Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #245: Don’t Share Your Pain with Fools
June 10, 2011, 1:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

In my last post, I talked about how freeing it was to share my pain with someone who received our secrets with love and understanding. 

Feeling emboldened by the freeing of our secret, I decided to share my pain with a friend.  I got together with her for lunch and told her that my husband and I are getting a divorce because he is becoming a woman.  She herself is a divorced woman, and her divorce was very contentious.

She grilled me from the moment I told her to the moment the lunch was over.  One of her first questions was “Have you thought about what this is going to do to your son?”  She asked me in almost an accusatory way, as if I was choosing for my husband to be transgendered. 

 Then she asked me what lawyers I was going to hire.   I said that I didn’t think we were going to hire lawyers, and that we were going to probably do a do-it-yourself divorce kit.  We both love each other very much, and we really aren’t people who fight over possessions.  We have both already agreed that he can have what he wants and I can have what I want.  Since we both want to stay married and we can’t have that, which is what we really want, I could really give a shit who gets the dining room table, you know?

She asked me if I was ready to forgive him yet.  I looked at her and said “Uh, this just happened.  I am still in the grief stage over the loss of my husband and marriage.”  She then talked some shit about forgiveness being good, and how that’s an important stage or some shit.  As my readers know, I think forgiveness is mostly bullshit. I don’t feel that forgiveness should ever be brought up by anyone else.  If the survivor brings it up, that’s when it’s okay to talk about it.  Otherwise, all the other person is really doing is asking you to forgive so that you can shut the fuck up, and they don’t have to deal with your pain anymore.  So I resented her thinking I should forgive, especially at the stage where I am in, which is crying and sad every day.

The relentless questions and opinions continued.  I couldn’t help but think about the many times I tried to break the secret of child sexual abuse with people around me.  My one aunt tried to verify if I was telling the truth by asking me what my brother’s penis looked like.  At that young age, I told her that it looked like an egg roll.  She had fits of laughter over my answer.  None of it seemed funny to me; I had never wanted to see my brother’s penis, and I certainly didn’t want to touch it.  She didn’t understand my pain, or what the sharing of my pain meant.

By the time I got home from that lunch, I wanted to eat and eat and eat my pain away.  There just wasn’t enough food yesterday.  The hard truth about using to food to solve emotional problems is that it’s like looking in the fridge only to see a sign that says “The answer you’re looking for isn’t in here.”

Yesterday I stupidly chose to share my pain with a fool.  I hate myself for not being able to tell my friend to shut the fuck up with her foolish advice and questions.   I can’t even count the many times I have been forced to share my sexual abuse pain with fools.  Yesterday’s pain could have been avoided if I had remembered that and thought ahead.

10 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I know this is easy for me, a total outsider, to say but you have absolutely no reason at all to hate yourself. The prejudice, the problem, lies entirely with your friend.

I am so sorry that you had to experience this on top of everything else. Please be kind to yourself.

Pan x

Comment by Pandora

Dear heart,

I am so sorry. She is wrong to think she has a right to say anything or think anything or believe anything. You are right, she is a fool. But you didn’t know that to begin with, you thought she would be supportive, that it would lighten your load, and that it would feel better rather than worse to tell her.

She is wrong. Getting revenge on your husband is not going to make you feel better. Hiring lawyers is only going to spend twice the amount of money between you on revenge and evil. I can’t believe she is counseling this kind of crap and then with the same voice talking about forgiveness. The concept of forgiveness would pretty much negate the concept of getting revenge. Sounds like she is talking out of both sides of her mouth, definitely not someone grounding and focused, caring or compassionate, understanding or loving to you. She sucks. Good for you for being strong on your belief about forgiveness. It is not anyone else’s place to tell you what to do on the topic of forgiveness.

Now you know, she is a fool. It is easy for anyone to look back and say I should have known, but you couldn’t and that is why you didn’t know not to share with her. Hindsight is 20/20 and so often we judge ourselves so harshly, thinking we were supposed to know and because we didn’t it means that we are at fault and to blame for whatever happened after making the choice. But that is a lie. It certainly does not make you to blame or a fool. It means that now you know this person is a fool and is unsafe to share your truth with.

I am sorry you got so triggered from it around food. I can totally understand that. Your understanding and self-awareness of that are incredible. Good for you. I know that doesn’t take the pain away nor stop the need to push the pain down, but you are doing an incredible job of living your life and walking a path of healing.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Pandora,

Thank you so much for your kind words.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hi Kate,

Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartwarming reply. You really bring such a clarity of thought to this issue for me, and it helps me look at the whole situation in a different light. I think you are exactly right in your discussion around forgiveness and lawyers. The two definitely don’t go together. I also agree about hindsight, and about me not understanding how she would react beforehand. As Oprah says “Now that you know better, do better.” Now that I know better than to talk to this person about my painful times, I will not talk to her about them. Thank you again for helping me find clarity.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly,

You’re welcome. Go glad that I can be one, among many, who give you support and help you with clarity.

I remember, more than 25 years ago, when I first started struggling with clarity for my own life, especially with family and loved ones. Sometimes it would take me hours of seeking the right way of looking at one incident. Slowly I was able to make more progress in this. Of course it is always easier to see the issues more clearly when it comes to others. I am glad and honored to be someone who helps you with clarity.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Sounds like your friend is having a hard time separating her gunk from yours. I’m sorry she wasn’t more compassionate and didn’t get you.

My personal opinion, is that a lawyer is a good idea when you have children, to make sure everything you intend from the goodness of your hearts is written down.

Your husband will have some financial challenges ahead – it’s difficult for transexual women to find work, particularly when they don’t yet pass, and lots of jurisdictions don’t have employment discrimination law to protect them. This might affect your husband’s ability to pay child support and such, but it’s not fair for you to pull the entire weight either.

You could have a single lawyer represent you both jointly, with the goal of doing what is best for your son’s long term needs. Anger is part of grief, and it’s possible you two won’t always be able to be generous with one another, despite the love, so having it written down when you are in the space to do it might be good. Despite your husband’s gender preference, he/she was socialized as a man, and men often seem to feel okay about not pulling 50% of the financial and labour weight of raising a child following divorce.

This is just a suggestion, based on my experience with friends who have gotten divorced. You’re the one who knows the situation best, and I know you will sort out what works best for your family. I’m so sorry it’s so hard.


Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Warrior,

Your response was a beautiful, lovely, compassionate way of telling me to get a lawyer (or get one for both of us), and I honestly agree. In fact, I had been coming to that conclusion myself when I met with my ‘friend’; it’s just that I could tell she wasn’t thinking about this issue from my perspective.

I agree with you, especially about the lack of discrimination laws. It’s so incredibly frightening. Thank you for being a true friend.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

This isn’t directly on topic, and may not be relevant yet, but I wanted to tell you while I was thinking of it. I know your focus (rightly) is on you and your kid right now, and your grief, but anyhow, it might be useful.

I had a roommate who went through the gender reassignment process, he was born female. The hormones he took gave him some profound personality changes, in my opinion very much not for the better, and he went from a relatively nice, somewhat butch woman, to a selfish, controlling, sexist man in short order. This was just him though. Through him I met several other transsexual people, and I learned that not all of them respond this way. I think either he was always a jerk, and just felt more empowered to get away with it once he’d changed, he was trying to be a man and win the approval of other men by conforming to the worst of the stereotypes, or he was rejecting his own womanhood so hard that it made him into a misogynist, which is probably how it works for misogynist men in general. His best friend, another trans man, did not change for the worse once on hormones and he and I are still friendly. The sex-change process is intense and hormonal, and people don’t always act like adults through it, the way hormonal teens do. It woke me to the idea that the sex change hormones and process can have big effects on personality, so you need to look after your and your son’s interests, as your husband will almost certainly change in some ways.

I remember one day when this room-mate was looking for a job. He passed quite well for male, so could work as a man, but discovered that none of his employment references from his days as a woman would give him a reference or verify his work history. This was a big problem, as most adults have some employment history they can reference, and it’s a big red flag if they can’t. The past employers said they knew Jennifer, but they didn’t know this Mark person, so they could no longer give a reference, even though I think they got that he was the same person. Not fair or right, but it happened. Your husband may wish to come out to sympathetic past employers before it gets to this point, and then have them write a letter in his new name if they are willing to, or perhaps he could let them know he is planning to change his name (to something that could work for either sex) and ask for references in that name.

I sometimes follow a transexual woman’s blog whose perspective I like on her own womanhood, that you or your husband might find helpful. She gets pissed off about the discrimination and politics she encounters (I note her most recent post is a bit negative), but if you scroll through her posts for it, her self-identity as a woman feels right to me, like she ‘gets’ what being a woman is about. Fitting in as a woman when you were raised as a man is pretty hard, as women’s culture among women is by definition not experienced by men and so has to be learned as an adult by transexual women. A lot don’t get it very easily. I come across this a lot in the lesbian community, where transwomen learning the ropes tend to piss women off by not knowing, respecting or valuing women-among-women social norms, and then get pissed off when women shun them (the way they would any woman) when they get it wrong.

Anyhow. I’m glad you have some people who have your back. I’ve got it too.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Warrior – I cannot thank you enough for this insightful information!!! I have been thinking that the hormones have such an effect on our personalities; I personally think I must be high in estrogen because I always seem to feel everything fairly intensely, from love to happiness to sadness, etc. I will take a look at the blog you mentioned. Thank you!

Kate – You are always so compassionate. Thank you!

Comment by butterflysblog

[…] She remarked how weird that was, and didn’t say anything after that.  It was quite the “Don’t Share Your Pain With Fools” moment. Then later on though, she said she couldn’t sleep either and had to put in headphones […]

Pingback by Reason #294: The Man in the Hotel Room « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: