Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #250: I fucking hate ‘survivor sleep’
July 12, 2011, 12:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last night was my fourth night sleeping alone in the other bedroom.  On the third night, I got a wave of panic and crawled into bed with my (ex?) husband/(wife?). I am (I guess?) separated from him (kind of?) even though we are living in the same house (and due to finances, we will be staying together physically for a while.)  Anyway, I felt so uncomfortable there that I got up in the middle of the night and went back to my new room.  I was so proud of myself when I woke up in the morning yesterday and realized I had made a courageous move in the middle of the night.

When we moved here, I never would have guessed that I would be sleeping in the little room.  I mean, we moved here as a married couple sharing a bed.  Now we are two separate people in two separate rooms living one weird life together.

I was up until around 1:30AM last night, and I heard my husband snoring away in the other room.  I am so fucking resentful today, so filled with anger and sadness about my situation.  Everything is overwhelming.  I cried in the shower today about the state of my life.  I am tired.  With less than six hours sleep, I can’t help but be tired.

‘Welcome to survivor sleep’, I keep thinking.  Survivor sleep is really one of the big fuck you’s of surviving child sex abuse, in my opinion.  The reason it’s one of the bigger ones is that it is a nightly thing, and the lack of it fucks up everything else.  It’s hard to be rational or healthy (or even happy) when you are lacking sleep.   And you know you are just going to have to face the same situation again tonight.  And the next night, and the night after that.  And over and over and over again.  I hate survivor sleep.

Studies have shown that reduced sleep actually reduces how long you live.  So the way I see it:

Child sex abuse –> survivor sleep=lack of quantity/quality sleep —> reduced life expectancy.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  It literally kills us.


4 Comments so far
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For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out my bizarre sleep patterns. I would stay up as late as a possibly could, as though going to sleep was terrifying, and sometimes when the sun finally rose I could catch a few hours. In high school, this pretty much meant I didn’t sleep at all (which, living in that house, hardly surprises me). Now that I’m older, I still have the inclination to stay awake (as though going to sleep is dangerous?), but on the flip side, once I’m asleep, depression tends to keep me in bed. Getting out of bed is, at times, literally painful. Which only exacerbates my tardiness. It’s a vicious cycle, and for years I really had no idea what was wrong with me.

Comment by Natalie Rose Apar

Survivor sleep SUCKS and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it even more because of the spousal circumstances. Definitely not fair to you.

Comment by lifemultiplied

[…] Reason #250: I fucking hate ‘survivor sleep’ […]

Pingback by Reason #252: The ant is back « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

[…] be afraid, and inventive ways to manage those fears. I am 40 years old. It’s been 35 years of survivor sleep. When the fuck does this […]

Pingback by Reason #323: The Man in the Closet | Reasons You Shouldn't Fuck Kids




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