Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #263: I’m not a risk taker

Now that my health is restored to its pre-hospitalization equillibrium (for the most part), I have time to concentrate on the heartbreak that is the end of my marriage.  All weekend I tried to talk to the huz/wife about his/her upcoming transition.  Right now he is still dressed as a male about 90% of the time, and still appears to others as a male.  But he has started taking a very low dose of estrogen, and he is thinking that he will transition to being a full-time female somewhere in January.  (In other words, he will dress like a female so that his insides match his outsides.)  We have agreed that while he is in ‘male mode’, I will continue to call him ‘he’, and when he makes the transition, I will call her ‘she’.

For my non-transgendered survivor readers – I’m sure it’s all somewhat confusing to read about if you are not already familiar with transgendered lives.  I have now had quite the education since I am living with it, obviously.  Feel free to ask questions, and I will try to answer them as best I can.

Anyhow, it’s my blog, so back to me…

I am scared shitless of this transition.  It’s been 8 months since I found out he feels he is a girl inside, so enough time has passed such that I am no longer in raw grief about losing him.  It still makes me cry, but not nearly as often.  Still though, it definitely sucks shit.  But that’s life, as I understand it.  It’s full of surprises, some good, some bad.

So I kept trying to talk to the huz/wife about the transition, but every time we’d start talking about it, my stomach would lose its mind and I would end up in terrible pain.  I’m not someone who can let things go though, so I kept bringing it up.  Finally, last night, we were able to get to the root cause of my fear about this upcoming transition.

I said “I’ve lived my life in a very low risk way.  After getting molested by three different people in childhood, I have been afraid of everything.  Consequently, I live my life in such a way that is the least possible risk of harm to me.  I don’t go out at night alone.  I check under the bed and in the closet every night, etc.  I married the safest man in America who would never push me on sex.  And now, literally, you are the safest man because you are actually a woman.”

He nodded and acknowledged the truth of this, so I continued. “You are moving from being a white Catholic male – the least possible risk in this country – to being a transgendered female – a very high risk place.  The way I have been handling this is by helping myself understand what is to come.  You and I both know that transgenders get killed just for being transgendered, because we live in a country full of idiots.  So I have been telling myself I probably only have you for another few years until you are murdered, and after that I will have lost you.”

At this point, he was staring at me, and he said “Is this what you really think?”  I said “Yes.  Absolutely.  You don’t think this?”

Then he said “You believe the world is filled with people that will kill me for being myself, and that just by leaving the house as myself I will be murdered.  I don’t have that belief system.  I think the world is filled with people, mostly good, and most of the people in the world are busy with their own lives and couldn’t give a shit about me being a transgendered female.”

I think he is completely wrong, and I told him as much. Then I said “You know, we have had very different lives, sweetie.  I feel it is proven that people will hurt the vulnerable among us.  I was a child and three different people saw that as an opportunity to harm me, and took the advantage of their power and size over me.  They got the timing just right and as soon as no one was watching, they molested me.  You grew up in a world where you were nurtured and loved and no one betrayed you in such terrible ways.”

My husband is transitioning into femalehood, and I am scared with all of my being that he will be killed for that.  Not only that, I think I’m right and that he’s crazy for not being as scared as I am of this.  This is what happens when you fuck kids.  We believe the world is bad, filled with bad opportunistic people who are waiting for the right time to harm us.  We believe that any risk is all risk, and all risk is too much.

I’m not a risk taker.  Even risks I should be taking, like going out at night for my job or sleeping in my own bedroom without looking under the bed (thus risking surprise attack).  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

3 Comments so far
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Oh my god sweetie, you are so a risk taker. In some ways I see what you are saying. You are making a great case of the things you cannot do or don’t do. I get that. I validate that. But you are ignoring all the great courage you exhibit throughout your day. Maybe you don’t see it. Maybe you don’t notice it. But it is there and it is huge. It is huge! And so is your courage.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Kate – you make a good point. Thank you!

Comment by butterflysblog

What a beautiful post, Butterfly. I think you bring great honor to this trouble you have, and that you are lucky to have such a strong relationship with anyone in this world. Very few people are that well respected.

Comment by sandma1half

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