Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #236: My Husband

In my last post, I said that my husband had some game-changing news, but I was unable to say what it was because it was too painful.  Well, here it is.  My husband said that he thinks he is a female in a male’s body.  He is thinking about actually becoming a woman, through surgical means.  At the very least, he is probably going to live as a woman for a while. 

I know.  It’s shocking.  Take a minute.  It’s been some time for me, and I’m still somewhat shocked.

Anyway, back to me… This revelation on his part is problematic for me because I know that I am mostly heterosexual.  I spent some time in gay relationships, and even though I loved my first girlfriend very much, we proved that love was not enough to save a doomed relationship.  I spent much of our sex life pretending and fantasizing that she was a man just to get through the sex.  I was VERY afraid of penis, and my girlfriends were very masculine women and I loved them.  But unfortunately, I am not gay, and I proved it. And if my husband does become a woman, I just don’t think I will be attracted to him in that way anymore.  I mean, I can’t say for certain, because you never know, but I don’t think I will be.

There’s a saying in Judaism that it is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.  I keep cursing my own survivorhood that brought me to this marriage, brought me to this place in my life.  I don’t know how to find the light in this, and I keep desperately trying.  I suppose that is the dark truth about desperation.  It is nearly impossible to find the light when you are desperate. 

Truly, I hate myself through all of this, even though I kind of understand that it’s not my fault.  The thing is, I of course would marry a man so safe that he is actually a woman!  I was so afraid of penis, and here was a guy willing to wait the TWO YEARS of dating that it took for us to be able to fuck each other.  Now I understand that he just wasn’t all that interested in sex, and he wasn’t interested in it because he didn’t really feel comfortable with his penis.

I was pretty mad at him at first, when he told me about being a woman.  I did all the standard “Why did you ask me to marry you” and “How could you not know” questions.  But in the end, I realized that this is a process for him, and he just didn’t know.  He just didn’t understand why he felt so different, and he feels more at peace now that he understands more of who he is.

Every night since all this started, I have been awake while my husband sleeps.  I sit there in bed, in the dark, and think about all this stuff.  I don’t really understand how to be in bed with him anymore, and also how not to be in bed with him anymore.

In our latest marital therapy session, I told the therapist I want us to stop working on trying to fuck each other.  I explained that when I decided to get into this relationship with my husband, I made a pact with myself that I would not just be a body in this relationship.  This time would be different, I decided, because I would allow both my body and my heart to be involved.  So many times in the past, I was only sexual with people because it was just my body, not my heart.  The way it was with my brother where I would dissociate completely from my body, and he would do shit to my body, but I wouldn’t really be there for it, and so it was okay to survive it.  I would recreate that situation again and again in my life with each new lover, and I just didn’t want that with my husband.  (By the way, that shit about just being a body in sexual situations, and recreating unhealthy situations – that right there is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  I would put money on the fact that almost all of us fucked kids do this.  And I’d be rich if I did.)

Anyway, the therapist understood, and we agreed that we aren’t sure where to take this from here on.  We originally got into marital therapy because we weren’t fucking each other, and I wanted us to.  Now we’re still not fucking each other, but I can’t fuck him unless I am sure our marriage is going to last.  If he actually becomes a woman, I am fairly certain that I cannot continue in this asexual marriage.  And I feel terrible about that, because I feel like I am abandoning him in the middle of such a difficult time.  (Although, we have both acknowledged that we will probably hopefully always be best friends, since we love each other and respect each other so much.)

In our latest marital therapy session, we both acknowledged that our marriage might be over.  My husband, in tears, said “I am sorry that I could not be the husband you need and deserve.” I told him that I wouldn’t take away a minute of falling in love with him, as it was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me.  At this point, the therapist started to cry.  After the session was over, I told my husband that it’s never a good sign when the therapist cries over your failed marriage issues.  We laughed through tears about that.

I married the safest man alive – a man so safe that he is actually a woman in a man’s body, apparently- and I did that because of my history of sexual abuse.   This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


25 Comments so far
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Sweet heart,

I am so sorry. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Random person here who somehow stumbled upon this entry. My heart absolutely breaks reading this, and I wanted to express my support to you. You words are

I wanted to at least say you aren’t alone.

Dani

Comment by agentdanni

Hi. Thank you for being so strong and brave and writing about this in an open and honest way. I am sorry that this is all so painful; I really appreciate and admire you for your honesty though.

As I was reading what you wrote and thinking how grateful I was to read your brave words about the pain you are in- I did have one thought I wanted to mention and that is this: Recently my therapist said to me: There has been enough fucking. And I just keep thinking about that. He is so right: There has been enough fucking. I hope it is ok that I am writing that here- I am not trying to advise or anything- just share a thought that helped me a lot.

Thank you again for sharing your pain here. My very best thoughts to you.

Jenny

Comment by artconstellation

Butterfly,

I don’t think that this is the end of anything– if anything, your marriage has proven that you are absolutely capable of love and definitely not “damaged goods” or beyond hope. You have the capacity to love another person, and you have the capacity to receive love. You have made that true– there are people in your life and many readers of this blog who genuinely care about and love you.

This also isn’t necessarily the total end of your relationship with your husband– it sounds like you both care quite a lot about each other. I don’t think you will lose the support and kindness that he has given you– the relationship will just change into something different.

It will get better! I know it will.

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

[…] Reason #236: My Husband […]

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Hi Butterfly,
I’m so sorry. You don’t have to feel guilty about not wanting to be with a partner that has changed the format of your relationship so radically. I love my wife, but if she needed to define herself as male we would divorce and be friends instead

Hopefully the two of you can find a way to continue to support one another if that makes sense.

Maybe lighting the candle is figuring out how to have faith that your G-d will guide you to what is best for you to do for yourself and your son. Maybe this is G-d’s way of letting you know you are ready to be more independent in your life than you have been. My experience is sometimes these kinds of lessons are accompanied by a hard kick in the rump, but they don’t necessarily turn out badly.

Sending you a virtual hug,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

What Chungyen said!

Comment by Sam

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I jus started reading your blog and came across this, a little late unfortunately, so I really don’t feel I know enough about the dynamic of your relationship with your husband to offer much advice there. I mean, of course only you and your husband know where to go from here, and none of us could answer that for you. But I especially don’t want to go there since I am in the dark.

But what I do want to say, is that through reading that post, I was struck by what a very beautiful person you are. I found it so saddening when you talked about hating yourself, of blaming yourself, when the whole time reading it I was touched by what a woman you are. A very kind, accepting,
loving woman, who is completely open to her husband’s new gender identification and the process he is going through. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how many women dealing with this would be disgusted, repulsed, embarrassed, not even want to be in the same room with him?

But not you. You are still standing by him, still love him, and you seem so willing to want to work things out. As I said before, I have no advice for how to deal with this and your marriage. I hope with all
my heart you both come to a good place together. But please reread your post, and look at your behaviour and words during this process, and realize what a very special and rare person you are. You are a shining light, and I would hate to see you darken yourself. Maybe that will help you light your candle.

Take good care.

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