Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #257: It Takes Time to Learn My Power

Another ant appeared in our hallway.  I was immediately afraid, and then I remembered that I have power over the ant.  I remembered what the therapist said about how from now on I will always think about ants differently.  I want that to be true so badly that I keep reminding myself that she said that about me.  I keep telling myself that if I find an ant in my room, or if one crawls on me while I sleep (G-d forbid), I will just kill it. 

I fell asleep and within an hour, I woke up in a panic.  I thought an ant was on my bed.  I breathed heavy, checked my surroundings, and calmed down.  I reminded myself of my power.  There was no ant on my bed; it was my own panic manifesting itself in the middle of the night.  Middle of the night stuff is one of the hard parts of surviving child sexual abuse.

Fear is a learned thing, just like hatred.  Babies aren’t born fearing the ants.  Babies aren’t born with hatred in their heart.  Those things have to be taught to them.

I was thinking last night about a time when I was five years old.  I remember PLAYING with the ants.  Playing with them.  Can you believe that?  There was a time when I was so unafraid of bugs that I played with them.  I wasn’t afraid of them and I didn’t have to learn to have power over them.  I played with them.

That was my life before the babysitter.  After she did those things to my brother and I, we were both afraid of the world around us, of the dark, of being alone.  We both had trouble sleeping after that, and we were both afraid of being anywhere our mom was not.

It’s been over 30 years since she hurt my brother and I.  We’ve both had suicidality, panic disorder, been in gay relationships when neither of us identify ourselves as gay, and we both are afraid of intimacy.  And I entered into a marriage (that ultimately failed) with someone because he never pushed me about sex.

And I am afraid of ants.  But I am learning to have courage in the face of this fear.  I am learning about my own power in this situation, and I am learning to use it.  It is taking me some time to learn my power in this situation.  That is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. Because if I hadn’t experienced powerlessness in a terrible situation, maybe I would still be playing with the ants instead of using great courage in plotting to kill them.


4 Comments so far
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Butterfly,

I know this is a bit wishful, but maybe one day, you’ll be able to play with them again. i have seen stranger, more miraculous things happen. I believe in you.

Chungyen

Comment by TreatInfamy

Dear Butterfly,

I am sorry that there are ants in your home and that it is so triggering to fear. I have my own trigger fears and I only rarely share any of that on my blog. You are so brave to write about this and I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it is true.

I am so amazed by your courage in this process. You just impress me so much to be willing to challenge your fear and to act in a different way now.

I wanted to ask if it was okay to quote the last paragraph on my blog in a Survivor Quotes post? Let me know if that is okay with you. You are so brave.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hi Kate – totally okay – sweet of you to ask.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

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