Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #275: Fundamentally Sad

When I was around 20, I had an epiphany. I realized that I was just fundamentally sad. What I meant was that this was how I was born, sad. I felt I was obviously genetically made up to be sad. It was a profound realization, and I felt it explained everything! Finally I had found the reason I was so sad all the time! I was born this way.

Then I met my husband, and I realized that maybe I was not genetically predetermined to be sad. Perhaps I was reacting to all the stuff that had happened to me, and now that I was falling in love, I was happy. When a person is in love, or is loved, they feel happy. They are not genetically predetermined to be happy. They are merely reacting to life circumstance.

I once read that Abraham Lincoln’s photographer said that it seemed like sadness was etched into President Lincoln’s face. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get President Lincoln’s face to look anything but sad in his pictures. (I do not know if President Lincoln was an abuse survivor, but I do know that he lost his mom real young, and losing one’s mother will certainly cause sadness to be etched into the lines of one’s face.)

The other night, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked so sad. So sad that the sight of my pained face forced a weird sad noise from my throat. The noise startled me and I looked at my face. It still looked sad. I wonder what my photographer would say about me.

Three people molested me when I was a kid. I never got over it, and honestly, I am not sure that anyone ever really does get over it. I grew up afraid of sex, because all sex held the possibility of rape for me. I then fell in love with and married a man who never seemed to want sex. Seven years into our marriage, he discovered that he is actually a transgendered woman, completely uncomfortable in this wrong body, and that is why sex was never something he really wanted. Our marriage imploded like a dying star.

I understand now that I am not fundamentally sad. But I understand why I used to think I was. This is why you shouldnt fuck kids. We blame our genetic make up for our fundamental sadness, when really we are reacting to people using our bodies in sick ways. I am not fundamentally sad, I am sad because sad things happened to me. One day, G-d willing, I will be happy again. Fucked kids need to be taught that thought process, that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them. Instead they are merely reacting to terribly painful stuff, and with enough help they can be happy.

“Pain is a part of being alive, and we need to learn that. Pain does not last forever, nor is it necessarily unbeatable, and we need to be taught that.”
– Rabbi Harold Kushner


4 Comments so far
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I have thought this for myself as well and I still wonder. Since I have siblings that grew up in the same abusive household as I did and they seem more adjusted, I wonder if I was just born sad, weak, and was it already determined that I would let things affect me “too much?” Sigh. Logically I know that my siblings are working with some denial, and denial was never my friend for long.

What you mention about Lincoln is interesting.

I’m not sure how we become truly happy again, but here’s to hoping.

Brittany

Comment by Brittany P.

Hi Butterfly,

I went through the same thing. I started to figure it out in my mid-twenties. One of my brothers suggested that my “depression” might be genetic, based on newer research back then. I said I do not have depression. I knew that what I was feeling was different. I was sad and knew even then that it was different than depression. My mother abuser always told me that every problem that I had was due to myself, my character flaws and corruptions, not for any other reason. It took me a really really long time to figure out it was all her and her abuses. You are doing an incredible job of working on healing and identifying what is what and how to change and heal and grow. You have, as always, my deep admiration and respect.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

It is very common for sexual abuse survivors to gravitate towards sexually ambivelant or closeted homosexuals. Because the thought of sex brings anxiety & fear one tends to seek out partners who will not require it of them or require it less then the average person. Initially it sounds like a pretty good plan. Especially when you couple it with a partner who seems more emotionally available then average, more in touch with thier masc/fem side, and/or also had sexual abuse issues. What can end up happening is that both parties repress thier sexual identities possibly even to the point of total sexual ambivilence/complete uninterest or one of the parties ultimately discovers their true sexual identity and it does not fit the parameters of the relationship any longer.

I can only imagine how painfull this situation has been. To already have struggles with sex, intimacy, sadness is hard enough but then to have to deal with all of the emotions surrounding your situation as well? I applaude you! Thanks for sharing.

Comment by internetnewsnow

Hi Butterfly,
May you be happy again. I will hold that hope for you too.
SDW.

Comment by sworddancewarrior




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