Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #262: It has been a shit year
October 31, 2011, 7:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

May I vent for a moment?

It’s been a shit year.  Just a shit fucking year.  My husband told me he thinks he’s a woman, and consequently, we are divorcing each other. 

My life was hijacked by serious medical problems these last two months.  I am very grateful to have survived it all, but I am somewhat traumatized by the experience of all this. I am still trying to get back to my ‘normal life’.  For instance, I went with the huz/wife to get my son a haircut yesterday, and I realized it was the first time I had been able to do that since all this medical shit started.  Thank G-d.  After being laid up in a hospital bed for 11 days and then another 5 days, these mundane chores look like heaven. 

I had to take a medical leave of absence from my job, and it makes me feel like a giant asshole.  This was not my choice.  I used up all my sick time, so my employer told me to go.  I will hopefully be able to get back to work soon.

I am scared of sleeping again.  Scared of falling asleep.  Scared of waking up in the middle of the night. I was just getting used to sleeping in my bedroom alone and then I went into the hospital, and everything ever since has just been plain weird.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.  Every new trauma compounds the old trauma.  Theoretically, being hospitalized for gall bladder complications should have nothing to do with the fact that three people molested me when I was a kid.  And yet every night I can’t fucking sleep and I am so afraid, and I pull the covers up over my head as if the covers can protect me from them touching me.

The only good thing happening in my life right now is my sweet beautiful son, who has been even more sweet since the hospitalization.  He has been saying “I love you mama” so much more.  I feel terrible for him, because I know all this has been brought on by the trauma of losing me to the hospital/subsequent recovery.  But I also hope that time will hopefully heal this for him.  I keep trying to reassure him that I am much better now, but I know what it is like to hear adults say this kind of shit to you and inside you have a different truth from the one they are telling you to believe.

All those years in my childhood when I was afraid to sleep, afraid to be outside alone, afraid afraid afraid, all the idiot experts told my mom that time would heal my wounds.  So we kept waiting for time to perform its magic trick and heal me. But time didn’t work for me. I am as afraid now as I was then.  If anything, I am more afraid now; I am just better at hiding it most of the time.

It has been a shit year.  Whenever I say that, I think of the other shit years in my life. 2000  was also a shit year for me.  I asked the law to protect me from my father and cried in front of everyone that year.  1989 was also a shit year – my mother asked the courts to protect her from my father.  I had to tell people what my dad did to me.

I guess some years are shit years.  Maybe next year will be better.

4 Comments so far
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Hello dear Butterfly,

“Theoretically, being hospitalized for gall bladder complications should have nothing to do with the fact that three people molested me when I was a kid.”

Okay, well that is understandable for you to think that and write that. But “the theory” is based on a scientific/psychological worldview that does not understand, doesn’t want to understand, doesn’t scientifically study the topic, and lives in denial of the short-term and long-term consequences of child sexual abuse. So the theory is inaccurate.

You are judging yourself harshly and please know that none of this is your fault. Being triggered is not something even the scientists who study child sexual abuse aftermaths understand or have studied in enough detail. We all know it happens and affects us and makes for shitting times in our lives. I’m so sorry that you are going through that.

On the positive side, you have done incredible healing work through this year and I am so proud of you! Bravo you.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Kate – you are wonderful. Thank you.

Comment by butterflysblog

i hope 2012 is freaking awesome for you

Comment by stumblweedy

What a nice thing to say! Thank you for the well wishes!!! 🙂

Comment by butterflysblog

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