Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason # 273: “This is an attempt at safety”

So, in my last post, I talked about my session with my therapist and how she explained to me that all my OCD rituals/beliefs were really an attempt at safety.  I still think I am right about the bad name/good name thing, but shit, every part of life has shocked the shit out of me, so what the fuck do I know.  My point is, I am willing to question what I think I know at this point.

Anyway, so after she told me that all my shit is really an illusory attempt at safety, she told me to tell myself “This is an attempt at safety” every time I have a ‘distorted cognition’ (a fucked up thought that might not be true), or perform an OCD act.  I took her advice to heart and have been telling myself “This is an attempt at safety” every time.

It’s been almost two weeks since she told me to do that, and I believe my attempts at safety now number in the hundreds.  It’s kind of amazing all the things I do to attempt safety.  This is what happens when you fuck kids though.  We understand exactly how unsafe the world is, and we understand this on a terribly intimate level, unfortunately.

This morning, my son waved ‘goodbye’ to our dog. My ex husband/wife (we’re still living together) said “he’s waving goodbye to the dog’.  I have an enormous problem with the word goodbye.  I am afraid that if someone says that word, I will never see them again.  (This thought process is an attempt at safety.)  So I forbid its use around me. (This action is an attempt at safety.) I told the ex-huz/wife: “He’s not saying goodbye!” (This statement was an attempt at safety.) The ex-huz/wife immediately corrected the whole thing by saying that the baby was waving ‘see you later’ at the doggie.

You see what I mean though?  And that’s like one moment in the day.  There’s been so many daily occurrences of attempting safety.  I wonder if this happens to other survivors too, or if it is just me?  Do other survivors also attempt safety in so many little and big ways?


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Yes! I remember when one therapist (over ten years ago) really got through to me about that. We were talking about how things that other people do in public to others that are incredibly irritating to me are often things that I do myself. I said that might be true, but I think they do it for a different reason than I do.

So we talked about several things that are incredibly irritating, mostly the rudeness and thoughtlessness of someone towards others. Then she did this exercise with me that allowed me to think of several things as we went along that were irritating and then she asked me to say why I do them, the answer was the same all the way through, for safety!

Admitting that and working towards feeling a sense of okayness towards myself for doing them helped me. The therapist suggested that I then continue to do that through the week and we talked more about it. I found out that everything that I did in public was for safety. My life revolved around it. And I was able to forgive myself for acting that way and thinking that way. It helped. It also helped me let go of what others thought of me, I knew me, I knew my real reasons and motivations and really it helped me to do others things that did indeed make me more safe.

I now have a pepper spray with me. I now stand up for myself much better. I now value myself and have increased my self-esteem. I now watch what others are doing and walk away from them. I have skills I don’t need to worry as much about safety because I do things actively that make me safer, warmer, and happier. No one can be totally safe and I know that I can’t, but I am safer now and less in control of things that don’t bring me safety and more in control of things that do.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

This is a very good insight I think. Like Kate points out too) by identifying the things that you do for safety that, logically speaking, probably aren’t very effective, you can put the energy into doing actual effective things (like learning self-defense, and being assertive or learning to use pepper spray). There’s a very good course called ‘Model Mugging’ (terrible name, I know). It’s great for survivors. If you get a chance to take it, I strongly recommend it. I felt so much safer and more powerful afterward, and in a practical way.

My safety things were:
-not putting my feet on the floor next to the bed when it was dark
-turning out the light of a room only once at least one foot was outside it.
-running up stairs as if someone was chasing me.
-not washing my hands in public bathrooms because I couldn’t stand to be in there that long, all the booths, someone might be in there or come in and hurt me.
-wearing long sleeved baggy turtlenecks and long pants in dark colours year round and avert my eyes so that men wouldn’t feel compelled to rape me. (yup, I really did think that way – but not consciously. Once it became conscious that is what I was doing, it was easier to chill out. )

I don’t do any of them any more. I sometimes still bar my bedroom door with a travel bar (so I will have time to get out my window if someone, like my dad, breaks in to my house), but not all the time only if I’m feeling triggered or unsafe and my wife isn’t there.

You go girl!
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior




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