Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #240: Feelings of Betrayal

Last night, I had a dream that my husband and my father were in cahoots with each other, and in the dream they both betrayed me.  I am sure it is just me working out my feelings of betrayal as my husband continues the process of becoming a woman, and I continue to process the end of my marriage to this sweet man.

My father is an obvious representation of betrayal.  Literally, he did betray me by touching me and looking at me in a way that no father should be looking at their daughter.  And a hundred other betrayals by him as well.

My husband’s a different story. I don’t feel like I ‘have the right’ to feel betrayed by my husband.  I mean, he really did not choose this.  He is this, and he cannot help who he is.  I guess my feelings of betrayal stem from him asking me to marry me in the first place, and from hiding his cross-dressing activities from me before we got married.  And, if I am being honest with myself, I feel betrayed by him for putting me in this situation, where I am now going to be a divorced woman back in the dating pool.  My G-d.

The same problems I brought with me into this marriage are the same ones I will bring into another marriage.  I keep asking myself, “What man could possibly ever want me now?”  I know, I know.  That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, as Stuart Smalley used to say on Saturday Night Live.

Then I worry about bringing another man into my son’s life.  Did you know that the highest risk of child sexual abuse is the presence of a step-father in a child’s home?  Well, I do, and that fact alone is enough to terrify me about dating some new guy.  Or at least from bringing someone into my precious son’s life. 

Today’s theme is betrayal, and it’s not the first time I have written about betrayal in this blog.  It’s in my life, in my dreams, in my past, and apparently, in my present.

3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

You’re grieving right now. Anger is part of grief. It’s okay and normal. Go with it, and be gentle with yourself. You will feel better after it has run it’s course. It’s okay to grieve a marriage that is dying and a relationship that is irrevocably changing.

blessings to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I think your level of awareness puts you at an advantage for protecting your son. There are signs. You will most likely be hyper vigilant and have to avoid constantly looking for them. I’ll bet you run for the hills at the first sign of them.

I like how you describe the betrayal of your life partner. I wonder how much betrayal was going on in his own mind. As in, how much was he betraying himself by betraying you? The fact that he felt safe enough to ever go through with what he wants is probably a testament to you and how safe you made him feel.

It sure sucks that you are the one who gets hurt.

I’d say don’t even worry about dating. Just focus on you and your son and whatever else life throws your way. Love has a strange way of finding a person. And for you? Love must involve a sense of safety.

Comment by Sam

Hi Butterfly,

I believe your feelings of betrayal and anger are perfectly normal. Yes you have a right to feel whatever you are feeling about your husband. And yes he owed you his honesty about his own issues and he owed you the right to make up your mind about whether or not you wanted to commit to him based on what he was doing and what he was avoiding in his own life path.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend some told me there are a lot of fish in the sea. I couldn’t have cared less. My trust had been betrayed. I had been abused, badly, in our relationship. It took me a long time to date again.

If you date right away or wait a while, that is okay, it is okay to take things at your own pace. You don’t have to go out there right away. You get to decide. This is your life. And I’m sure that there are many people who could love you. You are a lovable woman.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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