Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #237: Another migraine

I have had a migraine all day.  I woke up with it at 5AM.  No amount of Tylenol or Advil has taken it away yet.  I have tried migraine medicines in the past, but haven’t had any luck with them.

This isn’t my first post on migraines. That’s because it’s not my first migraine. I’ve been getting migraines since the first time my brother looked at me and touched me inappropriately.  Since I first laid on that couch, that fucking orange couch, and he used my body while I pretended I wasn’t there.  It wasn’t the first time my body had been used against my will, but I guess it was the first time that resulted in head pain.  Ever since then, whenever things get stressful for me, my head hurts so badly.  

Life is painful right now, and my headache is just my mind’s way of trying to cope with that stress.  When I was a little girl and I had these migraines, I would cry and cry from the pain.  My mom tried to comfort me, but she was so bewildered by it all.  Why would a child so young get migraines?  I knew that my crying was upsetting her soul, but I couldn’t stop, because it hurt so bad.  I also knew that crying was making the migraine itself worse, but I couldn’t stop crying anyway.

Even after I told my mom what my brother was doing to me, the migraines continued.  It’s like my body figured out that this is a sure way to handle emotional pain, by transferring it into a physical one.

Things with my husband are so painful right now.  I love him so much, and he loves me so much.  I hate this in-between stage we are in, where we don’t know if our marriage is going to continue or not.  I wish I could be attracted to him when he is dressed as a woman, and not be freaked out when he removes all the hair off of his body.  I told the therapist “I hate myself for my reaction to this.  I wish I could just embrace and accept this. ”  She had to explain to me that I have embraced and accepted this, but no amount of accepting it will turn me from a heterosexual into a homosexual.  She had to explain this to me because I have no concept of healthy sexuality, or even of myself as person who is allowed to be a certain sexuality.

I am 37 now.  It’s been 30 years of migraines.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

6 Comments so far
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Your life is brilliant with many, amazing people that flock to you in your time of need. How lucky I think your husband must be to have been nurtured by you. You have shown someone how deep and all-encompassing your love is, just by example. And s/he was able to realize something about his/her own identity, something that was hidden deep by the safety net of your love, Butterfly… This is truly rare and amazing. And s/he is still very lucky to have someone who would consider continuing on in this relationship.

The migraines, I’m sorry to hear about them. Have you found any kind of meditation to be helpful for this?

I can understand how scary this transformation must be for you. It reminds me of what it’s like to have a personality disorder like schizophrenia, and how hard it is on others to understand that your whole identity has been strung together by a series of moments where you were literally barely able to keep yourself organized and coherent. There are so many moments of humility having a personality disorder, so many times we wish we could take back and make better. At some points, I don’t even know whether or not I’ll be able to figure out who I am again. The number of kindnesses you have shown in this blog every time you share something so intimate boggles my mind, and I am blown away by your sincerity.

Thank you again, Butterfly. I hope to hear you are feeling better soon.

Comment by sandma1half

Dear Butterfly,

I’m so sorry that you are having a migraine. I was reading a blog entry by someone with gluten intolerance who said that corn allergy can cause migraine. I can get an almost immediate headache from drinking a really cold pop, with high fructose corn syrup in it.

Not sure if that could help at all. I always want to help. I’m sorry your life is so painful right now. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I agree with your therapist. You have a total right to be attracted to what you are attracted to (within reason…), and turned off by what turns you off, with no need to feel bad about it. Even if you were bisexual, you still might not be attracted to male-shaped bodies with no hair and female behaviour, anyhow. I’m gay and it wouldn’t do anything for me.

Do you have health coverage for massage or something else that might nurture your body and reduce the stress? I have a back massager thing that I use when I’m stressed that prevents headaches. I know migraines are more complex than that, but if you think they’re about stress, then anything you can do to manage stress might help.

Support to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Stomachaches; that’s what happened to me then, that’s what happens to me now when things get stressful.

Comment by presentlyhuman

I get the headaches too. I never connected them to the abuse until I was about 36 years old.

I admire your awareness. I sort of think your husband is very lucky to have such an understanding partner. I agree that it’s your needs you should worry about. Figuring out what they are is not so easy.

I picture you having a very healthy relationship with him regardless of what happens. If it turns into a friendship, I think that will be okay for you.

Comment by Sam

[…] 5:30AM, with a migraine.  I first wrote about my migraines here, and then they came back strong after my husband discovered she was transgendered.  The ex and I have worked out a shower schedule where she will shower first and thus I can wake […]

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