Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #274: The Parking Lot

I really hate the parking lot where I work, and I don’t like the entrance to the building either. It just seems like an awfully easy spot for rapists to hide. Sometimes I work from home so that I don’t have to face that parking lot. Or I will make plans to go to the building with a friend so that I don’t have to face the parking lot alone.

Today I had a meeting at work so I had to go in, but my friend decided to work from home. I got to the parking lot, parked the car and got out of the car. I looked around. Where is the rapist hiding? Or is he behind me? (Turn around to look behind me.) Start walking to the building. Try to look confident, so that if he is thinking of attacking me, he’ll know that I’ll put up a good fight. I already took my gloves off in the car so that his skin will be under my fingernails when they do the rape kit on me.

I get to the elevator. I look around. Is this where he’s gonna jump out at me? Elevator doors open, I hurry in, press the ‘Close Doors’ button again and again really fast before he jumps in with me. Why do these doors take so long to close? Hurry, please hurry doors and close already.

Ok good, doors are closed, I am safe until they open again. They open on my floor, I run out. If someone is waiting by the elevator door to catch me and rape me, I have thwarted them. This time, I remind myself. Walk down the hallway where no one ever is, and then I sit in my cubicle where there are at least people.

My friend isn’t there today, I remind myself, so I will have to brave all of this again to get back to my car. No, wait, my other friend has to come in today because she will be at that meeting! I will walk back with her, I reassure myself.

The meeting comes and goes, and I am back at my desk, busy with a project. My friend suddenly stands up, puts her coat on and announces she is leaving. Shit!! Why is she leaving now, in the middle of the day?? SHIT!! Should I shut own my computer and leave with her? I can finish my project from home. If I don’t leave with her now, I will have to face the elevator and the parking lot by myself. She is in a hurry, and I am too embarrassed to ask her to wait a few seconds for me to shut my computer down. She leaves.

I am getting more freaked out as each minute passes, and finally I give up, shut the computer down and leave for the day. I get to the elevator. Why, why didn’t I just leave with my friend?? Then we could have walked to our cars together! Already I am starting to shake. This is so embarrassing. I hurry into the elevator, hurriedly press the ‘Close Doors’ button, and wait. I hate leaving this building. The elevator stops, I step outside. Look around, put on same act of bravado as I did coming in here.

Please, I pray, please let there be someone else out here, a co-worker. If someone else is out here, he won’t have the chance to rape me. I am shaking with fear now. I see the bus stopped in front of the building. He appears to be waiting for someone. Thank you G-d!! I rush to my car, check for rapists in the back seat, get in car, immediately lock doors. Try to act like I am normal, like all the shit that I just thought and did didn’t happen.

This is me walking to my car, or walking from my car to work. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.

8 Comments so far
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Dear Butterfly,

I’m sorry this is so hard for you. That is an incredible amount of fear and anxiety to go through. I’m sorry that you didn’t have someone to travel the parking area with.

I wanted to suggest pepper spray. There is also a class that is taught where you fight against a huge spacesuit looking person to learn how to give a knock-out blow. I can’t think of the name of the class, but I think they work nationally and go around the country teaching the classes. There are also women’s self-defense classes. When someone has some protective skills they often feel more confident and less fearful and that helps because abusers tend to stay away from those who don’t look like victims, though of coure, safety is a difficult proposition.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Hey, just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Comment by Prozac

The spacesuit looking person is the Model Mugging class, I was talking about. Really good class.

I still do some of this stuff. I think some of it is rational, and some of it is remembered fear. It feels so overwhelming because it is coming from a child’s memory and it was overwhelming then. It works for me to tell myself, this is a memory, and comfort that inner child, then it takes the intensity out of it. Hard to do in a parking lot, of course, but maybe a parked car would be possible.

Hugs to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

I want to chime in that I can totally relate to this. I know that many survivors experience hyper vigilance, but I have found myself so worried about where the rapist might be that I feel frozen or I have to talk myself down. When I don’t feel that way, I feel like I must hurry hurry hurry to avoid him. This is all when I’m in public- in a parking lot, work’s parking lot, a shopping center.

My husband understands my fears as I get him to stand behind me (to protect me from thieves and rapists) when I buckle our toddler into her car seat. I dread going out at night, and basically just don’t do it. If I don’t lock my car doors soon enough, someone might pull open the door and drag me out. If a car behind me follows for a while, I wonder if they are following to stalk me and hurt me. I know that I wouldn’t feel so fearful or need something like a body guard if it wasn’t for CSA. Your post explains this feeling very well.

I feel like a loon posting how this affects me, but I think these are normal feelings, both how you and I experience them given our past.

Healing thoughts,

Comment by Brittany P.

Brittany, I cannot thank you enough for sharing this! All the fears and consequent reactions to your fears are mine as well! Knowing that someone else thinks this way about the car and the night (and all the other things) makes me feel so much less alone! Thank you for sharing!!!

Comment by butterflysblog

I also do the whole arguement thing in my head. Do you? It goes something liek this:

Watch it! Someone might be lurking there!

Oh come on! It’s (just a parking lot/daytime/dark out)

OK I can handle this, I can do it

Ahh please! Like anyone wants to rape you! You’re (fat/ugly/old/etc) [even though my rational mind realizes that none of those things stop a rapist or even usually concern one]

Well if someone tried to hurt me in any way I am prepared to fight back & HARD!! (blood is [pumping, adrenaline races, fight or flight responses are in full motion)

Butterfly, one of the things that helps me and has helped me over the past 20+ yrs is carrying my keys in my hand with each individual key poking out between each of my clenched fingers SO THAT I have spikes sticking out of my hand. Then should anyone approach I am not embarrassed by holding them (just keys) but if someone tries to attack I have a weapon. I hope it helps!

Comment by internetnewsnow

You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the same way. Recently it’s been worse when I see someone who looks like my brother. Oh hell, that doesn’t even have to happen. Just the thought that I might run into him or someone that looks like him will do.
I try to always act strong, but now seem to realize that isn’t enough. It never helped before. Okay, now I’ve just depressed myself. I do love that you speak as honestly and openly as I do. Which means if you’ve done so ‘in real life’ you’re probably dealing with the same crap I am because of it. Keep speaking up. Makes the rest of us feel like we’re not so alone. Or so crazy.

Comment by Miss Hillary (@Hill_arina)

[…] I had to park in a parking lot by an apartment building, and as my longtime readers know – parking lots are enough to stop me cold in my tracks. So I did these really hard things, and they both made my […]

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