Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids


Reason #278: Manipulating Body Size to Avoid Sexual Attention
February 1, 2012, 8:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I happened upon the Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist by E. Sue Blume , and I was perusing it.  I, of course, have many of the symptoms on this list.  But then my eyes rested upon this one: “Manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention”.  This is SOOOO me.  Somehow every time I am in a relationship, I end up gaining a shitload of weight.  I gained so much weight in my marriage that the number was pretty astounding.  The number of pounds gained was so much, it would almost seem like a conscious decision to gain it.  But it wasn’t, and I have always been generally consciously unhappy with my weight.

I first started gaining weight after my brother began abusing me.  I didn’t start throwing up my food until my father started molesting me.  I have always been overweight, and I have tried every possible diet that there is to try, from Atkins to Weight Watchers to counting calories to nutritionists, etc, etc, etc.

The truth is, and I can only understand this now in retrospect, I have been manipulating my body size to avoid sexual attention.  During my thinner times, males have felt perfectly comfortable walking up to me and asking me out.  They have felt okay with talking to me to get to know me better in order to ask me out.  They have felt okay talking to my friends about me to see if I like them.  I cannot even count how many places I have literally run away from because some guy has done these things. Once I was in a restaurant and when I was in the bathroom, the waiter told someone at my table that he thought I was cute.  She told me about it when I got back to the table, and the way I handled it was to hide behind her as we walked out of the restaurant.

Somehow when I gain weight, the number of males that show interest me is greatly reduced.  It’s like by becoming fatter, I actually become more invisible to men.

The heterosexual female part of me likes the idea of attention from men.  But the molested girl part of me usually takes over and then all of me runs away.

I asked my therapist about the manipulation of body size stuff, and she said that in her practice she has noticed that whatever way the child looked like while being molested becomes the opposite of what they choose to look like in adulthood.  So, for instance if a little girl has been thin her whole childhood until some asshole molests her, then she chooses to become fat (subconsciously, in my case). And if a little girl is overweight, she becomes anorexic, etc.  I don’t think this applies to everyone, but shit, it sure is true in my case.

I don’t think I would have ever had such profound weight issues, and such profound eating disorders, and such a profoundly fucked up relationship with my body and with food if three people hadn’t molested me.  This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.


5 Comments so far
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100% agree. I started eating a crapload of food, and stopped doing ballet after my abuse started. I couldn’t stand people staring at my body. Oh wait, that’s still true.
PS anyone know if you can log in from your blogger account to comment? I thought at some point that was possible, but…I guess not?

Comment by Hillary NotClinton

Dear Butterfly,

“I don’t think I would have ever had such profound weight issues, and such profound eating disorders, and such a profoundly fucked up relationship with my body and with food if three people hadn’t molested me. This is why you shouldn’t fuck kids.”

A very profound statement. I too can relate. I have been struggling with age issues since I was sixteen. I hate having someone looking at me, especially with that look like they are thinking of sex. It’s obvious and it’s disgusting. I did a post series on the aftereffects list and it really made me see how bad it was for me and how prevalent aftereffects were in my life.

I think that it is very profound and brave of you to look at this. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Sorry I meant to write weight issues and wrote age issues instead. Duh. Sorry. Sometimes my mind and my hands are not in sync.

Kate

Comment by kate1975

Hey Butterfly,

This checklist is sobering. I see myself described, as so many of us do. I’m so sorry for all of the aftereffects that you experience.

With a heavy heart about how much CSA takes from us,
Brittany

Comment by Brittany P.

[…] years.  Like my OCD rituals, or deciding people are good or bad based on their names. Or adding layers of fat onto my body to insulate myself and become unattractive to […]

Pingback by Reason #291: Creating safety « Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids




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