Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #249: ‘Survival’ sleep
July 8, 2011, 5:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I am thinking of trying to sleep in the new bedroom alone tonight.  It will be my first time sleeping in there alone, but I feel like I have to do it.  I keep telling myself “This is my life now”, so that I stop longing for what I used to have and instead get used to what is.  This is what is right now.  This is my life now.  It sucks and I hate it, but I feel like I have to start relying on myself more. 

I hate the idea of trying to sleep tonight.  I hate ‘survival’ sleep, the kind that comes when I am afraid of the night and alone.  Every noise is something to wonder at.  Something to control my breathing for. It’s so different than easy sleep, where I enjoy sleeping, and where the sleep is restorative.

I haven’t met even ONE other survivor out there whose sleep isn’t fucked up from surviving the sex abuse.  I figure it is because that is when we are at our weakest, because we are most unaware of our surroundings when we sleep.  We unwittingly show our jugular when we sleep, even though we try so hard to be hypervigilant.

When I was 23, I used to push a dresser in front of my door every night. It fucking sucked, because inevitably I would have to pee in the middle of the night.  So I would have to push the fucking dresser away from the door, go to the bathroom to pee, come back to the room, push the dresser in front of the door again, establish safety in the room, try to relax enough to fall asleep, etc.

My dressers are way too big to push in front of the door now, and plus, I have a young son who sometimes has bad dreams, and I want to be able to run to him if I hear him cry.  So the dresser is out.  At least this room only has one closet to check in every night, and only under the bed too.  That’s not that bad, I guess.

The whole situation kind of sucks shit, if I am being honest.

‘Survival sleep’.  Fitful shitty sleep that comes as a result of surviving horrible shit like child sexual abuse. The 249th reason you shouldn’t fuck kids.

5 Comments so far
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I sleep shallow, and can wake to even the slightest sound. I wake up sore because I spent the night posed to run if anyone were to so much as touch me. I panic every time I fall asleep and jerk myself awake multiple times. If I sleep deeply, I panic more. Last week I had a lucid dream while in the stage of sleep where the body doesn’t move and was screaming in my dream (but not in reality) for help because I wanted to wake up but I couldn’t feel my body. It’s the greatest stressor for me. I hate that vulnerability, that loss of control. I don’t do anything – drugs or alcohol, or anything because I cannot stand giving up even a second of my clarity of mind and ability to be in charge of myself. The term ‘survival sleep’ is apt.

Comment by presentlyhuman

Hi Butterfly,

Yes I agree with you that survivors have disturbed sleep. I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this. I only wish that I could change it all for you, for all of us.

I am not sure if you have ever looked into sleep help. I know meds are not something that most people want to do, even when they need them. I’ve never taken meds to help me to sleep. But I have used other things that help make me sleepy. A few drops of lavender essential oil mixed with a little hand lotion helps me. I have never used any herbal meds but have heard that there are some things. One essential oil mix that I find helps me to feel more courageous is by Young Living, Valor, and is especially formulated for those who are working on issues and fears. It isn’t cheap, but really seems to help me when I use it.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I sleep that way, too… but for me I have to sleep with the door open, because when I was younger we “didn’t believe in closed doors” in my house–what a load of crap–so I HAD to sleep with it open. Even now if I close my door now I still feel like I’m doing something wrong and something terrible is going to happen. But if it’s open I convince myself I’m vulnerable so I can’t sleep then, either… damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I hate ‘survival’ sleep, too.

Healing thoughts. ❤

Comment by Professional Widow

[…] Reason #249: ‘Survival’ sleep […]

Pingback by Reason #250: I fucking hate ‘survivor sleep’ « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] of an ant that fell on my face when I was still married? That miserable piece of shit left me with survivor sleep for a year. A year. Last night, I was sitting up in bed frantically checking the ceilings and walls […]

Pingback by Reason #315: One Step Forward, One Step Back | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids

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