Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #235: My marriage might be over

My husband recently told me some game-changing news about himself that directly affects our marriage.  While I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with the world yet, I am so affected by it that I have to talk about its impact on me, and this blog is the natural place to do that.

My marriage might be over.  I’m not sure.  Saying the words did not kill me, though it is certainly absolutely horrible.  Saying the ‘incest’ word didn’t kill me either.  None of it has killed me yet, I suppose.  Most of it has made me wish I were dead on many, many occasions though.

I don’t know if our marriage can survive this latest blow. We love each other so much, but I wonder if I am about to prove, yet again in my life, that love is not enough to save something that cannot be saved.  I proved this with my first girlfriend too.

I married this wonderful sweet man almost 7 years ago, and much of the reason that I allowed myself to love him is because he was willing to wait as long as we needed to wait for me to be comfortable enough to have sex with him.  I was terrified of penis.  He made me a lot less afraid of it, and the men to whom penises are attached.  Maybe it was intimacy I was also afraid of, and still am.

I kind of feel like I am in Chapter 2 of Portia Nelson’s autobiography (which I will post below so you can see.)  I am in the same hole again, but I know where I am.  I am not sure what to do with that knowledge though, or how to get out of the hole I am in.

It is not my fault that my marriage is falling apart at the seams.  What is my fault, however, is getting into this marriage in the first place.  For falling in love.  For trusting that this time it would work out for me.  For thinking, for even one fucking second, that being a fucked kid didn’t have everything to do with every decision I make.  Even now, in the midst of possibly ending this marriage, my heart panics loudly at the idea of trying to go it alone.  Of the nights.  Of picking up the pieces from yet another thing I have failed at in my stupid life. Frightening even to write the words.

Every decision I make is a direct result of three molesters who took advantage of my body when I was a pre-schooler, a child, and a teenager.  Every action is weighed in terms of safety.  Surviving incest and child sexual abuse has impacted every single part of my life, from the color underwear that I choose to wear to the person that I married.  It’s living proof of Newton’s 3rd law, that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I’m lost. . . I’m helpless
It isn’t my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I fall in again
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in. . . it’s a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5
I walk down another street


16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Words fail me. I’m so sorry.

I really, truly hope that you and your husband can find a way through this together.

Please take care

Pandora x

Comment by Pandora

I also hope you can find a way through it. Relationships are difficult.

I sort of get the sense you could let it go and be okay though. I sometimes wonder if survivors aren’t better at letting things like that go.

Comment by Sam

I’m so sorry Butterfly. Please remember that not being married doesn’t mean you have to live alone without another adult. I know that is a big concern for you. I live in a house with the owner. She is here a lot of the time. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

I’m so sorry. I know I don’t have too much of an ability to comment since I haven’t been around that long (well, commenting, that is), but I know that whatever happens you can get through it. This blog is a testament to that.

Safe and healing thoughts.

Comment by Professional Widow

I’m so sorry. I just wanted to let you know I am reading and thinking of you.
Jenny

Comment by artconstellation

Hi Kate – you make a good point, actually. Thank you. You are always so sensible, sweet Kate.

Sam, Pandora, Professional Widow, and Jenny – thank you so much for the kind words and healing thoughts. They mean so much to me right now.

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such distress. Just remember to breathe otherwise your anxiety will spiral out of control. Take one minute at a time. You don’t have to rush into any decisions. Sit with whatever your husband has told you for a week or two because your response to it will change with each days new perspective. Remember relationships are messy and there is no right or wrong way to be in them, just what works for you overall. You are truly in my thoughts. Keep breathing and know no matter what you’ve survived worse things in your life, and whilst they weren’t pleasant you always survived, and if change is what’s needed here, you will survive it too. Change is never enjoyable for people like us who need constancy, but sometimes it brings things we never imagined. Good Luck.

Comment by kerri0002

Hi Kerri – thank you for your words of wisdom; I so appreciate it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly,

I really, truly believe that you have the strength and the courage to make it through whatever will happen in the future. If you don’t believe in your own strength, all you have to do is look at this blog. You have done for three years what so many of us are completely unable to– speak out about our experiences. You can do this! I know you can.

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

Hi Chungyen – thank you for your kind words – I appreciate it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Butterfly,
I’m so sorry. I know you have the strength to face whatever truths you need to. Feel free to email or call if you need to talk. (you know what time zone I’m in…)
hugs,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

hi butterfly,

i am really sorry things are hard right now.
i dont know what else to say, but im thinking about you.
peace.

Comment by LooneyTunes

Sweet LT – thank you for your kind words. I am thinking about you too.

Warrior – Thank you for your encouragement. I will borrow your belief in me and find my own inner Warrior.

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi, Butterfly–

I’ve been reading your blog for about a year, now. It was immediately clear to me from your writing here how strong, insightful, and determined you are, and I’ve often wished I were wise or skilled enough to offer the support that someone like you so deeply deserves. So– there’s not a lot of wisdom or solace I have to offer you on this point, but I wanted to let you know that you really kick ass. You. REALLY. Kick. Ass. I want someone exactly like you on my hypothetical team of lady bank-robbers-and-benevolent-world-dictators. No, really.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that today brings you at least a flash of some small, unexpected joy. (I’m sending you a mental package of hummingbirds, quirky bubble-blowing apparatuses (sp?), and scones. Mental scones for the win!)

Comment by pajanguin

Hi Pajanguin – thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] Reason #235: My marriage might be over […]

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