Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #239: Deep Dark Places
May 14, 2011, 12:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last night I was in a deep dark place, emotionally.  My husband was out at a meeting for transgendered people, and he went there dressed as a woman.  I sat home, alone, contemplating my life and how I got here, and where I am to go in the future.

I came to think about G-d.  It was one of those times where I thought that if there is a G-d, He is mean.  He knew about that babysitter and totally let her come into our lives, and fuck my brother and I when we were vulnerable.  She is the reason that while I was sitting there alone last night while my husband gallivanted around with other men dressed as women, that I was able to be here not only alone, but also afraid.  I have been afraid of the night ever since she came into our life.

G-d also knew about my husband being a woman inside when I married him.  G-d knew, but I didn’t know.  I feel betrayed by G-d, and also by my own lack of intuition that allowed me to be in this place – married to a man who is a woman inside.

It is not the first time I have been in a dark place.  I cried pretty much the whole night, and after my husband got home, I wanted to be supportive of him, because even though this is all so hard for me, it is also terrible for him.  He did not choose this, he wouldn’t want this, and he can’t change it.  He certainly wouldn’t want to lose his wife and the rest of the life he built, and this speaks to the depth of the need inside him to be his true authentic self. So, here he is going through this enormously difficult thing, and I wanted to be supportive of him.  Instead, I failed miserably, cried with him, and told him I wish I were dead and that I don’t want to see what life has in store for me anymore.

It is not the first time I have wished for death, which is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  The experience of surviving child sexual abuse makes us actually want to die many more times in our life.  That death is on you. I began thinking about death when I was 12, and got real serious about it when I was 19. Now, I am a mother, so I would not take my own life.  I may be sad, but I am not that selfish.  I have seen what happens to children when they don’t have a proper mother here on this Earth.

I talked to my Aunt about the fact that I had no premonition or intution or bad feelings when I was getting married, and how betrayed I feel by that.  She said that maybe I had no intuition about it because if I had a bad feeling about it, I wouldn’t have gotten married to him and had this baby.  She said maybe I was meant to get married to him and have this baby.  She said maybe we were meant to be in each other’s life in this way, and that had G-d warned me about it beforehand, I wouldn’t have fulfilled my destiny.  That made me feel a little better about it, a little less betrayed.

But I was still in a dark place, emotionally, when my husband got home.  He held me as I cried, and told me that even though our marriage was ending, that we would never have to be truly alone because we’d always have best friends in each other.  I found that to be comforting.  He also said “You know, I always comfort myself with something that you told me once.”

I said “Yeah?  What’s that?”  He said, “You told me that the Universe will take care of us, in spite of ourselves.”  We both laughed a little about that.

I woke up today feeling a little better than when I went to sleep.  I can see the dark place from where I am, but I am not down in it this morning.  He’s going to another meeting tonight, so I invited a female friend over to be with me tonight.

3 Comments so far
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Oh, Butterfly.. I am so, so sorry all of this is happening. I think your aunt has a really great way of looking at things, she makes a very good point. Although I’m short on words lately, I just want to say that I’m thinking about you and wishing you the best. Please hang on, things will turn out the way they should and you will be okay. Lean on those around you for support, reach out here, anything to keep you from staying in that dark place. It is so lonely there..

With love,

Comment by When The Lights Die...

“the Universe will take care of us, in spite of ourselves.” I like that. I believe it too. It’s okay to be mad at G-d. He can handle it and I’m sure he gets it.

Blessings to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I’m so sorry you were in such a dark place. I think that he doesn’t deserve your friendship, but I hope that he labors to become the sort of trusting friend who does.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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