Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids

Reason #279: It’s enough, it’s enough!

Today I had another bulimic attack.  I ate an entire pint of Ben n Jerry’s ice cream and decided to throw the whole thing up.  I should have figured this would happen because I’ve been depressed all week (Valentine’s Day is coming up, and it’s making me incredibly sad that I no longer have a Valentine).

So, I am hunched over the toilet bowl, throwing up the contents of my stomach, and it’s getting to the point where I can almost feel the blood vessels in my eyelids bursting.  That happens towards the end of a bulimic session sometimes when it gets so hard to throw up.  But I was so determined to get it all out, to empty myself of this terrible pain, to rid myself of the horribleness within me.  At this point, I am pretty much dry-heaving and it’s painful, and I start thinking “It’s enough!!  It’s enough!!  STOP!!”  It was like you sometimes see on TV where one parent is beating a child, and the other parent is yelling “She’s had enough!  Stop, she’s had enough!”

I thought about that. Did this bulimia begin as a way of punishing myself for ‘allowing’ three people to molest me?  While my adult mind understands I didn’t have a choice at all, I wonder if my child’s mind used bulimia as a means of punishing myself for having a body that three people found attractive enough to use?  That’s the problem with coping mechanisms like bulimia, self-injury, etc.  They begin as ways to cope with a terrible situation, and then they become another terrible situation to cope with.

I’m tired.  Throwing up always makes me so tired. It’s enough.  Seriously, it’s enough.

2 Comments so far
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Dear Butterfly,

I can understand the connection. I’m sorry. I have done some unhealthy coping things that were subconscious attacks against myself as well. I can’t really talk about them. I think you are so brave to be this raw and honest. I’m sorry this is a triggering time.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Comment by kate1975

I am bulimic as well as a victim/survivor of child sexual abuse. I think you hit the nail on the head.

I have gotten to the point where I don’t push myself to that point of pain anymore. If I can’t throw up anymore, I give up. I tell myself that this means I’m getting better. :/

Comment by Rainbow Riot

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