Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #251: It’s Okay to Fall Apart a Little

I was talking to my mom last night about the debacle that is my fucking life right now, and she commented on how sad I sounded.

I started to explain that I had been having trouble sleeping now that I am in a room by myself, and how I have been getting about five hours of sleep a night, and how this level of tiredness is probably affecting the rest of my life.  She interrupted my explanations to say: “Sweetie, it’s okay to take the time to fall apart a little.  This is a really major thing that has happened to you here; you’ve lost your marriage.  You’re doing everything you have to to survive, and if you need to fall apart in the rest of the time, it’s okay to do that.”

I thought it was absolutely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.

Last night, as I was doing my nightly routine of checking in the closet and under the bed and then trying to fall asleep afraid (that’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids, by the way; I hate my nightly routine), I was contemplating what mom had told me.  She gave me permission to “fall apart a little”, which is really tantamount to giving me permission to feel what I need to feel.

It’s so different when you are surviving incest and child sexual abuse.  People in your life either minimize it (so they don’t have to feel it with you), or tell you all the positive shit you have going on in your life (“you are doing so well with <insert other area of your life here>!”).  No one says ‘Holy shit, what happened to you was so fucked up, it breaks the fucked up scale.  It’s okay to take the time to fall apart a little.’

While my current life has also knocked me flat for a while, I do not want to die. Surviving incest and child sexual abuse, however, almost killed me.  That is why I want to say this to all my survivor readers out there, and all the supporters of survivors that read my blog:  It’s okay to fall apart a little.  What happened to you or your loved ones was wrong; wrong on a terrible level.  You were betrayed, and you didn’t deserve it.  It wasn’t your fault.  It’s okay to take the time to fall apart a little.  It’s okay to take as much time as you need to feel it all.  And when you feel ready, it’s also okay to put yourself back together as slowly as you need to.


7 Comments so far
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I think the most fucked up thing to tell a survivor of *any* kind of abuse is that they shouldn’t be fucked up by it, or at least shouldn’t *show* it.

Comment by startledoctopus

Hi Butterfly,
I’ve been a silent observer because I don’t know what to say… Someone told me they had a disability dog trained for PTSD, the dog could tell when she was anxious and lead her out of stores, etc. The part that made me think of you is when she got scared the dog would check the house, look out the windows, come back and let her know it was alright….maybe something like that would be helpful in the future ?

Lots of love and quiet concern,
Phoenix

Comment by PhoenixAscending

It does get better. I promise. I wish you well.

Comment by Joan Jett

Hi Butterfly,

I’m here. I’ll feel with you.

‘Holy shit, what happened to you was so fucked up, it breaks the fucked up scale. It’s okay to take the time to fall apart a little.’

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Love you dear sweet butterfly,

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hey, I just found your blog and want to thank you for writing these posts – they make me feel like I’m not the only one who’s messed up.

“You were betrayed, and you didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t your fault. It’s okay to take the time to fall apart a little. It’s okay to take as much time as you need to feel it all. And when you feel ready, it’s also okay to put yourself back together as slowly as you need to.”

This is really, really powerful. Please keep writing and good luck.

Comment by Thomas

Kate, Thomas, Joan, Startled, & Phoenix – I can’t thank you enough for your kind comments. They mean so much to me.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Butterfly,

I just responded to this on my own blog. This really hit a nerve for me.

http://morereasonsyoushouldntfuckkids.tumblr.com/post/8156168162/reason-60-its-okay-to-fall-apart-a-little

Hope you are okay,
Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy




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