Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #242: Comparing myself to others

I have a cousin who is almost the same age as me.  We were always pretty close to each other until puberty hit and then we got kind of distant, probably because I was afraid of males.  But we always kept that childhood bond anyway.

I don’t think he’s ever been competitive with me, but I have always compared myself to him.  It’s a competition I was never going to win.  He grew up with money, white male privilege, two parents that loved him and were involved in his life, no weight problems, and he was never abused.  My parents divorced each other twice, some of the time we were on welfare, I started getting fat after my brother started abusing me, and I grew up traumatized because three different people used my body as their own personal plaything. 

In other words, it’s a competition I was never going to win.  Everyone does this, I am sure.  Everyone compares themselves to others and loses.  I was once maid of honor in a wedding at a time when I was pretty sure I would never get married, and I was comparing myself like crazy to my thin pretty best friend who had no fear of sex.  Up until I met my husband, I was terrified of penis.  I was never gonna get married, as far as I knew.

During that time in my life, a wise therapist said “You are never going to win when you compare yourself to others.  You are comparing their outsides – the best of what you know about what they are willing to show you – with your insides, the worst of what you know to be true about yourself.  It’s a competition you can never possibly win.”

So last night I told my cousin that I am getting a divorce.  And that my husband is going to be a woman. And instantly, I was transported back to all the other times in my life where I felt lesser than my cousin.  My cousin’s marriage is going strong, and mine is failing.  His wife is going to stay a woman and my husband is going to become a woman.  He is fucking his wife, I am sure, and my husband and I haven’t fucked in years now.

I felt like the same old Butterfly; poor abused Butterfly from the wrong side of the tracks.  Poor fucked Butterfly.  I hate that feeling, and it fucked me up last night.  It wasn’t anything he did or said, it was me; it was all shit I brought with me to that conversation.  I had been congratulating myself on the fact that it had been my fourth day of not crying, after two months of crying daily since I found out about my husband.  But then I told my cousin about us, felt like shit, and spent the rest of the night sad.

Everyone compares themselves to others, so this in itself would not be a reason not to fuck kids.  But fucked kids know intimately that something is very wrong with us.  We continually think that there must be something inherently wrong with us, either because they picked us to fuck us, or because after the abuse happens, we truly are changed people after that.  We are damaged to a point that makes our former selves almost unrecognizable.  Thus, after being abused, every time we compare ourselves to others, we are always for sure going to lose, because our very soul is damaged from what has happened to us. 

Telling my cousin I am getting divorced and instantly being transported back to feeling like a fucked kid. That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


7 Comments so far
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Hugs to you, Butterfly. Ouch, been there. My cousins are all rich and status conscious. But you know, I had a neat thing happen last summer. My one cousin who was all successful quit her job to take better care of her kids. When she told me, I think she thought I’d have a judgement about it, since a lot of our other relatives would. I told her her decision made sense to me, and if it made her happy, that was success better than any money.

You’re grieving now, Butterfly, of course you feel like crap. I believe in you, and hope for you that this is G-d’s way of clearing things out so you can have a better life.

hugs,
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I’m sorry you felt like this and go through this. Yes I compare, but I am trying not to. It is a struggle. I’m sorry about this, because I know how depressing it can be and how hard it is to overcome this habit.

I even compare myself to myself, at different times in my life, am I getting better healthwise, weightwise, financially, intellectually or not? Which always leads to a downer, because there is always a time I was doing a lot better. I try to compare it to last year, as that usually makes things seem better by comparison. But when I compare it to how healed I am, the answer is always positive. I am more healed today than yesterday, that is a positive I always try to grasp and hang onto.

I think that what the therapist told you is true. Except I would add one thing that is true about survivors and probably true about everyone out there, we just don’t realize it. What you see on the outside of others, that they share and that you can intuitively discern will always win over what you see, believe and think about yourself because abuse trains us to believe the worst about ourselves.

You are, quite simply, one of the most fantastic women out there in the world. I know based on what you have shared and what I can discern and that is a lot. You are, quite simply, fantastic and it is an honor to know you and to be a part of your life and your healing.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Dear Kate and Warrior – I can’t even tell you how wonderful it feels to have friends like you both. Your support and encouragement mean the world to me; they are true pick-me-up when I am down. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough for what you mean to me. Thank you.

Comment by butterflysblog

You’re welcome. The feeling is mutual, my friend.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Butterfly,

First of all, I wanted to give you a little warning that I got into a small internet argument on an online forum about sexual abuse/rape and some people may or may not come your way, since I’ve linked your site from mine. I don’t think it should be that big of a problem– most of the people there are pretty nice– just wanted to give you a heads up. Also, I was wondering if you had any advice about taking on opposition and people who are just totally, willfully ignorant/selfish about these issues. Have you encountered abusive comments/reactions to your blog before?

Secondly– and I know I’ve said this before– you would not be the same amazing, incredibly strong and brave person that you are if you had not gone through so much. I have to agree with that therapist– there’s no way we could ever win if all we did was compare ourselves to others.

Thirdly– and I told a friend this recently– the fact is that “normal” or “perfect” is all one big illusion. Just look at these statistics: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/index.shtml

1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually abused. 10% of us are not heterosexual. Yesterday, I read that 15% of American children today have a developmental disorder. And we all know that as we age, our bodies are going to get a little creaky and we’ll all become disabled in some way. So being “different” or having “problems” is not something to be ashamed of. It’s not something that is “wrong” with us. The human race is much more diverse and fractured than we’d like to think. Who knows? Maybe your cousin has some of his own problems, too.

Much love,
Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

Hi Chungyen,

Thank you for your positive supportive comments. I have received some disgusting comments early on in this blog, so I put the comments on moderated status, and also made it that only people who have blogs can comment. When I go online to certain forums though and I see idiocy around the issue of incest/child sexual abuse, I get pretty angry. I try to think about it as a teachable moment for the people saying stupid things, but honestly, I believe that some people are just bad energy people. They do not want to be educated, and do not want to be humane. Recognizing that has not removed the pain each time I encounter it.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] It was like this whole weekend highlighted my fatness and her thinness. I spent the whole weekend comparing myself to her, and it was such a stupid thing to do.  No one is ever going to win that type of competition. But […]

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