Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #253: Power over an ant
August 1, 2011, 1:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

So, as my regular readers know, last week the fucking ants made a reappearance in my house.  I, of course, couldn’t take it, so I made an appointment for the exterminator to come over (he knows us by name; I am pretty sure we have funded his last five vacations single-handedly).  Also though, I asked the huz/wife to sleep in my bed with me until after the exterminator came.

So, the huz/wife slept with me in the same bed.  It was so uncomfortable.  You’d never know we had previously been pretty happily married for almost 7 years.  I could feel him not wanting to be there in bed with me, and it stressed me so much.  I tried to talk to him about it, and he said that trying to live in this body that doesn’t feel like his is so stressful, and the idea of trying to do that with someone else in the bed with him is more stressful. I guess that’s true, but I sure felt rejected from the whole experience. From the stress of trying to sleep together, I developed some sort of pain in my neck that is still with me today.

The pain in my neck got so bad that I ended up going to the doctor – I thought maybe I had some sort of infection in my ear that was radiating down my neck.  She told me to  take ibuprofen every 3 hours, which is what I had to do because the pain was so bad.  Finally on Thursday, the exterminator came.  I had the huz sleep with me on Thursday and Friday night though, as a just in case measure.  The pain in my neck is still with me today, but not nearly as bad as it was.  I didn’t need to take ibuprofen last night or this morning.

On Saturday though, I slept by myself again.  And honestly, it was WONDERFUL!  Isn’t that surprising?  I realized that I enjoyed having the bed to myself, the room to myself, the TV to myself.  I enjoyed my nightly solitude!  Can you believe that??  The room feels like mine, and given my life circumstances, it’s frankly one of the nicer rooms I have lived in in my life. 

So then last night, just as the ex and I were saying goodnight to each other, I noticed a black wriggling ant on the floor of my room.  It was still alive.  WHAT THE FUCK.  How could this be?  Why every time that I feel safe does this happen??? 

The huz picked it up with his bare hands, killed it, and then compassionately asked me if I wanted him to sleep with me.  It took me a long time to answer.  The thing is, my neck had been hurting so bad from trying to sleep with someone who didn’t want to sleep with me, and we had been doing that for almost the whole week.  And I had enjoyed my Saturday night to myself.  And it seemed like this newest ant, while frightening to me, was actually dying (hopefully).  So I thought long and hard, and finally I said “No.  But please sit with me for a minute here while I get used to this, ok?”

The more I thought about it, the more angry I got at that ant.  Look how much sleep over this past year that fucking ant has cost me.  Look how much peace that ant has cost me.  And as I thought about it and got more and more angry about it, I thought “No.  FUCK THAT.”  I had already given that ant way too much power, for way too long, and I was not going to let it ruin yet another night.

I took my power back from that ant.  I took it the fuck back. 

That ant should have never had that kind of power over me in the first place, which is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Because I am 37 and it took enormous courage and a year of hard work and a husband who turned into a wife and an impending divorce and too many nights of uncomfortable sleep and a terrible pain in my neck and a shitload of crying for me to take my power back from a little fucking ant.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  But G-ddammit, I took my power back from that ant for one night.  And please G-d, give me courage to never give it back to that ant again.


6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

You go girl! Every step toward taking power back counts.
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior

You took your power back. One of the most beautiful things I have ever heard!

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

I love that you wrote this. You are taking your power back in more ways than with just the ant.

Love,
Jenny

Comment by artconstellation

Probably one of the most wonderful things I’ve read. Go you.

Healing thoughts. ❤

Comment by Professional Widow

Yes! 🙂

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

[…] Reason #253: Power over an ant […]

Pingback by Reason #255: The Opportunity to be Courageous « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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