Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #252: The ant is back
July 27, 2011, 12:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Last year around this time, we celebrated Independence Day, went to bed, and then an ant fell on my head while I slept.  That ended my safety for months.

The fucking ant is back.  The motherfucking G-ddamned shithead of an ant.

Yesterday, the huz/wife/ex/for Christ’s sake and I went to marital counseling.  The therapist prattled on about me taking steps to be less dependent on the huz.  She talked some shit about me feeling empowered or whatever.

In the car on the way home – already exhausted from weeks of survivor sleep, and days of fear-of-the-ant-falling-on-my-head-again sleep – I said to the huz “She keeps talking to me about power.  Why does she keep doing that?  I have no power!  I’ve proven that I have no power.  I married a man, and even in this, you are turning into a woman.  I have no power.  I am afraid of a little ant. That little fucking ant has more power than I do!”

And then, as I have done for the last several days, I started to cry.  It’s like the tears are always at the base of my throat, and all they need is the slightest hint and they come rolling out of my fucking eyes.  And now I get to play the part of the needy fucked up jilted fat wife, while he plays an equally shitty part of turning into a woman and having everyone stare at him for the rest of his life because people are idiots.  All of this while ants roam around above us, waiting to fall on our fucking heads.

I understand that theoretically I have more power than that ant.  But I don’t feel that power at all; that ant still controls me, a year after the original ant appeared.  The reason I feel no power over that ant is that all power was stolen from me the day that babysitter first appeared in my life and fucked my brother and I.  Power over one’s own body is the most intrinsic power that a person has, and when a person is molested, that most basic power is taken. 

I decide who touches me.  I decide when, where, how, and whom.  It is a power I was forced to give up when that babysitter touched me, when my brother touched me, and when my father touched me.  And it feels like I don’t get to decide when even that ant touches me, because it falls on my head when I am asleep, unable to give consent to this touch.

I am a grown woman, and something as little as an ant royally fucks me.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

6 Comments so far
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Power over one’s own body is the most intrinsic power that a person has, and when a person is molested, that most basic power is taken.

Exactly. Even though things have been improving for me lately, I still feel enraged when therapists (and others) wank on about empowerment (to the point where I’ve grown to loathe the word). Yes, we need to try to find ways to have control again, but seriously. That isn’t an easy or quick thing to achieve after child sex abuse.

I’m sorry that things are so rough at the minute, and I’m not surprised you’re triggered and unhappy. How could you not be? Trite as it sounds, I really hope that you can somehow find some relief sooner rather than later.

Take care

Pan x

Comment by Pandora

Hi Pandora – thank you for the kind words. And also thank you for the laugh (“wank on about empowerment”) – that was funny.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

My theory of post traumatic crap is, it’s not my fault, it’s definitely not fair, and we know who’s to blame, but it’s nonetheless always my responsibility to take care of getting my power back. No one is going to give it to me. You feel like you have no power, which is understandable, but personally, I think some part of your mind is lying to you or feeding you info from your childhood instead of right now. You have less power than you want, true, but you still have some. Make use of what you have and you’ll get more, I promise you.

Sorry, I seem to have my ass kicking boots on today.

Comment by sworddancewarrior

Hi Butterfly,

I agree that you have more power than you realize that you have. Power doesn’t always makes things better. It doesn’t always make all the fear go away. But it is there and it is real. Feeling empowered, I’m just not sure about that one. Most of us feel the opposite.

Let me say this, power is not about how I am feeling. Using my power, that is a better idea for me to work on, because I am probably never going to feel it.

Are you still seeing the same therapist?

I found a lot of help with ants from a suggestion in a natural remedies book. It suggested putting out coffee beans in a bowl in the room, near to where the insects might be getting into the room. I didn’t have ants after that and the coffee beans seemed to be effective for about a year. It really worked a lot. I got the beans for free at the local food shelf.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

[…] Reason #252: The ant is back […]

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[…] Reason #252: The ant is back […]

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