Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #238: The movie Twins

Did you guys ever see the movie “Twins”, where Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito play twin brothers?  There’s a scene in there that I have always liked.  DeVito plays a guy who was raised in an orphanage and went into a life of crime.  Schwarzenegger plays a guy who was raised on a beautiful island with a lot of love, and so he is overflowing with love to give.

In the movie, they meet up with the doctor who is responsible for their life paths until that point.  The doctor said that they put everything good into Schwarzenegger, and all the crap that was leftover produced DeVito.  Schwarzenegger punched the doctor, and when he looks back at DeVito, he sees that DeVito is completely broken by what the doctor told him.  So Schwarzenegger puts his arm around him and ever so gently leads him out of that terrible room.

I wonder what would have happened if someone had punched out that babysitter and then put their arms around my brother and I, and led us out of that terrible room where terrible things happened to us.  I wonder – if someone had fucking acknowledged what had happened to us so early on in our lives, and and gave us some therapeutic intervention – would my brother still have molested me in years to come?  Would I have still become so fucked up around sex that I was completely afraid of men?  Would I have ended up in a doomed marriage with the safest man alive?

My husband and I have been talking every day about the enormous elephant in the room with us.  Every day we hold each other so tight, because somewhere deep inside us, I think maybe we both realize we are going to eventually lose each other.  Already the marriage has changed so much; it is hardly recognizable anymore.

This sweet man gentled me into this marriage, and he is gentling me out of it too, I think.  Last night, he held me for such a long time as I cried into his shoulder.  He cried too.  I am crying as I type this.

At our wedding, my mom read this beautiful verse about how there is a season for everything, a time to weep, a time to dance, a time to heal, etc.  This is our season of sadness, of loss, of learning who we really are and honoring our true selves.

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There’s an excellent movie very similar to this called “Kids Return”– although, it is a little different in that there’s no purposeful doctor and it is more of an existential kind of “forked road”.

I have often thought things like this– if my body, for example, was not constantly trying to destroy itself (I have some serious problems with allergies/my skin), would I be happier? Or, if I wasn’t fucked as a kid, would I be able to have healthier and more “normal” relationships with other people?

I don’t think that there is anything wrong with thinking this things sometimes…but we have to be careful not to let it overwhelm us. Sometimes I am furious that so many different systems of social support (family, friends, school, police) failed me when I most needed it– but those moments are now in the past. There are so many people I can blame in the past, but in the end I can only change what is happening right now.

We are who we are because of what we have been through, good or bad; without those experiences, we would be totally different. Because we have been through (and continue to go through) this, we have learned different ways of being strong– ways that come from the heart and not other shallow places. In a movie, there is that one person who can come to the rescue, but it isn’t like that in real life. But maybe that one person is inside of you already.


Comment by TreatInfamy

It brings up the whole issue of nature vs. nurture. The doctor was claiming he was bad because of genetics, nature. But obviously his childhood experiences were awful, at best, without a family of his own, without his brother, his twin. You are right, nurture goes a long way to make things better. I wish that you had had someone to object at your abuse, who took you away from it and comforted and loved you.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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