Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #268: I’m losing my hair
November 30, 2011, 12:31 pm
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I am losing my hair.  This started happening to me a few months ago, during my second hospitalization for gall bladder surgery.  I figured it was a part of the illness.  But it’s been two months, and I am still losing handfuls of hair every day.  I asked the huz/wife if the hair loss is visible, and he/she said no.  But then I visited my hairdresser for a trim, and the first thing she said to me was “My goodness, I can see a lot of your scalp.  You are losing hair.  Are you under a lot of stress right now?”

Am I under stress right now?  Well, eight months ago my husband told me he is a girl.  We made the painful decision to end our marriage shortly after that.  We are still living together until it gets too shitty or uncomfortable to live together.  I have had two major hospitalizations and during the first one I almost died.  And through it all, I am still experiencing all the effects that come with having survived child sexual abuse.

Now, someone reading this might think to themselves “So what?  What does losing your hair have to do with surviving child sexual abuse?” and you’d be right, kind of.  Lots of people lose their hair, and generally speaking, it would have nothing to do with surviving abuse. But I am losing my hair because I am under a great deal of stress right now because my husband is transitioning to femalehood.  I feel like I am living under the gun.  I married him because he never pushed my sexual boundaries, because three people used my body against my will when I was a child.  This marriage was a direct result of the child abuse I survived.  Consequently, I am losing my hair.  That’s why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #267: That was a really shitty thing You did
November 27, 2011, 11:05 pm
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I have been listening To Rihanna’s song: We Found Love (In A Hopeless Place). I have been thinking that this is what happened to me. I found love in a hopeless place, with a man who turned out to be a woman.

I was thinking about everything that led to me marrying my huz/wife. From the multiple molestations by three different abusers to me being afraid of sex, to me falling in love with the one guy who didn’t push me on the sex issue to him asking me to marry him and me saying yes, to our beautiful wedding, to moving in together, to having a beautiful son together, to him telling me he is a female inside.

G-d knew all along about who he/she was inside, knew this ending would come. And even though these three abusers molested me, He still let this newest betrayal happen without even a hint of what was to come.

I said to G-d today “That was a really shitty thing you did.”. And for the first time ever, didn’t feel guilty for saying that to G-d.

There was this episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman where the white people killed all the Native Americans off but one man, Cloud Dancing. Cloud Dancing having seen his wife, child, and all of his tribe killed off, was obviously upset with G-d (whom he called “The Spirits”). Dr. Quinn said, “I can’t say if your spirits exist or not. I’m not even sure how I feel about my own G-d anymore.” Cloud Dancing replied, “Just because we are angry with them does not mean they will go away.”.

I say that to myself whenever I dare to express my anger at G-d. Just because I am mad at Him doesn’t mean He will go away.

Reason #266: Fear of Penis
November 21, 2011, 1:10 pm
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The other day, I was sitting with two female friends at work, and we were talking about sex.  One of my friends just got a new boyfriend, and apparently they are having ‘lots of sex’.  (As you know, due to my history of surviving child sexual abuse, I have never had ‘lots of sex’ in any of my consensual relationships.)  Anyway, she was talking about how great the sex was.

My other friend (she’s single) chimed in about how much fun sex was, and how much she wanted to get laid.  I sat there silently because even though I have had consensual sex, I seriously had nothing to add to this conversation.  Even before we decided to divorce, my husband and I hadn’t had sex in years.

My single friend said “I love penises.  They’re so much fun to play with.”  I was bewildered by that statement.  I said “How do you mean?”  She looked at me and just repeated “They are fun to play with.”  I have been pondering that statement for days now because I am so bewildered by it.

My friend has only had sexual experiences that she wanted to have.  All of her formative experiences around sex were consensual, pleasurable, and wanted.  Consequently, she has formed a very natural enjoyment of sex and everything surrounding sex, such as penises.

My formative experiences with sexual stuff was as a child surviving sexual abuse.  The experiences were scary and not wanted.  Consequently, I have formed a very natural fear of sex and everything surrounding sex, such as penises.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

Reason #265: “Regressing to infantile behaviors”

Yesterday, I came across this list of behavioral symptoms that a child has been molested.  I had tears in my eyes as I realized that I had almost all of them.  I was showing all these fucking signs, and yet no one around me seemed to understand that such changes in my behavior meant that something bad had happened to me and I was reacting to it.

Anyway, my eyes rested on this entry in the list: “Regression to more infantile behavior such as thumb sucking or excessive crying.”

I sucked my two middle fingers until I was 13.  I tried not to do it in front of people, because even I understood that I should have been able to stop this behavior by that age.  I cannot explain why I did it, or why I even liked doing it.  But I did it, and apparently since it’s on a list of common behavioral responses to being molested, lots of other fucked kids are doing it too.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We suck our fingers to make ourselves feel better, and cry excessively and pee our beds.

Reason #264: Sandusky, Paterno, and Penn State
November 9, 2011, 8:48 pm
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If you’ve been watching the news, as I have been, you know that Coach Sandusky of Pennsylvania State University has been fucking little boys for years now.  Sometimes it has been right there on Penn State’s property, and sometimes it has been on the grounds of the ‘charity’ that Sandusky started for little boys so that he could have easy access to vulnerable little boys.

In 2002, a graduate assistant saw Mr. Sandusky raping a child in the shower in Penn State.  The grad assistant told Coach Paterno.  Coach Paterno told other Penn State officials.  Penn State then told Mr. Sandusky he couldn’t have kids on school grounds.  And that’s it.  So for the next 9 years, he continued to rape little boys.  Until now, obviously.

Now everyone’s fucking sorry.  The University’s sorry, Coach Sandusky is sorry, they’re all fucking sorry.  They’re sorry the way the Catholic Church is sorry, in that they weren’t willing to actually stop any of this from happening until it got out into the media.  Now they’re sorry in a much more concrete way.

This is what happens when good people do nothing.  Criminals go free, and they remain free to continue committing crimes against humanity.

I wonder if there were good people in that babysitter’s life when she was abusing my brother and I? I wonder if she had an aunt or a friend or someone else who knew that she had a propensity for fucking little children, and still allowed her to babysit my brother and I?   It’s been over 30 years since she did that to us, and I am still documenting its many effects on my life.  So far there have been 264 effects, give or take a few million.

Research suggests that when kids survive abuse (and it’s not always a given that we will survive, since some of us get killed from the actual abuse or we go on to kill ourselves), we have a higher likelihood of getting into drugs or crime.  I wonder what will happen to those little boys that Sandusky raped all these years?   I pray that they get therapy to help them understand that one bad person did this to them, and that the whole world is not bad.  I pray that they understand that there are people like me and all the good readers of my blog who only want good things for them.

I pray they don’t think that world is filled with bad people who are waiting to hurt them at every opportunity, the way I do.  I hope they get therapy in time to heal their wounds, so that they aren’t afraid all the time the way I am.  I pray that they heal from their terrible abuse. I didn’t heal from my abuse, but I hope they can.  Just because it didn’t happen for me doesn’t mean it won’t happen for them.  Apparently there are people who heal from their abuse, or so my therapist tells me.  I pray these boys become those people.

Reason #263: I’m not a risk taker

Now that my health is restored to its pre-hospitalization equillibrium (for the most part), I have time to concentrate on the heartbreak that is the end of my marriage.  All weekend I tried to talk to the huz/wife about his/her upcoming transition.  Right now he is still dressed as a male about 90% of the time, and still appears to others as a male.  But he has started taking a very low dose of estrogen, and he is thinking that he will transition to being a full-time female somewhere in January.  (In other words, he will dress like a female so that his insides match his outsides.)  We have agreed that while he is in ‘male mode’, I will continue to call him ‘he’, and when he makes the transition, I will call her ‘she’.

For my non-transgendered survivor readers – I’m sure it’s all somewhat confusing to read about if you are not already familiar with transgendered lives.  I have now had quite the education since I am living with it, obviously.  Feel free to ask questions, and I will try to answer them as best I can.

Anyhow, it’s my blog, so back to me…

I am scared shitless of this transition.  It’s been 8 months since I found out he feels he is a girl inside, so enough time has passed such that I am no longer in raw grief about losing him.  It still makes me cry, but not nearly as often.  Still though, it definitely sucks shit.  But that’s life, as I understand it.  It’s full of surprises, some good, some bad.

So I kept trying to talk to the huz/wife about the transition, but every time we’d start talking about it, my stomach would lose its mind and I would end up in terrible pain.  I’m not someone who can let things go though, so I kept bringing it up.  Finally, last night, we were able to get to the root cause of my fear about this upcoming transition.

I said “I’ve lived my life in a very low risk way.  After getting molested by three different people in childhood, I have been afraid of everything.  Consequently, I live my life in such a way that is the least possible risk of harm to me.  I don’t go out at night alone.  I check under the bed and in the closet every night, etc.  I married the safest man in America who would never push me on sex.  And now, literally, you are the safest man because you are actually a woman.”

He nodded and acknowledged the truth of this, so I continued. “You are moving from being a white Catholic male – the least possible risk in this country – to being a transgendered female – a very high risk place.  The way I have been handling this is by helping myself understand what is to come.  You and I both know that transgenders get killed just for being transgendered, because we live in a country full of idiots.  So I have been telling myself I probably only have you for another few years until you are murdered, and after that I will have lost you.”

At this point, he was staring at me, and he said “Is this what you really think?”  I said “Yes.  Absolutely.  You don’t think this?”

Then he said “You believe the world is filled with people that will kill me for being myself, and that just by leaving the house as myself I will be murdered.  I don’t have that belief system.  I think the world is filled with people, mostly good, and most of the people in the world are busy with their own lives and couldn’t give a shit about me being a transgendered female.”

I think he is completely wrong, and I told him as much. Then I said “You know, we have had very different lives, sweetie.  I feel it is proven that people will hurt the vulnerable among us.  I was a child and three different people saw that as an opportunity to harm me, and took the advantage of their power and size over me.  They got the timing just right and as soon as no one was watching, they molested me.  You grew up in a world where you were nurtured and loved and no one betrayed you in such terrible ways.”

My husband is transitioning into femalehood, and I am scared with all of my being that he will be killed for that.  Not only that, I think I’m right and that he’s crazy for not being as scared as I am of this.  This is what happens when you fuck kids.  We believe the world is bad, filled with bad opportunistic people who are waiting for the right time to harm us.  We believe that any risk is all risk, and all risk is too much.

I’m not a risk taker.  Even risks I should be taking, like going out at night for my job or sleeping in my own bedroom without looking under the bed (thus risking surprise attack).  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

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