Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #224: The babysitter in the room with me

I told the therapist that I have been trouble sleeping at night ever since that session with my mom.  I told her that it feels like the babysitter is in the room with us, constantly, and because of it, I am afraid.

The therapist said “Have you tried talking to her yet?”

My reaction to this question was almost violent, not to her, but within myself. I was suddenly terrified.  Petrified.  I started panicking, right there in the therapist’s office.  Tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I frantically looked around. (This right here is why you shouldn’t fuck kids, by the way.)

The therapist said “It’s okay, Butterfly, I’m right here.  It’s okay.”

I could hardly speak, and I finally got out these words ‘I – can’t talk to her.  She’s – she’s gonna hurt me.”

The therapist said “She’s been in the room with you now a month, ever since that session with your mom. If she wanted to hurt you, she would have done it already. ”

That brought me down from a panicked state into a thoughtful one.  And the more I thought about it, the more I felt she’s right.  The babysitter in the room with us – she’s been like a presence in the room with me.  But she hasn’t come near me, and she hasn’t tried to touch me or anything.

The therapist then said “What do you suppose she is hanging around for?  What would you say to her?  What do you think she wants to say to you?”

And G-d help me, my immediate thought was that she wants to apologize to me.  I’m not sure what to do with that, but the whole line of conversation was pretty helpful.  This therapist is all about embracing whatever’s happening.  Like how I’m so afraid to kiss my husband – she keeps telling me to embrace it, and hug the little girl inside for protecting me. 

If that babysitter is in the room with me, and she hasn’t hurt me  yet, then maybe she is there to help me figure some shit out.  I hate to use the word ‘help’ with this bitch, because honestly, all of my energy has gone into hating everything about her existence ever since I found out about her.  And if she is trying to apologize, then it’s hard to hate her.  It’s not that I forgive her, mind you, because I am certainly not there.  At all.  But an apology is certainly a different place than the one I am coming from, where I continue to ask myself if we were one of many children this woman molested.  If we were basically nameless fuck dolls that she used, if she even remembers us.  Or if we were a re-enactment of abuse she was experiencing at home. 

I wonder if she is trying to apologize, and I am open to at least hearing that apology, I wonder if I will continue to wonder about her and why/how/what she did to us on as regular a basis as I do now.

6 Comments so far
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Hi Butterfly,

Great insight from your therapist.

I’m glad that you are not as scared. That was a good thing to focus on, if she wanted to hurt, she would have done it already. You are feeling this now for a reason.

If she is seeking forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to feel whatever you are doing and do whatever you want to do. It doesn’t even mean that you have to listen. You have the power now. You can listen, you can forgive, that doesn’t take away what happened, but it can help to heal it.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Butterfly,
You describing her as being in the room, there to hurt you, is exactly how I experienced my ‘monsters’. I know how terrifying that is, and how hard it is to face down. For me, it was worth it. I got very useful information when I turned to look at the monster instead of turning and flinching away.

The forgiveness stuff is puzzling, but it must fit with the puzzle somehow, I’m guessing. I like your therapist’s attitude, being with what is.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Your blog is so wonderful. I feel like I may be understanding my mother’s experience a little more every time I read an entry. I keep putting off that project to post my mother’s book online because it takes a ton of effort, but after reading some more of your blog, I’m kind of motivated to pick it back up.

Comment by hushlittlebabybook

Hi Kate – I completely agree with you. As you know, I am not an enormous believer in forgiveness, although I can now see where there might be healing benefits from it (if that is where the survivor wants to go).

Hi Warrior – Thank you, as always, for the validation. It’s stupid, but just hearing “hey that happens to me too” makes me feel much less crazy.

Hi HushLittleBabyBook – I think it’s a very beautiful thing that you are doing to honor your mother. I also want to say – I imagine that your mother’s book is VERY painful to read and type out. It’s okay to stop when you need to, to continue when you need to, etc. This kind of stuff has the potential for vicariously traumatizing you, so it’s really okay to tread lightly. Also – please remember to be gentle with yourself through all of this.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly, it seems very important to you that you work out what this baby sitter’s motives were for her behaviour. Was she a heartless perpetrator who victimized you and countless others, or was she herself a victim unwittingly caught up in her own re-enactment of her own abuse. I know in my own circumstances I felt the need to understand my fathers abuse of me. And finding out that he had been severely abused as a child, and had many undiagnosed mental health disorders did clarify a lot. But it also took the wind out of my sails, because how can you hate someone who was so tortured as a child that life left him little recourse but to become the twisted broken adult he became. I will always hate what he did, nor forgive the fact that he never sought help even in his few moments of clarity, but I do pity the child he was who suffered horrendous abuse. So I feel many different ways about this one person. But I am lucky because I found answers about who he was and how he came to do the things he did. I hope somehow you can find peace in this struggle for your answers, because I am someone who is driven to find out these things also. Forgiveness is a totally different ball game though. I may get how my father got from A to B but forgiving him to me would somehow imply I’m O.K. with what he did, or that somehow I’ve put that behind me, and can move on. Like you, every single day of my life is different because of what he did. I can’t hug my husband the way other wives do, I can’t handle touch in general very well, I can’t walk my dogs because I’m afraid and Oh a billion other things are different and less because of him. So forgiveness, no, there I won’t be going for a long time, if ever. You are right, you should never fuck kids because it fucks up everything else.

Comment by kerri0002

Hi Kerri and Warrior – thank you for your thoughtful comments.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

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