Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #276: My son won’t go to bed
January 18, 2012, 3:27 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Tonight my son didn’t want to go to bed. I naturally immediately wondered if he was getting abused at day care. Not wanting to go to bed, having trouble sleeping, peeing the bed – these are all behavioral signs of surviving abuse. My son isn’t having trouble sleeping, but he didn’t want to go to bed.

I asked him why he didn’t want to go to bed, and he said he wanted to stay up and play.

I looked at my ex-husband/wife, and he/she could see what I was thinking. He/she said “He’s not getting abused. All kids don’t like to go to bed.” He/she went on to explain that our son showed no signs of being traumatized.

I told him/her that when I was little, I would beg my mom to let me sleep with her. My nights were so freaking terror-filled. Ever since that babysitter hurt my brother and I, I have been scared of nighttime. I told the huz/wife that the idea of saying no to our son on this issue is something I just cannot do. I cannot force him to go to bed alone in his room because it reminds me of when I was little and I would beg my mom to let me sleep with her. I have no idea what is right or natural for kids to say or do because my experience of being a child was tainted with abuse.

This is yet another way that getting fucked as a kid has fucked me again in adulthood. I can’t seem to experience motherhood without re-living some of the worst parts of my childhood, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in normal mothering situations. My son didn’t want to go to bed, and since I can’t handle saying no to him on this issue, I sat with him on my lap until he got tired and then had the huz/wife carry him to bed when he was almost asleep. Then I cried about re-living through the experience of being a kid afraid at bedtime.

It’s late right now, and I should have gone to bed a half hour ago. But I’m freaked out and I can’t turn the light off, so I will watch tv until I’m too tired to keep my eyes open anymore.


2 Comments so far
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I’m the mother of an 18-month-old, and it’s been a constant mental struggle since she was born. Why? It made me realize just how wrong my abuser parents were. It made me scared to sleep and just dragging throughout the day. My head was hurting with the magnitude of memories from my childhood, because those helpless feelings from my past were so triggered for some reason. I knew there was a life here that I had to protect, and I’ve known since that these triggered feelings because of it aren’t going anywhere, ever.

I feel fucked in adulthood (for one reason) because I often can’t settle my thoughts from my childhood enough to enjoy enough time with my daughter uninhibited.

Peace to you as you feel grounded from this trigger. I can imagine how it feels.

Take good care,
Brittany

Comment by Brittany P.

Hugs to you, Butterfly. Your son is safe. If he was being abused, you’d spot the signs.
SDW

Comment by sworddancewarrior




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