Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #225: Unhealthy coping mechanisms
February 25, 2011, 4:27 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

In the not too distant future, the huz has to go on another business trip, so my mom will be staying with me when he goes away.  I am really really grateful that mom is coming to stay with me, since I am a complete panicked mess when alone at night.  This will be the first time Mom and I have seen each other since our together session.

My husband always tells me stories of how the other guys at work have these wives who are thrilled when they go on business trips.  I always tell him “Yeah.  You didn’t marry that kind of wife.  You married the kind that got fucked as a child, and now can’t stay by myself because I am all fucked up.”

Even though mom will be staying with me, I am stressed.  I am afraid.  And I am beating myself up for being afraid, even though the therapist told me not to.  This whole thing is so embarrassing, and even though Mom now knows some of the extent of it, I am always embarrassed when there are witnesses to my life of protracted panic.  Still though I would rather swallow my pride and have mom witness it than sit here alone and frightened for an extended period of time.

I had a bulimic episode last night, first time in a while.  I am sure it was stress related.  The force of it broke some blood vessels over my eye.  When I came to bed, the huz said “What happened to your eye!?!”  I looked at the floor and said “I threw up so hard it broke some blood vessels over my eye.”  I looked at him. He looked so scared about this news though.  I said “It’s okay, it’s happened before.”  But I couldn’t quite look him in the eye, because I was so embarrassed.  He put his arms around me, and hugged me for a long time. 

All of us fucked kids have some sort of coping mechanism for surviving abuse.  Mine happen to be panic and bulimia (and a whole host of other things, 224 other things so far, since this post is #225).  The truth is that there is no way a child can survive things that are antithetical to human survival – like abuse – without developing ways to live.  These are my ways.  This is how I am surviving child sexual abuse. That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


6 Comments so far
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Butterfly,

I think that if you would look back at all of your reasons you would also find 225 coping mechanisms that are good and healthy. I would suggest blogging, online friends, support, a relationship, reading other blogs, going to therapy, talking about therapy, being held, and sweetie there are so many others as well in your blog. I know you might not see this, but you are an incredbile strong woman.

However I realize that doesn’t take away the pain of the unhealthy stuff and it doesn’t take away the aftereffects of child sexual abuse, the reasons you shouldn’t fuck kids.

I’m sorry that he will be away and that it is causing you so much turmoil. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Kate – your words are so comforting, and timely. Thank you, dear friend.

Comment by butterflysblog

Good, I’m glad. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

I think that all coping patterns are adaptive at some point, it’s just that as time goes by we have better options of coping strategies to get the same results (calming down, dealing with feelings, beign safe, whatever.).

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Butterfly,

I can definitely relate to the food and the being left alone issue here. But you should know that you are definitely not alone, even when you are. There are many, many people who care about and only wish the best for you. I believe in you and your capacity to heal.

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

Chungyen – what a lovely thing to say. Thank you so much. – Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog




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