Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #255: The Opportunity to be Courageous

For some reason, I have been watching that movie “Evan Almighty” over and over again in the last few months.  The movie is a re-telling of the story of Noah and the Ark. My life is in such a state of upheaval, and I think the idea of G-d telling someone directly to do something, and him doing this enormous thing even though everyone thinks he’s nuts is very appealing to me.  In the movie, G-d says to Noah’s wife: “When someone prays for courage, does G-d give them courage, or does He give them the opportunity to be courageous?”

As you know, an ant has plagued me for a whole year, and a few weeks ago I took my power back from that fucking ant.  I made the decision that even if there were live ants in my room, I was going to sleep in my own bed and that fucking ant was not going to stop me!  I told my therapist about my courage with the ant.  I asked her if this courage was temporary or if the ant would scare me again.  She told me that now that I have found my power and courage with the ant, that I would always look at ants differently from here on out.  I changed my thought process from “This ant will touch me without my permission” to “It is an ant.  If it crawls on me, I will kill it.”  

G-d gave me the opportunity to be courageous.  It took me a year of fear, terrible pain, and the loss of my marriage to act on it, but I finally did.  To other people who hear that an ant took a year of my life, they would probably think I am fucking nuts.  Maybe I am fucking nuts, who knows. 

The therapist says it was never about the ant, it was about what the ant represented.  The ant represented touching me without my permission; touching me by surprise, without my permission. 

I feel like the fact that I have changed my thought process from “I am afraid the ant will touch me without my permission” to “It’s an ant.  If it crawls on me, I will kill it” means that I have given my answer to the permission question.  The answer is no.  The answer has always been no.  You may not touch me without my permission.  It’s my body.  Mine.  Not yours.  I say no.  I get to say no.  I have said NO. No.

I understand that at less than five years old I didn’t have that power over that babysitter.  I didn’t have the power of No, but I have it now with the ant, and I am using it.

3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Dear Butterfly,

Very eloquent and eloquently written.

Dear Butterfly, some survivors never get to this point. A year does not sound like a long time when it comes to healing from such a huge abuse issue.

If you think that someone would think you were fucking nuts or you think that you are or were fucking nuts for enduring what you did this past year, I don’t think you are seeing this one accomplishment accurately. This is huge, babe! And that is not counting all the accomplishments in healing you have gone through in the last year as well.

Incredible huge step in healing. I am so proud of you and in awe of you. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Kate – thank you for your kind words. You always make me feel so good.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Dear Butterfly,

Good. I’m glad. They were very true words. I am glad that you were able to hear them and take them in. I would be very happy if my life’s purpose was to make you and other survivor friends feel so good.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: