Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #261: I lost him anyway
October 24, 2011, 5:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I was watching a re-run of Glee the other day.  In that episode, a character with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) went to see a therapist for the first time in her life.  The therapist said “You have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Therapy can help you.”

The OCD character replied “I’m not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger my secrets. And I don’t want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be.  This is how I am. This is who I’m supposed to be.”

The therapist said “Your illness is not who you are supposed to be.  It’s keeping you from who you’re supposed to be.”

I wonder who I am supposed to be, or who I was supposed to be.  I have spent time in my life grieving the Butterfly I might have been had I not suffered the abuse.  I spent a great deal of time thinking about who I might have become if I weren’t afraid of every fucking thing there is to be afraid of.  If I could be okay at night, who knows what my potential was???

When I started dating my husband/wife, I started to exhibit incredible OCD behaviors.  I would only walk into rooms with my right foot.  This later expanded into stepping onto different surfaces with only my right foot.  Then I began only reaching for things with my right arm.  Only taking things with my right hand.  Opening doors with my right hand.  Stepping into and out of my home with my right foot.  Et cetera.

My thought process through all of this was that he was the only good thing that has ever happened in my life, and I didn’t want to do anything that might jinx it.  I felt that if I could perform these obsessive-compulsive actions, I could ward off evil, and then maybe he would stay in my life.  If I did these OCD things, I wouldn’t lose the only good thing in my life.  I kept trying to ward off evil, and I knew exactly what kind of evil I was warding off, having already experienced it with three different abusers.

I did all these things for these last nine years and I lost him anyway.

1 Comment so far
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Hi Butterfly,

OCD behaviors can be so insidious. The beliefs surround them can control us and our lives and they are such lies as well. I’m so sorry that this was a lie for you. As you wrote our actions cannot guarantee goodness coming to us or make it stay in our life. They cannot stop evil and they cannot protect us.

I don’t consider that the aftereffects of child sexual abuse and the damage are me. But I used to. I was taught to believe that. I have wondered, when watching that show, who taught her to believe that about herself. We are, none of us, the damage that has been done to us. We are something so much higher and so much more beautiful.

I have often wondered over the last twenty-five plus years who I would have been, if not abused. I am slowly starting to see and believe that the person I would have been is emerging. I know the same is happening to you.

You are an incredibly wonderful, loving, and giving woman and I hope that all the good things come to you. I know you deserve them all.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

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