Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #277: Scary dream, was it real?

Last night I had another ‘touch me against my will’ dream.  I have spoken before on this blog about my bad dreams.  One of the many reasons you shouldn’t fuck kids – we get bad dreams for the rest of our lives about being touched against our will.

Anyway, back to the dream.  So in the dream, my cousin’s grandfather (who has been dead for at least ten years now) came into my bedroom and put his hands on my breasts.  It was like he was in a trance or something; he was so intent upon touching my breasts.  I remembered that if I could yell NOOOO, then it might stop.  I tried to yell no with all my might, but instead it came out as a small faint breathy nooooo.  I tried again and the same thing happened.  I shifted my body position so that he wouldn’t be able to touch my breasts and that didn’t work either. I mean, I was able to shift my body position, but somehow he was still able to touch my breasts anyway. 

I woke up from the dream and looked around the room expecting to see him there.  G-d damn that was scary.  I asked my sweet doggie to please lay down next to me where only moments before the spector of my cousin’s grandpa had touched me.  My sweet doggie laid down next to me and stayed there the rest of the night.  The rest of the night was spent in fitful moments of sleep after that.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream, and I couldn’t get any true rest.  I sure was tired when I woke up this morning.

I am now tasked with making sense of that dream.  Is it about my dad?  He was the only one (to my conscious knowledge) to touch my breasts.  Or am I supposed to understand this dream as the possibility of a 4th abuser in my life?  I don’t think that’s the answer, but shit, I married a man who ended up being a woman.  What the fuck do I know about what’s real or true anymore?

Or was the dream yet another in an endless line of dreams designed to make me reflect on what it felt like to be touched against my will?  In this dream, I was so scared.  I realized how powerless and scared I felt in the dream, how little-girl-like I was, how big he was and how indomitable the whole situation felt.  There wasn’t much I could do to stop what was happening, and even my own voice (which might have been able to save me) failed me.

I am not sure what to make of the dream, but I sure am afraid to go to sleep tonight for fear that he will touch me again in my sleep.  I think I will ask my doggie to sleep next to me from the start of the night, instead of waiting until after the bad dream happens.

5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I know where you’re coming from about our voice being so faint in a dream like this. I’m sorry that you had this nightmare with the questions it brings up. I really grill myself sometimes to understand a nightmare.

I hope that you can get more peaceful rest soon,

Comment by Brittany P.

I certainly empathize about the nightmares… I’ve had some truly graphic ones over the years, ranging from a replication of the abuse, to scenes of war where entire villages are captured and turned into sex slaves (in those dreams, I’m usually supposed to swoop in and save anyone, but I always fail…). Yet, the scariest dreams of all aren’t the most graphic ones. It’s the ones where no matter how hard I try to run, I go nowhere, and no matter how loudly I try to scream, no sound comes out.

Comment by Natalie Rose (@NRAperture)

Whether it’s literally factual or not, the feelings are real. I’m wondering if that’s what the point of the dream is, not to have you reflect on the violation, but to learn how to validate your feelings and comfort yourself. Good for you for comforting yourself by calling your dog. I’m glad you have a dog to protect you at night. I got great comfort from having a doberman sleep in my room for years. It really made a difference over time.
hugs to you,

Comment by sworddancewarrior

The nightmares have been one of the worst symptoms for me, to the point that I take two different meds in hopes of keeping them away. Mine are sometimes so real I have trouble distinguishing them from reality, and that messes me up for days. I hope your dog helps guard you from the nightmares.

Comment by weordmyndum

I’m sorry that you are having such disturbing nightmares still. Based on what is going on in your life right now, it makes sense that you would be struggling with this. I’m glad that you brought the doggie in with you and hope that will help you in the future.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: