Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #244: Breaking the Secret

The hard truth about secrets is that when you are keeping the secret, it has 100% power over you.  Once you free yourself of the secret, the weight of the world has been lifted off of you.  It no longer has power over you.  However, I think that freedom only really comes when you are the one who chooses to break the secret, not when it is broken for you. 

So, my husband’s cousin came over last night.  If you remember, last time she came over, it was an elephant in the room with us.  My husband couldn’t tell her he is becoming a woman.  He wasn’t ready, although I was.  His cousin and I are good friends, and it has been killing me when we get together that I have to act like my life is okay, when it is the farthest thing from it.

My husband told her last night.  He freed himself from his secret, and in doing so, he freed me from mine as well.  An enormous weight was lifted off of us both.  The air around us was lighter last night, and we both slept well for the first time in months.

After my husband told her, he left us alone to talk.  I came clean to his cousin about everything.  My past gay relationships, and my history of child sexual abuse and incest.  I didn’t tell her details, but I did tell her that I am a survivor of child sex abuse, and that my husband was the first one that I trusted enough to have sex with, and that it took us two years to even get there.  I told her that now I understand why it took us two years, and that I think he was able to successfully hide his own issues behind my enormous sex abuse issues. 

She listened to everything we said last night and then she called us this morning to make sure that both he and I are okay. 

My mom once told me “Don’t share your pain with fools.”  What she meant by that was that when you are going to share your pain with someone, choose that person very wisely, because you don’t want to share your pain with someone who ends up hurting you with it.  Thank G-d, we shared our pain wisely, with a caring soul who loves us unconditionally.

 This past weekend, I was in such a black hole of despair.  My husband was dressed as a woman on the transgender float at the gay pride parade and I was at home taking care of our child.  I am still sad about where my life is right now, but shit, it sure feels better to have the secret out there with someone here in my real life that I can share the pain with.

I have said this many times before, but it bears repeating.  When one of us breaks the secret, it gives courage to the rest of us to break ours as well.  And once the secret has been broken, we all become a bit more free.

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For some reason this post reminded me of a Carl Sandburg poem (and I think of it every time I look at your blog site picture:

by Carl Sandburg

Pile the bodies high at Austerlitz and Waterloo.
Shovel them under and let me work –

I am the grass; I cover all.

And pile them high at Gettysburg
And pile them high at Ypres and Verdun.
Shovel them under and let me work.
Two years, ten years, and passengers ask the conductor:

What place is this?
Where are we now?

I am the grass.
Let me work.

I’ve always thought that this poem emphasized two seemingly contradictory things.
1. the need to remember past traumas because it is only in that way we can keep them from destroying us. In the poem it is war but I think it applies to other things too.
2. that the grass will eventually work. the scars in the earth heal though that same earth will remain changed.

take care butterfly

Comment by ardornatadesign

Hi Ardornata,

What a beautiful poem, thank you so much for sharing. You know, when I read this poem, it makes me think about how grass covers a multitude of secrets, like wars that kill soldiers at Gettysburg. Even now, we put rolls of grass on top of garbage dumps, and later on, we build houses on these sites. Then people get cancer, and have no idea they were living on toxic ground. The grass does a good job of hiding things.

May we never have to hide, from ourselves or anyone else.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Coming out reduces shame, so I’m glad you were able to and that it went well. Hugs to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Dear Butterfly,

I’m glad that you have someone who cares for you both unconditionally. And that the secret has been told and that it has had such a positive effect so quickly, being able to sleep should not ever be unestimated, so glad that you could.

You are right, it makes us all a little freer. Good and healing thoughts to you and your little family.


Comment by kate1975

[…] Reason #244: Breaking the Secret […]

Pingback by Reason #245: Don’t Share Your Pain with Fools « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

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