Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #259: Survivor Sleep, again

I am still sick, in pain, nauseated, etc.  The surgeon still needs to remove my gall bladder, which will necessitate a further hospital trip, which is scaring the shit out of me.  I pretty much lay awake thinking about it, and worried that he won’t get it in time.  He refuses to touch me until the pancreatitis heals.  In the meantime, I am scared that another stone will slip into the duct and the whole thing will start all over again.

It is hard to get on the computer due to the pain levels and most of the time it is all I can do to sit there and just be alive.  I am having a stronger moment right now so I decided to get on the computer and visit with you, my blog friends. 

Today is four weeks since I entered the hospital; four weeks of new trauma to work on, compounding the old trauma.  Four weeks of sleeping fitfully, especially since I got home from the hospital.  I am scared of going to sleep.  Laying there awake at night is an exercise in fear. Actually, all of this has been an exercise in fear, frankly. 

I was thinking last night about this physical/emotional trauma, and its similarities/differences to when I was a kid, getting molested by a babysitter, and then a brother, and then a father.  As an adult, the nurses were horrific to me in the hospital, and their lack of empathy absolutely worsened my condition.  As a child, no one even knew what was happening to me, but I knew.  I guess they couldn’t be empathetic if they didn’t know what was wrong in the first place.  I guess. 

When I told my aunt what my brother did to me – I was still a child when I told her – she asked me what his penis looked like.  I guess that was her way of seeing if I was telling the truth.  I told her it looked like an egg roll, which is what it looked like to me.  My brother is uncircumsized, and I hate that I know that through firsthand knowledge.

In the hospital, the nurses were assessing my pain level constantly, trying to see if I was truly in enough pain to warrant medicine to stop the pain.  They, too, were trying to see if I was telling the truth.  Are we just a world that thinks that everyone is a fucking liar? 

When I said that he was hurting me, I wish you would have said “My G-d, what happened to you was wrong, and it wasn’t your fault.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.  But I will be now, and I won’t let anyone hurt you again.  I will help you heal.”

To my mother’s credit, the minute I told her about the abuse with my brother, it stopped and never came back.  She believed me from the first second I uttered the words.  Thank G-d.  I guess the damage was already done.  My brother and I both had fitful sleep and nightmares and bedwetting and all the other signs of abuse after that babysitter came into our life.

I am 37, and I lay in bed awake and afraid every night.  Most nights I just keep escaping through tv shows until I am so tired I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.  But as soon as I get in bed, I am AWAKE, you know?

I dread the night. I hate survivor sleep.

13 Comments so far
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For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to sleep alone without either the tv on or music on in the background in order to drown out the defining silence and loneliness around me. This week, my girlfriend is not here to hold me at night and so there is nothing to let me know that the silence and darkness and loneliness wont eat me whole.
I just wanted you to know that I know that night time is hard, and you dread it everyday, but you are not alone.

Comment by zzbottom32

Hi zzbottom32 – Thank you for writing this. It’s always comforting to know that I am not alone, and I appreciate you letting me know. I wish there were a way that al of us survivors could comfort each other during the scary times of night when we are awake and feeling alone, you know?
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Hello dear,

I’m sorry that the pain has been so on-going and for so long. I’m so sorry, I know how debilitating pain is.

How ridiculous that the hospital staff felt the need to keep assessing your pain level. They knew what you were going through medically, they had to realize your pain level would be high.

Nighttime is a big fear thing for me as well. I feel safer being awake. It is a long process in healing. Sorry that it is being made worse for you during this health issue time. I’ve started sleeping a little while sitting up on the couch, which is something that I never used to do. It helps to take a nap when I can, due to insomnia issues.

I’m glad that you told as a child and that you were believed. You deserved to be safe and abuse-free. What happened to you was wrong and it wasn’t your fault. I’m so sorry you were hurt.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi, new follower here!

I don’t know if a lap procedure is optional for your gall balder removal. I’m so sorry for the trauma. For everything.

Comment by FMC

Hi Kate – I am so lucky to count you among my dear blogosphere friends. You always light up my life, sweet Kate.

FMC – Welcome. G-d willing, the gall bladder will be removed laproscopically, yes. Let’s all hope that is what will happen.

– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

Your story about your hospital stay saddened me greatly. My last stay at the hospital was also traumatic and resulted in PTSD – like flashbacks, but I have never been treated so horribly by hospital staff as you have. I wish on the staff who mistreated you all of the discomfort that comes with a functioning conscience.

Nothing else to say really, except that I hope very much that things are much better for you at your next visit.

Comment by suicidewinder

Dear Butterfly,

Thank you. I hold you in my heart and in my mind. You mean a great deal to me and bring me lots of good thoughts and healing feelings into my life. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hi Suicidewinder – thank you for commenting; your comment made me feel much less weird and alone. I am honestly starting to believe that our system of medical care is not about healing at all. I think we have a lot to learn about utilizing a person’s emotions and mind power as well as their body to heal physical and emotional trauma.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

I am glad that you feel that way 🙂

“I am honestly starting to believe that your system of medical care is not about healing at all.”

I definitely agree with you – aside from all of the (irrelevant to this post) problems with who gets access to medical care and why, I have huge problems with the way medical professionals are taught to act toward their patients, and what you were put through is a perfect example of that. It was completely unnecessary and could have been avoided by simple compassion on their part. I don’t know why they did not realize that treating a person that way can very often have a detrimental impact on their ability to heal from anything – which is supposedly the opposite of what they are trying to accomplish.

Comment by suicidewinder

Re: when I quoted you

I did not mean to type “your” instead of “our” and I have no clue how that even happened. My apologies.

Comment by suicidewinder

I agree. I think the Cheyenne (Native American) had it right, they liked to heal the whole person.
– Butterfly

Comment by butterflysblog

I’m interested in discussing your blog in my dissertation on trauma blogs. I’d like to send you additional information regarding my research as well as an official letter requesting permission to use your blog. Mostly, I would just like to use your blog posts in my research. This would entail mentioning your blog name and url as well as discussing and possibly quoting from your content. Would you mind sending me your email address so that I can provide you with additional information?


my address is cshuler[at]purdue[dot]edu

Comment by cshuler

Hi Cat,

Please e-mail me at

Thank you,

Comment by butterflysblog

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