-verbal, but I don’t remember anything else except a few vague ideas of what happened. I still don’t have a flashback, but I do believe that there has been healing. So I have to agree with your therapist. I have done it myself.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate – thank you for sharing that. It’s interesting – it seems that all the survivors who have commented on this entry think that healing is possible without memory, which gives me hope. Thank you.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly, my name is Kerri and I am a 42yr old married mother of two, and I have just started reading your blogs in the last few days. I have avidly read all of them because I just couldn’t believe that I was reading so many thoughts that I have never been able to put into words. So many of your fears and body memories are very similar to what I experience on a daily basis also. And I too have enormous trouble even kissing my husband, let alone having sex which we haven’t done in a year, either. And to be honest, if it didn’t ever matter to him I think I could avoid all contact for many years to come. I too wonder will my body ever forget the fear I felt when being abused by my father. Because it’s like the fear I felt at the time, somehow fused with my very cells to form a permanent connection. And every time someone comes near me too closely my whole nervous system explodes in panic. I love how honest you are in your blog and hope to keep reading. I know you don’t know me yet, but I want to say thanks. Your blog has made me feel less alone in my fears.

Comment by kerri0002

Hi Kerri – I can totally relate, obviously, to what you are saying about how “it’s like the fear I felt at the time, somehow fused with my very cells to form a permanent connection. And every time someone comes near me too closely my whole nervous system explodes in panic.” Me too. May we both heal and find the joy that comes with healthy love and healthy touches.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] think about it a lot.  I wonder about the details.  The therapist says I know enough to heal, but I still wonder.  Did it start immediately?  Like as soon as my mom left?  Did we sense she […]

Pingback by Reason #232: My son asks for privacy « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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